Sold!

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Nezhul
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Sold!

Post by Nezhul »

Author note: That's my first English writing EVER, also my first attempt to sexy stories, so it may be screwed up unreadable. :blush: Still wanted to see if I can write in english, so this is it. Will be very interested in any remarks on grammar or whatever. :-P
Oh, and that's not a femdom story - on the contrary, about a girl sold as a slave. Not only T&D but a wide range of fantasies and activities discussed (briefly). If I write it further, maybe I will have femdom scenes though. :innocent:
It also not in all parts sexual as is. That's a story, not a plotless porn text.


SOLD!
Slave markets. Who could have thought such a thing existed in the modern world? Well, it turned out it could, and, judging by the looks of things, was very profitable. They say you couldn’t buy everything for money, but that’s a saying used generally by not very rich people. Try telling that to the people gathered in the rather small auction room, and you’ll be laughed in the face. All of them wore expensive suits, some - carnival masks, and each drank the best wine one could afford. There was a snack table too, laid with dishes that could cost a year’s fortune of a normal man, although no one paid it much attention.
But what about the… merchandise, as they called it, you ask. Where could you potentially get slaves from these days? Well, every one of them had a small file where it was written, and the stories differed dramatically. Some even sold themselves off willingly, some were in debts, some were kidnapped. In fact, you never think of just how many people disappear without a trace worldwide each year. And if you think of it, no one will actually notice if the few of this mass were actually shackled in some rich bastards basement on some private island where no one would ever go. There was a girl who actually CRAVED being a slave to someone and somehow managed to make a contract with the agency to sell herself in. She was the calmest one in the cells, because she knew she’d be sold to one of a certain kind of customers. She had an agreement, she was promised. Or at least she THOUGHT she had, Emily thought watching her from the distance. There’s nothing but free will of the owners of the place, and maybe pure luck, that’ll stop her being sold to the one who simply paid the most, no matter what was “agreed”. For them this girl was simply an effortless gain, that’s it.
As for Emily herself, you could say she got into bad company. She had quite a bad childhood, running from home a few times, she wasn’t very good at school too. Instead of going to the university she started to work on a simple, cheap but fair jobs, like shop assistants and so on. The money was enough to rent a small room. Now that she thought of it, it all went wrong when she started going to cheap clubs to find company. There she met her boyfriend, Sam, who was quite a looser, but still the best she found around. One day he had a fight near one of the bars they had a “date” in, and was getting beaten up, and she tried to help him by holding the arm of the attacker…. And that was quite enough for Sam to stab poor guy with a knife. He died, and to Emily’s desperation the court thought she was part of it. She had no money for a lawyer, and was going to jail, when this guy appeared. He suggested getting her out of this mess, in return she ought to “work” for them. It seemed fishy to her even then, but she was scared, emotionally exhausted, and it wasn’t too hard to convince her to take on the help.
She got a great lawyer in an expensive suit, who turned an already decided case upside down. It all somehow made perfect sense to everyone now, that Emily was no more than a victim. People who were accusing her a week ago were pitying her, and soon she was released. From the prison court, that is. She was now sitting with her back to the cold iron bars of a cage she was locked in, waiting to be sold. Today was the day. It was a few months on a factory already, and she did more or less adapted to it and cried out all her tears. She was shocked when they brought her here and explained what’s the rest of her life will be. She cried and shouted, but the place was beneath the law. Or above…. Outside, anyway.
She knew she was pretty. Although she never knew she could be THAT beautiful with a right touch to it. She got a perfect haircut, Her teeth were sparkling now, her skin was soft and silky… The owners of this place didn’t know greed when it came to making slaves as pretty as they can be. With such a face, she thought, she could get ANYONE in the outer world. It was amazing what money could do.
A wave of hard feelings and regrets struck her, as it often did here. She could live a great life. Now she’ll probably be a fuck toy to some fat billionaire till the rest of her life. That is, while she’d remain young and beautiful. She had a great doubts about what happened to slaves like her when they got older and weren’t as pretty anymore. She was also told that if her buyer were to die somehow, she’ll be dead too. She’ll be dead if she ran away or if someone unauthorized learned about her existence. That’s how this market remained secret. Only a chosen amount of people knew about it. Although her life will probably be shorter than of an average women, she felt already that to her it would seem twice as long.

