My review of 2010

[flyhigh4]

I am a silent visitor of this forum for 1-2 years now. And I am writing this thread because

• I recognized this forum as a community with people that share values like honesty, fair-mindedness, heartiness, openness, helpfulness, …

• The year is going to end and it was a really bad one for me

• I definitely need help or advice

I am 29 years old and started to get sexual arousal when being submissive at the age of 14. Over the last 10 years I got caught from the internet looking for porn including all kind of bdsm material for masturbation. I never had the possibility to explore those kinky thoughts in a relationship. My last relationship ended 4 years ago. That’s sad enough to be along for such a long time.

But all that came to a point in the last few months, where it is hard to handle anymore. Right now it is hard for me to get focused on everyday life. I have a huge circle of friends as well as some hobbies. But they are all getting more and more boring to me. I didn’t know why this happened but I am quite sure, that this is because of addiction to femdom porn. I had some crucial experiences:

• 1) I bought some worn panties from an online domme, and paid her a big amount of money for being able to get her lingerie. When being out with friends over the weekend, all I was thinking of, was the moment when this panties will arrive, so that I am allowed to sniff and worship them.

• 2) I bought many of those financial domination clips and was fantasizing about blackmailing and the power a woman could have over me. I thought it’s just fantasy, but fantasy became true, when I met a domme that totally took advantage of my situation. I gave her a little bit too much information. She knew how to use it and I couldn’t make her stop. I really got scared to be exposed. She abused me and made me pay one monthly salary to her. Full of fear I paid her and thanks her for being so generous. I was fucking shocked days after. So far I could manage not to contact any dommes again, but I still can’t help myself and have look at her journal from time to time.

When I look in the mirror I see a guy that really is a successful business man. That has a lot of good friends and I know, that they enjoy my friendship and my values a lot. But I also see a guy that got poor in words over the last year. A guy, that has thousands of bsdm-clips on his hard drive and a lot of financial domination clips with woman saying degrading things that are lowering my self-esteem. I like those kinky stuff, but when I look back what it has done to me, I am not sure where to go on. Right now it is easy for me to have an orgasms when jerking to bsdm material. But it is so difficult to get myself focused on girls again, getting hard without fantasizing on being humiliated. It is difficult to get erected on the normal way. I didn’t want things to come that far. In this regard I am thankful that I had this shocking end of the year. I started this review of my life because of the mentioned experiences. I have to think daily of the blackmail mistress that fucked my mind. She isn’t worth those thoughts but the experience was dramatic and she got my mental activity linked to her. I am proud that I didn’t contact her again nor did I spend a single dollar on her. But still it is a mental struggle.

What I would like to achieve is to be normal again, whatever this is. Not being addicted to stroke only to femdom porn. Not to have the urge to look at journals of financial dommes exploiting weak guys. It is disgusting. I would love to have feelings again for girls. To get sexual aroused without being submissive and thinking of worshipping her feet. But to get aroused by lying next to her in bed and pressing her body against mine. To get focused on everyday life, to friends, to family. I had a date some days ago, but one day after all those thoughts caught me again and I didn’t feel good enough to contact her again. I feel ashamed and don’t know how to start things in a normal way.

I also started some actions so far. I set a limit to not spend more than a certain amount of money on bsdm material each month. I don’t want to spend my hard earned money for this addiction. I started to read some articles about sex addiction. I promised to not contact any online domme. I succeeded for some weeks now. I am trying to jerk to normal porn, to get away from just being submissive. That’s the hardest part, my sexual arousal to femdom material has become very big. I don’t know if this goes into the right direction. I haven’t talked to anyone so far. I am thinking about telling the whole story with all those secrets about my second life to my best friend. I will be really ashamed when doing this and it will probably change our relationship. I am not sure if this is the right step. Maybe I will feel better afterwards.

First at all I didn’t want to tell my whole story. But right now I have to do it quickly before I reconsider again. Here it is, my review of 2010, one of the most dramatic and eventful years in my life. Hopefully you can share some of your thoughts. Maybe there is the option to delete this thread later on in case that I reconsider what I have done right now.

I would like to wish you a happy new year 2011. It should be a good one to you!

[ismara]

I'm 20 now, but I've been getting off to webteases since well before Milovana existed to centralize the concept. My first orgasm - before I even knew I was capable of such a thing! - was to a webtease, which ironically was forbidding me to cum...
I looked at softcore, non-nude stuff while I felt guilty about the idea of looking at porn, but once I got past that phase it took almost no time at all to discover and completely immerse myself in the world of BDSM. Honestly, the first time I searched for porn videos, I typed in 'sex slave'. Submission and sexuality were somehow already strongly linked in my mind at a young age, and I'm not sure why. I can get off to normal porn and even just softcore fine, but I definitely find humiliation and such far more arousing.

