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[arekives]

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[subboytom]

Dear arekives,
It sounds like you're in an incredibly tough situation. My personal view is that BDSM relationships are not qualitatively different from vanilla relationships, and that the same mutual respect underpins a BDSM relationship as a good vanilla relationship. As such, I think you are going to have to take a little bit of power back - you have to make her understand what a serious issue this is for you, and if she still wont listen, you have a choice to make - either the benefits of staying with her are worth the misery, or they arent. If they arent (and from what you've said, I would suggest they arent), then you should leave her. I promise, being single is not all that scary. Its not as fun as being in a good relationship, but its a hell of a lot better than being in a bad one.

Whatever you decide, good luck!
Tom

[Xenophobe]

People that suffer in abusive relationships (bdsm or otherwise) often struggle with the same kinds of inner turmoil you've mentioned. People in abusive relationships have difficult leaving because a) they feel helpless, b) the are not financially independent and so, cannot easily leave, c) they still love the people who abuse them, and/or d) they are afraid (and rightfully so) that attempting to leave may result in additional abuse (or possibly threats by the abuser that he or she will hurt themselves or others).

You are in an abusive relationship.

Get out.

The PTSD episode you described and any other similar behavior is not your fault or responsibility. However, it certainly interferes with your ability to express and obtain your needs. Get out.

[cikinit23]

There certainly appear to be more than just a few things going on that you don't like and are uncomfortable with. No matter what kind of relationship someone is in, whether is be a vanilla relationship, BDSM, or even a simple friendship, that person must be happy or else things won't work. The important thing here is that you feel like you are being used and if you don't like that you should remove yourself from the relationship.

[drawn]

She tells me that I've caused all of this to happen. She tells me we entered this relationship as a power-exchange relationship and in doing so I've given her the right to treat me any way she desires. That I've given away all human rights to her, save the right to end the relationship.

This is fundamentally untrue, BDSM relationships do not have to be (and I imagine very rarely are) absolute exchanges of power. I am not an expert but I'd say almost all dominant females do care a great deal about their partners, just like a more vanilla relationship. The exact balance of power is between the two of you, but it is inaccurate, unfair, and passive aggressive for her to say that the current situation is a basic requirement of the relationship and any unhappiness is entirely your fault.

I feel like I'm being abused, but she tells me that's not so. She tells me that I consented to this - that I agreed to let her treat me however she wanted. She tells me that I can leave at any time so it's not abuse.

Regardless of what you might have said in the past, if she is really quite happy to let you leave instead of looking to make changes, or even entertaining the possibility -- do you want to stay?

I'm inclined to agree that based on this post you are in a relationship that has turned unhealthy and possibly abusive, and you may need to have a long hard think about what you want for your life. It may be you have to turn away from the relationship and suffer the loss now in order to find real happiness down the road, but ultimately this is a question you must answer yourself. The best advice I can give is to be brutally honest with yourself about the situation while you consider these things.

[dark]

Wow...

The only advice I have for you is: Leave her as soon as possible. If she don't listen to you and if she don't care about your mental pain, she is not worth that you serve her. You said that you wanted to talk with her about, there is nothing more you can do.

A 24/7 relationship means not that you have no rights and of course she has to treat you like a human being if you need that. She abuses you and she will destroy you if you don't do something. I wish you a lot of power and strength to get through it and find a solution. Don't suffer too much my friend and don't let her destroy you.

Better an end with pain than endless pain.

[lowielowieke]

if something doesn't feel right don't do it.

[JelloBoy]

People that suffer in abusive relationships (bdsm or otherwise) often struggle with the same kinds of inner turmoil you've mentioned. People in abusive relationships have difficult leaving because a) they feel helpless, b) the are not financially independent and so, cannot easily leave, c) they still love the people who abuse them, and/or d) they are afraid (and rightfully so) that attempting to leave may result in additional abuse (or possibly threats by the abuser that he or she will hurt themselves or others).

You are in an abusive relationship.

Get out.