The ringing sound of keys and the clacking of locks disturbed her thoughts. They were coming and going all morning, taking out one slave at a time. And selling them. A clot of sudden nervousness and fear formed somewhere in her chest, making it hard to breathe.
“Not me, please not yet!...” – Her thoughts rushed.
She was repeating it in her head the whole morning, and so far it worked. A man with a keys walked slowly among the cages, peering at the girls, like a lazy customer in a convenience store, taking his time to choose the best product.
He was getting closer. Emily was staring at the floor, sitting with her knees near her chin and holding the legs with her hands. She couldn’t dare to look up.
“Please, please, don’t mind me”…
But this time it didn’t work. Footsteps stopped in front of her cage, and a man produced a key ring from his pocket. She almost felt her heart sinking to the bottom of her tummy. She felt like fainting right now, but that didn’t happen.
- A little anxious are we? – a man gave it a short laugher, - Get up, it’s your big day today!
She stood up, though her knees were shaking a bit and legs felt way too weak. The first thing she learned here is that it was better for you to obey orders. There were so much ways to cause pain for disobedience, that left no marks on the body… She even had a “luck” to experience few in her first days. She didn’t want to try it again.
He unlocked the door.
- Come ‘ere, - he said.
She came out. She was naked of course, there wasn’t real purpose for clothes here. Rooms were warm enough, and that’s the only thing the owners of a market thought necessary. She wore only a leather collar, and the man took an opportunity to attach small chain to it. He locked an empty cell behind him and led Emily to the other room.
There was roughly an hour of preparations, as she recalled afterwards. She was given a small meal, she was made to wash herself in a shower, shave herself… They even made an enema for her. She was given a great hairdo and makeup, she really looked a billion dollars worth now. In the end they dressed her up in while lingerie and high heels. Despite nervousness she could admire the effect of some sort of purity and innocence, that she had now with her pale skin and blond hair in this outfit. No doubt lot’s of men there would be wanting to pay for her. This thought was disturbing, but somehow, and she hated herself for thinking like that, pleasurable.
Then the manager came.
- Wow, that’d sell good! – he admired the work of his staff, holding Emily by the chin, - Give me her file please… Thank you. Come on.
He pulled a chain still attached to her collar and led her from the room.
- Now a few rules. Don’t talk unless asked a question. Answer straight and short. Better keep your hands behind your back like this, and smile, if you want a good impression. Remember even if you start screaming and asking for help in tears they’ll be buying you. I advice you don’t do that, because only sadists generally like this kind of performances, so you’ll just reduce your chances to be bought by a kinder master.
- I’m going to die now… - mumbled Emily, who felt not good at all. She was sick and dizzy.
- Here, - the manager pulled her head closer, and produced a small bottle from his pocket.
A sharp smell struck Emily’s nose, and she felt like it was digging through the brain and down the spine. She tried to struggle away, but the man held her tight by the chain on the collar, and she had to endure a few more seconds of this.
- Ammonia, - he commented, - Lots of slaves are nervous like you, but you need to be in the best shape. Feeling better now?
She actually did, but she didn’t answer.
- Good.