For most of this time I've never had any real concern about how fucked up some of the stuff I masturbate to is. I kind of figured once I get a girlfriend I can just forget about it, it's not like a normal relationship and vanilla sex don't appeal to me. I never thought I'd actually do any kinky shit for real when I got older. I still want that normal relationship, but only recently have I begun to question whether something that's become such a big part of my life can be so easily shelved. It's not that I don't feel that I'm capable of putting it all aside, I'm just not sure I want to anymore. Once upon a time, the private fantasy was beautiful enough. Now that I'm older, to really live the submissive scenario to a dominant woman sounds like a life experience I don't want to miss out on.

I'm not really sure what I want, and I am a little worried that my porn experiences have substantially impacted priorities in my sexuality, but at no point have I felt out of control. Even if I begin to explore Femdom/BDSM/etc. in the real world with real people, I'm comfortable with that. Where I draw the line would be the same as where I've always drawn it: such that it can't affect the rest of my life. When the fun is over, I'm not some slave worm to anyone - I'm just a normal guy. I don't feel guilty or ashamed once I finish masturbating, 30 seconds later I've flushed the tissue and I'm playing video games or something. Although I am sometimes disgusted with myself after finishing a tease that ends with me cumming in my own mouth or such - no matter how many times I try, despite how hot it sounds...that shit tastes awful

Sorry that I don't really have any advice to give, but I thought I'd share my story in case you can take something from it. Happy new year!

[camipco]

Some thoughts.

1) Branch out. There's plenty of femdom that isn't based on financial domination or humiliation. You're unlikely to have much success going cold turkey on femdom altogether. But try just avoiding the pay / degrading stuff. It's not healthy for your sexuality to become completely obsessed by one thing, I think.

2) Hint to your friends, find people to reach out to. BDSM is like, super mainstream now. If you have at least a dozen other friends, I guarantee you one of them is into BDSM too. Don't just walk into a conversation with "I'm addicted to humiliation and financial domination" - that's going to freak everyone out. But drop the occasional hint that you like your porn a little kinky and take note who among your friends picks up on the hint. Then follow up with them another time, adding a little more info. Go slow, stop talking and make light if the other person starts to look uncomfortable. And be sure to be willing to listen. But I've found having friends with whom I can share just a little about what I like makes a big difference in not feeling isolated.

3) Find a community. Posting here is great (thanks for sharing, btw). But you should also reach out to people in your hometown, look for safe kinky parties and clubs and make friends. Don't go looking for women to dom you (although that may be nice, sure). Go looking for friends who you can share this part of your identity with.

Having a sexual fetish which you can't share publicly is quite similar psychologically to being homosexual and closeted. Being closeted fucking sucks, it'll make you depressed. For gay people, it's incredibly psychologically harmful to feel isolated, to be constantly hiding your sexuality and such a huge part of who you are. It's no different for us subs. If you can't find friends, if you can't find a community that you can share that side of your self with, then holding that inside will fucking consume you. What you need is a way to maintain your real self-esteem while being able to enjoy your self-esteem-abusing fetish. And for that, you need friends. Find them.

[Quazwierdcev283]

Flyhigh,
I also like this community for many of the same reasons as you. I didn't used to read the forums, but when I did I was amazed by some of the conversations that were going on. Some were conversations that you might have with a friend, nothing to do with this site at all. Once in a while there are people who are rude or offensive (dannyboy anyone?), but overall, we all seem to want a sociable site.
I'd like to second the therapist suggestion and remind you that therapists are not supposed to discuss anything you discuss with them to anyone else unless they believe you may cause harm to someone. I also have noticed that the steps to overcoming a smoking addiction, alcohol addiction, etc. are all quite similar with just a bit of rewording. Maybe you could tell a friend that you are overcoming an addiction that you'd rather not discuss, but you were wondering if they would be your backup to help you overcome it. This is an especially good idea if you're friend has an addiction that they wish to overcome themself.
I have never suffered with an addiction, so I can't help you from that standpoint, but I do know, no matter what it is, having someone to call and check-up on you helps. Best of luck in overcoming your addiction and welcome to the forum.

[SexualChoc]

I am a silent visitor of this forum for 1-2 years now. And I am writing this thread

But all that came to a point in the last few months, where it is hard to handle anymore. Right now it is hard for me to get focused on everyday life. I have a huge circle of friends as well as some hobbies. But they are all getting more and more boring to me. I didn’t know why this happened but I am quite sure, that this is because of addiction to femdom porn. I had some crucial experiences:

I would like to wish you a happy new year 2011. It should be a good one to you!

dear Flying High
I am also deeply addicted to porn
And have struggled with what that means to me for over 20 years.
1) Loving Porn does not make you a 'bad' person
2) if you are looking for a good DOM, Alison on this site does sessions, yes she charges
but her's are not Financial Domination.
I personnally think finacial domination is a 'bad' thing but that is my opion.