The PTSD episode you described and any other similar behavior is not your fault or responsibility. However, it certainly interferes with your ability to express and obtain your needs. Get out.

+1, Xenophobe is absolutely correct, get out now!

[cumhardy]

Dude, she sounds like a dick to be honest.
sorry if that is insensitive, I know you still love her. I was in a similar vanilla situation with a very manipulative and horrible girl for 3 years. I thought I loved her too but once I had got out of the relationship I realised I had totally hated her for about 2 and a half years of the realtionship.
Dump her, get out now.

If you are supporting her financially, she needs you more than you need her anyway. You have the power. Get out, get your life back.

[Crocko]

First of all, cut the financial support off. Even in a BDSM relationship, there is a great foundation of trust and emotional support, and if she can't support you like that, you shouldn't support her with your money.

That is one of the most crucial things, i think, if you take in any of what i'm saying.

Secondly, your girlfriend seems to have lost her respect for you. This was an exchange of power from the start, but also one of roleplay. The trap you've both fallen into is living this lifestyle. Nobody wants to be treated like like shit 24 hours a day. Its nice to let yourself go, and fall into the BDSM side of things when you both need it- but she's become acustomed to having you at her beckon call all the time, giving her money, and doing her chores.

You do all of this for her, and you get little back in return. So you're slowing digging yourself into this rut, and shes thinking: "Hey, I've got this guy to pay my way and do my things. He can kick up a bit of a fuss, but I can still sleep with other men."

You can't have your cake and eat it, they say. Accept a bit of the responsibility for why this went wrong. If you really want her back, you need to earn her respect first. Tough though it sounds, stop giving her money, stop doing her chores. By all means, keep an open channel of comunication, but remember- you're a person, not an object. It goes the same for guys AND girls.

We're all here online because we like the idea of experimenting with the power dynamic in a relationship, to different extents. Don't feel alone. Most of us know what you're going through.

[deviant1]

Ditch the Bitch. Move on with your life and you will find what you are looking for. Your relationship sounds just like a bad marriage ending with someone trying to hold on when it's really over. We hold on because of fear, fear we may never find another person we could ever love this much, fear we may be alone forever....don't allow fear to dictate your future. We are all afraid in these situations, and that's ok, it's normal, but it is NOT the end of the world, it is the beginning of something new and better. Good Luck.

[Switch J]

While it would arguably be more fun to 'de-lurk' on Lindsey's thread - I'd like to add to the other sentiments here and say that any close relationship relies on communication, love and respect. Some or all of those things is now missing from yours and for your well being I think it's important for you to be strong and move on. The fact that she's no longer willing to listen to you and work things out (covering her ears?) says you're done. If you feel this way and she's not open to changing things then as painful as it may be you need to find a healthier relationship.

I realize giving up a rare relationship as yours is must be hard to do, but living in an abusive situation can permanently affect you if you don't protect yourself and regain some strength soon. For all the slave play, you're still human with real, valid emotional needs that must be met.

Take care man,
J

[z_k]

DTMFA.

[Nikki]

I am super impressed with the advice from the forum to this man who is obviously hurting.

BDSM or Vanilla it makes no matter as hard as it may seem at the moment it sounds like it is time to move on for your own peace of mind and well being.

Nikki

[Evals]

I know what you're thinking. If you let go of her, you'll never find such a woman as her again. But of course when you feel you love somebody, that's how it always is, until you let her go. The best thing you can do for both of you is to cut off the money, terminate the relationship, and remove yourself from her life. She's shown that she doesn't care about your well being and she refuses to listen and doesn't respect your feelings. You're worth more than being treated that way.

What I think you need to realize right now is that you're just as special as you feel she is. You're able to care about somebody this deeply, and yet, it's not being appreciated. You believe you'll never find anybody like her, but I promise you there's someone else just as extraordinary out there as you feel she is and even more. That person doesn't have somebody like you who she could really use right now. The sooner you move on past what's going on right now, the sooner you will enter that other girl's life.

Evals