He opened the door and led her in a noisy bright lit room. When her eyes adapted to the light, Emily noticed she was standing on a kind of small stage, while lots of people broke their conversations and were beginning to examine her. She began to blush.
There weren’t actually so many people, but for her, dressed in her slutty white lingerie, that was more than enough to feel deeply ashamed and humiliated, even after the hardships of past months.
- Ladies and gentlemen! Allow me to present you with our next lot. Her name’s Emily, she’s an American girl, 20 years old, you can find more info about her under the number 63 in a catalogue you all received. She’ll make a good slave, natural blond, has a perfect little tight pussy…
He waved somewhere to the side, and Emily noticed a big screen on the wall. It was showing her nude pictures, and now – a close-up of her spread pussy. Another wave of embarrassment got a hold of her. It was weird for Emily to see how such shameful pictures of her body being demonstrated to a lot of people, who were admiring them and discussing details. “…Nice little clit she has…” “…Such a perky nipples…” “…Bet they are sensitive, yummy…”
She closed her eyes. But as if that wasn’t enough, a manager continued on humiliating her:
- She also not a silent type at all, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s watch a short video demonstrating her…
Oh my. Sounds of Emily moaning in pleasure filled the room. Of course she remembered how it was made. In one of the first days they made her cum a few times with a different toys. She couldn’t help opening her eyes again to watch at herself, screaming in pleasure on the monitor. The audience seemed impressed.
- I’m afraid not so good pain tolerance though. Which of course a plus to somebody, - the manager continued, and the video changed.
Oh, she remembered those too. Electricity, whips, canes, hot sauce in her pussy…. Whatever they didn’t try to make her scream of pain? Cutting her with some knives was probably all they didn’t get down to.
- I may say she looks really adorable while crying, - the manager commented, as on the monitor Emily struggled in agony and tears. Some of the customers liked that part a lot, she noticed. Please, anyone but not one of these guys…
The performance continued. They showed a lot about her. How she could suck cocks and lick pussy. How she could masturbate. They showed her tied up. They even showed her going to the toilet.
“One of this men I’ll be fucking with for the rest of my life…” Emily thought in fear, as she stood there and watched countless videos, helpless to do anything at all.
- Well, that’d be it. Any questions, - said the manager as the last video featuring Emily gagging on a dildo was over.
- Can I taste her pussy? – one volunteered.
- No, you know the rules. We can’t let you touch her until you buy her.
- Can I at least smell her then? Got to know what I’m buying.
- Ok, - the manager considered, - You girl, Get over here. Shift her panties to the side.
All she could do was to obey. She stepped forward and, closing her eyes with a feeling of deep embarrassment, pulled her soft white panties to one side, exposing her pussy. “You’ll be doing that a lot now, dear”, she told herself. She heard a few sniffing sounds from below. She wanted to run away immediately, but there wasn’t anywhere to run to.
- So, how was that? – asked someone from the crowd when the man finished.
- Good! Very good indeed, - he commented, - you know, she’s nice and wet already!
A few whistles followed. Emily knew he was right. She couldn’t help it. She WANTED to escape here, she never wanted to be someone’s slave, but some slutty part deep in her mind was aroused by the thought and no matter how she fought it, her pussy was getting wetter and wetter under the observation of so many people.
- Any more questions?
- Hey, girl, say “I’m a dirty little slave slut” so we could hear your voice, - asked a female from the far side of the audience.
- I… I’m a dirty little slave slut…
- Louder please!
- I’m a dirty little slave slut! – her voice broke at the end of the phrase, as she felt tears coming to her eyes.
“No crying… No crying now. Remember what this manager said? You don’t want to be sold to someone who’ll whip you black and blue…”
Emily forced a smile.
- Good.
- No more questions? Ok, we’ll start the bidding then, - said the manager, - We start at 300 million US dollars.