You could also check out CHAT here on Milovana to help you understand yourself.

Realisticly the Who am I? question is a deep one.
I recomend a spiritual Journey of some kind to help you with that.
(reading or studying philospophy and/or religion(s))

If you want to talk to me more in depth
Feel free to PM me, I do, do professional councling.

[seraph0x]

My compliments to you, flyhigh, for sharing your story with that kind of honesty. It inspired me to share my own perspective - hopefully you'll get something out of it.

I thoroughly enjoy femdom and porn of all sorts and I feel like it's been a definite enrichment to my life. I've learned a lot about human nature and psychology and I've channeled much of that sexual motivation into self improvement. Everybody in my family, most of my friends and even most of my colleagues know that I run this site and a few are members.

I'm not that into femdom itself anymore except in role play. Rather, the worship aspect of it has turned into a deep respect and admiration for women. Think about femdom for a second. For whose benefit is it really? What woman wants to share a roof with a "worm"? Take a step back from fantasy femdom online and think about real people. The first step to being truly submissive in the sense of truly making your significant other happy is to get your own affairs in order.

Don't get rid of your femdom addiction. Instead, make it a quest for true submission. Become more disciplined, figure out what you want in life, accept yourself as you are, meditate, be compassionate. Be the BEST you can be. Ironically, for me femdom turned into something where I am in charge, but as a service to a woman who deserves it and feels the same way about me.

It doesn't make too much sense on the face of it, how submissive feelings could apply to a situation you control. But that's just it, this feeling that we crave isn't just submission. It's devotion. Self sacrifice. A romantic might even call it love...

---

So how does this help you? I don't know, but I did have a brief period where femdom had taken an unhealthy turn. I did not go as far as you did, but I did sense that direction and like you it scared me.

My advice would be not to fight femdom as an addiction, but to introspect and find out what emotions underlie it. What do you get out of it? Are there any healthier directions in which to point these desires?

I also could not agree more with camipco: Branch out. I'm going to do something I rarely do and recommend some stuff specifically:
1. Anything by Kink.com, especially Hogtied.com. I've had the honor to meet a lot of their staff and models personally and they have just such a healthy attitude about BDSM. And it comes out through in their work. You certainly know them unless you're from the moon, but the reason I recommend Hogtied.com is that it is distinctly *not* femdom, and somehow it's always been the one site I turn to for grounding.
2. Ifeelmyself.com. Once again the mentality of the people behind the site comes out in the result. The fact that it's quiet and intimate forces you to sit back and learn to savor every bit of the experience. Notice every twitch, every shiver and recognize that every orgasm is a miracle in the truest sense of the word.
3. If paying for porn is something you'd rather not do for the time being, well there are lots of free sites with interesting varied content like, I don't know, this one. - I'm sure others will shower you with links if you ask them. One other site I enjoy is fleshbot.com.

Maybe you know all of those places already and I'm not at all saying "More porn! That'll help!" On the contrary, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna get porn, don't go from one femdom blog to the next. Branch out.

As for the being single part... classic problem, classic answer: Go meet people. I wouldn't worry too much about those horror scenarios where you can only ever be aroused by femdom anymore. That's just not how it works, the only thing you need to worry about is the worry itself. Chill out, center yourself, breathe, genuinely enjoy your own company and the company of good people and a woman will capture your heart, they are good at it.

[flyhigh4]

Lovely community. I would like to say thank you for your answers. It was quite hard for me to do this post. Your posts definitely were helpful. Thanks a lot for that. Right now after a fews days my thoughts, feelings, nearly everything is still confused. I wish that this mind-confusion will get weaker after some days. It is very exhausting.

Right now my mind is still going in nearly every direction. The suggestion about branching out from the humiliating, degrading, financial-domme things sounds absolutely logical to me. This might help to avoid a cold turkey and calm down a little bit. It is f... difficult not to fall back on these sites that are arround everywhere. A lot of time every day I catch mayself thinking of the domme that exploited me. Tell your mind "NOT to think about it" and it defnitely will think about it. That's the hardest part right now. I hope not to fall back. Focusing on other porn and femdom without this evil elements might help. I will try this.

And yes, it might be a good idea to talk to someone. My first stop was this post here. I am not sure if I should go to a friend or to an external person. Both seems to be very hard.

Once again thanks for sharing your thoughts. Writing those lines feels good. Seems to that there is a long way to go for me ...