300 Million! That was more than a fortune. That was more money Emily could imagine. That was money you could live whole your life on. And that was only the start of the bidding. Suddenly she understood just how unforgivably rich people in a room were.
- I’ll give you 400, - a women in a red evening dress said calmly, - I need an always available fucking hole for my male slave. He couldn’t hold off his orgasms, so I want to have him cumming AT LEAST 10 times a day till he really begs for mercy, - she shared with the auditory, and that caused a small laugher.
Raising a bet by 100 million, just like that. Not even for herself. The prices just felt unreal. Emily could imagine that a human slave would worth a fortune nowadays. She just couldn’t imagine prices even remotely close to this.
- Leave this beautiful women to a slave? Sheesh! – replied a man in the center, - I give you 500.
- 600
- 750
- 800
- I give a billion, - that was a guy who sniffed her, - this pussy surely worth that much.
Auction continued. Emily actually didn’t even know such people existed. They were as rich as a small country. No wonder they can buy slaves – you can buy anything if you can give 1.5 billion for a girl to sleep with. And on top of it they were all perverts. With such a fortune they could make any girl marry them willingly. But they needed slaves. They liked games that a very rare person would endure of free will, no matter what the cost.
As prices rose, the intervals between bids lengthened. That was not an auction where you should make decisions fast. You could take time. It lasted until there was no one even considering to pay more.
- Sold! – shouted the manager at last, - 1,795,000,000 dollars.
Emily suddenly understood that she missed the last bidder. Who was it? Her mind began to wonder in all those numbers and discussions of her ass, pussy, tits and lips, and things that could be done to them.
“I hope that was not of the crueler ones…” - she thought while she was led to the waiting room.
She was left in a small room with expensive furniture. Here she were to wait for her new master. A steward was left to guard her and arrange anything a buyer would be wanting afterwards.
A door opened.
- Is this the right… Oh yeah, I see it is. Here’s my new girl.
He was rather small man, at the age of early thirties, but he was already starting to get bold. He had a smiley face and a little funny-looking moustache.
- Good afternoon sir. I will arrange anything you like from now on, - said the steward, - including any modifications and shipping.
- I’ll try her out, ok?
Blood chilled in the veins of Emily. She wasn’t ready! She knew she would never be, but she wasn’t expecting this now at all!
- As you wish, sir. Should I leave the room?
- No. No, just sit over there in the armchair and be silent. Now… - He turned to Emily, - Have a seat.
He pointed at the couch. Emily walked to it and sat, keeping her eyes down and her hands on the knees. She knew she was starting to sweat.
- Gorgeous. I’m glad I paid the money, - he said, sitting beside her and putting an arm at her shoulder. She startled nervously, - You may call me Frederic for now. I’m not into all that “master” thing… It’s okay… I’m not going to hurt you, I’m not that kind of man. You may say I actually saved you, the bidder before me likes electricity way too much if you ask my opinion... Look at me when I’m talking to you.
She didn’t want to. But she did look. As she did, his other hand reached into her corset and grabbed her breast.
- No-no-no, look at me. Tell me, girl, do you like to cum?
- What?
- Just answer the damn question. Do you enjoy your orgasms or not?
- Y… yes…
- Good. Excellent! I like them too. Girl’s orgasms, that is.
His hand slid down in between her legs. Emily gasped, and slowly breathed out. Her chin was trembling.
- Nervous huh? I like that, baby. I like that. Keep looking into my eyes, - he said, as he moved her panties to the side, - Oh, you are indeed wet. Don’t be embarrassed of me, I’m going to have you a lot in the future.
He started to stroke her pussy with his hand fast and hard, making Emily start to pant.
- Keep looking. And you know what I really enjoy? I like the look of your face when you cum… and cum… and cum…
Emily was getting close, she knew. She started to moan quietly. She didn’t want it. She was scared and freaked out. But she couldn’t stop her body starting to heat up and feel really good.
- And I like the look on a girl’s face when you can’t cum anymore. When you’v had enough… But you can’t help it and cum, over and over again, baby!
She was now at the very edge, gasping the air, moaning and screaming in pleasure when she breathed out. What he described seemed like another torture rather than pleasure, but at least she won’t be hurt…
She was going to cum… Just a little bit more, a few seconds!...
- Knock-knock.
Frederic stopped and looked around. Emily’s body was trembling in a sweet agony. She squeezed her legs, where her pussy throbbed, just a few strokes from orgasm. She had to bite her lip to suppress that feeling. She did not dare slide her own hand down and finish the job though.
She looked around too. That wasn’t knocking on a door, that was a man saying those childish words. It seemed like he was standing by the door for some time already.
- How should I understand it, -demanded Frederic, from an uninvited guest and steward at the same time.
- I’m sorry, but that’s… - Steward began.
- I’m Joshua Murdock, - sad a man, - I actually own this facility.
That made a pause. Steward knew him, obviously, and remained silent. Emily wasn’t in any position to say anything, she was still panting heavily. She looked at the newcomer with interest. What a man could own a place like that? He must be really rich. Only for her a ridiculous amount of money was paid, and there were dozens of slaves.
Joshua Murdock was an attractive man, with a short black hair, slightly grey already, which, nevertheless, only made him more attractive.
Eventually, Frederic said:
- Nice to meet you. I’m…
- I know you. I know everyone of my guests. Thanks for your… donation, - Joshua winked to Emily.
- That’s I who must be thanking you! – laughed Frederic, standing up and stretching the arm. There was some uneasiness as both men noticed Emily’s juices on it, - Erm… How did I earn this visit? – He said, wiping his hand with a handkerchief.
- I actually came for her. I’m so busy, can’t check up on every slave. But I saw the auction and found myself extremely interested particularly in her.
- Huh? – said Emily, slightly shocked.
- But… I already bought her! – Frederic protested.
- Your money will be returned. And as an apologize for the inconvenience, I offer you an opportunity to pick and take one other slave free, without any auction. It’s a lifetime offer, you may use it today or in ten years, it’s up to you.
- Well, err… - Frederic looked at Emily, and apparently decided that there could be a lot of other girls waiting for him for free, - Okay.
- Right.
- Erm… I shall go then?
- We are always happy to see you here, - Joshua replied in a rather cold voice which didn’t suggest any continuation of a dialogue.
And so Frederic left.
- Leave us, - Joshua said to the steward, - And… - He then leaned closer and whispered something, thus receiving a nod.
As they were left alone, he walked slowly towards the couch, and occupied the place, left vacant by Frederic. Emily didn’t find anything better than to fix her corset and panties and peer at the floor again. He sat back on the couch, stretched his legs forward, and produced a tired sigh, as if it was the first time he sat down during the day. That could be true, Emily thought. She couldn’t see him sitting like that, but she didn’t want to turn her head. He’ll do what he want eventually…
But, against her expectations, he didn’t. He didn’t move at all, and she was sitting completely still too.
Time passed.
Eventually, Emily started to wonder if he was asleep. She turned her head to check. He was just staring at the ceiling, but as she turned, his eyes instantly met hers. It was a stunning effect, and it was a few seconds before she forced herself to turn away.
After some more time he said:
- Sssooo…. Did you like his idea?
- What?
- About making you cum over and over again for hours? Speak your mind, I won’t bite you for that.
- No I didn’t. But I thought it was one of the lesser evils.
- True. But I didn’t like it either…
He went silent again. She knew he wasn’t sleeping now. Eventually, she couldn’t take it any more.
- Are you going to have sex with me? – she asked.
- Of course, - he replied from behind her back, - but not now. Too tired. Too much left to be done today too. I could do with a quick blowjob though.
And again, silence. Thoughts rushed through her head. Should she do it? She’ll have to eventually, so why stop now? Emily decided that from the bottom of the pit she was in now there were only way upwards. She’ll have to make a good impression. She had no choice anyway, rather than being forced to sex, she’ll abide by his will.
She turned to him, smiled, and reached for his pants with her hands. She knew he was loking at her body when Emily leaned down and stroked her cheek on the soft and slightly silky fabric of his trousers. She could feel the cock underneath it. She then unscrewed the fly of his pants and pulled them with the underwear down a bit.
He wasn’t that big, you could say he was average. He was cut, and that was the first time she saw a cut cock. She had to admit that it looked a bit more accurate than the stuff between her past boyfriends legs. He had a short haircut on the pubis, and was shaved clean everywhere else.
Emily grabbed his ball sack with one hand and began gently rub and squeeze it. Without hair, as she used to, skin in this place felt silky and nice. She found herself thinking that she could really enjoy this, if she wasn’t forced to do so.
“Well, here it goes. You never imagined you would suck a man’s cock after knowing him for half an hour as a mere slave, did you, dear?” – she thought, as she started to lick and suck his dick.
After awhile he said.
- You really ARE adorable. Do you like this?
- Yes… - she replied.
- Never lie to me again, girl. Speak your mind.
- I… It’s not disgusting but I hate being a slave. I never wanted to be just some pervert’s sexual toy, - Emily said, and thought that perhaps she was going too far. No point in insulting him, when he has full control over her.
- That’s more like it. Come here… - Emily was still sitting on the couch with her bottom, so he leaned to the side, to have a better reach to her ass, then pulled her panties down, - Keep sucking it, baby. I’ll make it a bit more enjoyable for you…
She felt him gently sliding his hand up and down her pussy, and then putting two fingers inside. Emily produced a quiet moan as he did so.
- Very nice…
She felt so embarrassed again. She wasn’t used to be in someone’s control that much, to just take whatever they do to her. That was a nicer sensation than before though. The other guy was just rubbing her clit, forcing her to cum, while Joshua surely was a master of this thing. He gently fucked Emly with his fingers, occasionally massaging her G-spot, lightly rubber her pussy and her clit. Exactly the way she enjoyed it. She was panting and moaning before long, her mind was getting blank, and she sucked him faster and deeper by the minute. It was her body doing things, not her. His other hand gently caressed her whole body, her breasts, her ass.
He was a master of this, but she noticed, that no matter how good it felt, it was always not enough for her to cum. Without doing anything in particular, he managed to give her lots of pleasure, but never quite enough.
- Okay, rule number one, slave toy, - Emily was so aroused that she didn’t even felt hurt by this. She just produced a moan a bit louder to show she was listening, without stopping to blow him, - Rule number one, I want you always get my permission when you want to cum. I don’t want my slave cumming without permission, okay?
That felt really weird, but she felt so horny now, that she couldn’t resist.
- Can I?
- What, before I do? No. You be patient, make ME cum, and I’ll consider.
- Ohh…
- And please, don’t let it fly all around, will you? Can’t have my suit ruined before the auctions end.
She knew where he was going with this. He wanted her to swallow it all. Oh, well, it’s not the worst thing that could happen, is it?
Emily continued blowing him, while he teased her swollen pussy with his fingers. It felt so good, but the other feeling was beginning to get in the way. She was getting needy, she wanted an orgasm so bad, especially after that fiasco earlier, when Frederic stopped so close…
- Oh, yea baby, just like that… I’m going to cum…
She prepared herself. She also noticed how his fingers began to grind in deeper and harder, bringing her even closer.
“He’s going to make me cum with him” – she thought.
But he didn’t. She felt hot sperm in her mouth, sweet and salty at the same time. She began to swallow it obediently, but his fingers slowed down again. Moaning and breathing deeply she sucked every bit of it.
- Good girl, now beg.
- What?
- For your orgasm, baby. You want it, don’t you.
- Yess…. Can I? – he didn’t reply, - Please?! – she ventured through moans.
- When did you have your last orgasm, Emily?
It took her a few seconds to concentrate.
- Amh… Erm… When they brought me here, one of this days. Pleeeease? Make me cum, please?
- Mmm… nope! – he pulled his hand away and licked the fingers, - Ah, you really taste wonderful!
She groaned and jerked her legs in agony. Her hand began to travel down.
- Ah! No self pleasuring! – said Joshua, holding her hand gently but strong, - That’s rule number two. Don’t worry, when you get to my house, I’ll make you cum. Deal? The atmosphere here is not romantic enough don’t you think?
- Please… - she whispered, still feeling pleasure in her throbbing pussy.
- No-no. I’v already decided, - he said, kissing her on the cheek, - Steward!
The steward came in.
- Did you get it?
The guy presented Mr. Murdock with a small white box.
- Excellent. Now Emily, here’s what I have for you…
It was a thin white leather collar, with something like a small screen in the middle. Emily had no choice but to stay still while her owner wrapped it around her neck and locked it in place with a small padlock.
- There you go. It’s waterproof, you don’t need to worry in shower.
- What is it? – she asked while small needles of fear started through your body.
- That’s just to eliminate any concerns and lack of trust between us. It counts. You know, all the nerve signals from your body are actually processed by the brain, thus they go through neck, - he explained, - As I said I don’t want you cumming without me, so to make sure, you get this. It simply counts your every orgasm, and every time you were close to it, in other words, on the edge.
- Oh my…
- It’s completely safe, don’t worry. It needs as much power as a cheap Chinese watch. And if the orgasm counter remains zero when you arrive to my place, which will be in… what?
- Roughly two weeks, sir, - said steward.
- …In two weeks time, then you are good. Else I will punish you severely, and make you really regret it, so you better keep it in!
She couldn’t find anything to reply.
- As a matter of fact, if you manage to bring yourself to the edge at least two times a day, you’ll be rewarded.
- Bring myself?...
- Masturbate. I recommend it only if you feel you can stop, though.
- Oh, my…
- That’s right. Now, steward.
- Yes?
- I want A few things. First, I want no hair on her body, except the head, eyebrows and eyelashes including of course, and a small piece on the pubis. She’s shaved now, but I don’t want to worry in the future.
- That will be done, sir. You should want to discuss the pubis hair piece with our staff though, to get exactly want you want.
- We’ll do that today. Send a man to me with catalogue or whatever you have. Also I don’t want her getting pregnant.
- We shall prevent it. A small operation.
Everything froze inside of Emily. It was one of the instincts a mind could not control. Not that she wanted to get a child in slavery, but to lose the ABILITY to have one was scary.
- Will it affect her hormones? Is it reversible?
- No, it won't, sir. And it is easy to reverse.
She felt a little better.
- What about menstruation?
- The operation I mentioned won’t affect it. There is means, if you like, but those, on the contrary, do mess with hormones.
- Don’t want it then, - he said to her relief, - I wand a healthy girl.
- As you wish.
- Good. Now arrange everything, will you. I expect to get the delivery in time and in a shape I want.
- Of course.
- I shall go then.
And he left. Emily was led back to her cell.


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Here's the second part: http://www.milovana.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=7434
Last edited by Nezhul on Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:11 am, edited 5 times in total.
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SexualChoc
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Re: Sold!

Post by SexualChoc »

Very well done
I hate the lack of Paragraph indents but that the way these messages work.

But I really liked the story.
feel free to write in your native language too, there are no rules about language,
just most people read English.

Hope you write again!
all2true
is my other profile. see my chastity belt link :
http://www.milovana.com/forum/viewtopic ... 16#p139016
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Nezhul
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Re: Sold!

Post by Nezhul »

Don't see a point no active Russians here, and maybe a few lurkers. I really don't like it when I see german teases with so sexy pictures and can't know what's written. So I at least won't bother anyone of you with Russian here. English is international, that's more or less international community, so I see it a bit rude to write in native languages, even if it's not restricted. Besides I write sci-fi in my native language, no point in writing sex stories in it too. That story's motivation was at least by half - to see if I can write something readable in English. Please if you have remarks on style, grammar, bad choice of words or whatever - share this with me.
Planning to write more of it too. I actually thought up at least as much more of a story, so I guess I'll at least finish that.

Oh BTW. in the end there was
- Will it affect her hormones? Is it reversible?
- Yes and yes, sir.
I meant Actually no. It won't affect and it's reversible. SO it's not so harsh as it may have seem.


p.s. Corrected a few screw-ups and added a few lines in the ending dialogue with the steward.
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dolphkuellar
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Re: Sold!

Post by dolphkuellar »

I think you did a fine job for your first attempt at a story in English! There was a good flow to the story, and as far as content and pacing goes I found it easy to read. I think you did a good job bringing us readers into the mind of the main character Emily, and there were some really nice moments - I especially liked it when Emily was told not to scream and beg during the auction, as this would only make her more attractive to the sadists in the audience :)

As far as grammar goes, there's plenty of room for improvement, but of course that's perfectly understandable given that you're not used to writing stories in English. A couple of the more obvious things I noticed:

1) You've mixed up "were" and "was" a few times, for example:
> "There were a snack table too, laid with dishes" - should be "was";
> "Only for her a ridiculous amount of money were paid, and there was dozens of slaves" - "were" and "was" should be switched around here

2) I noticed a few instances where you switched a word for another, similar sounding word, for example:
> "He must be really reach" - should be "rich";
> "off course" - should be "of course" (happened a couple of times)

3) This is perhaps more of a personal thing, but I much prefer quotation marks rather than dashes to indicate speech: "like this," he said, and not -like this. Especially since you've started out using quotation marks, and seem to have switched to dashes later on...

But those are all just small points, and easily fixed. I think you have the beginnings of a great story here. If you write more - and I certainly hope you do - it might be worthwhile trying to find an editor, to clean up the English a little bit? That's up to you though; it may not be easy to find one.

In any case, have fun and happy writing! :)
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Re: Sold!

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Hey thanks for the review!

1 & 2 are totally my failings. As I read your examples I see the mistakes myself - I just mess it up a bit while I write the sentence, and sometimes I don't see it while re-reading the whole text. Thanks, I fixed it.

As for the quotes. Well I intended to go for the quotes with her THOUGHTS, something she does not say aloud, and with dashes for the speech. That's why.
Also I'm more used to it because in my country quotation marks ONLY to highlight QUOTES, and we used only dashes for the speech. So I really didn't even give it a second thought, although I do get your point - I read a lot of books in English and I'm used to quotation marks too.
But If I were to fix this, how should I highlight her THOUGHTS? I wanted to make it obvious where she just thinks something to herself and where she actually says something.

Also I'm indeed writing more of it, but I doubt I ever will write enough to publish it as a novel, even it it was edited. I have a certain plans, but after that there's darkness with the story. I guess it would be 30-50 pages in Word, not longer, unless I suddenly come up with some really good ideas.
Check out my new site, and read SexTV story there!
Also I have the DARK section that features feature Erotic Horror.
I also launched a SubscribeStar recently! Please come check it out!
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Re: Sold!

Post by dolphkuellar »

No problem :)

As for highlighting her thoughts, I think there are several ways to do it. One way would be to avoid any punctuation and simply to use tags like "she thought", or make it clear from the context that these are her thoughts. To use an example from the story:

“Not me, please not yet!...” – Her thoughts rushed.

Would be:

Not me, please not yet, she thought; or, Not me, she thought desperately, please not yet!; or, A single thought ran repeatedly through her mind - not me, please not yet!

Another way would be to italicize her thoughts, which I think is pretty common. So just like the above, except all her direct thoughts are in italics, for example:

Not me, she thought desperately, please not yet!

This has the advantage that you can, if you want, do away with the tags like "she thought", and rely on the italics to let the reader know that Emily isn't actually saying these words, just thinking them.

I'm sure there are other ways to do it, but these are the more common ones that I'm familiar with. I do think it's important to be consistent though: if you're going to italicize her direct thoughts, stick with that all the way through.

Hope that helps!
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