Explorations in Kink (long)

[aldorax]

Greetings Milovans!

This site has always been about (or for) explorers and exploring one's fetishes, turn-ons, turn-offs, and otherwise experimenting or pursuing erotic stuff that "normal society" might consider to be "deviant" or kinky. Having been a member for many, many years, I've seen the site grow and evolve and a burgeoning community develop with many regulars participating regularly - both professional and amateur along with some hobbyists and part-time kinksters. As such, although I have never given back via creating teases, I try to do my part in fostering the community through active forum participation and some stories/extended posts. Indeed, I find the kink community here perhaps the most inviting, tolerant, and well behaved of others that I've encountered both in person and virtually.

Before going further, a little background: I first got exposed to kink back in the early 1990s with surfing old USENET news feeds, particularly all.sex.bdsm.stories and alt.sex.stories --anyone remember those? So for me the first serious kink interests began in earnest in college but I do have memories of playing with ropes and whenever I could find around the house as a way to immobilize myself for a little while when growing up.

Recently, I wanted to explore some of what I used to consider more deviant fetishes to see exactly what was so interesting, erotic, or popular about them – especially since I've come across many stories that focus on these sorts of things. Therefore, in January I budgeted a small amount of money to explore two of these fetishes and see a bit of what they were all about and my reactions to them. I should add that this was done by myself at home in private since although I have several kinky friends, I remain hesitant of being associated with certain kinks at the moment – and certainly not publicly, to include online via video. Although I've always been somewhat curious, I think the impetus to finally explore these things came about as a way to divert myself from some familial trauma last year that I don't need to go into here. Whatever.

For this exploration, I looked at a) the erotic aspects of women's' clothing and b) what people find so attractive about diapers. While I've always understand the former, the latter really didn't make any sense to me – but who am I to judge? Everyone has their own interests and kinks, so each to their own.

Posts for each will come shortly in this thread....

[aldorax]

Exploration: Women's' Clothing

It's not a surprise that many men find playing with or wearing women's' panties erotic. Heck, for at least the past decade I've had a few nylon panties to periodically wear around the house of jerk off in. Frankly, I find them quite comfortable, somewhat naughty, and love how they provide a very intense, electric feeling when touching oneself through the sheer fabric, especially if they're not 'snug' per se but more roomy. However, I went beyond that this spring because I was curious what it felt like to wear other types of women's' attire beyond just panties. While I'm not one for feminization or sissy-play or lifestyle changes, I do know that some men get a rush or turned-on by wearing women's' clothing in and of themselves.

Therefore, I picked up a fairly generic sports bra (consider it a 'starter bra' – easy for a guy to manage!), a six-strapped garter belt, and some plain white nylon stockings. That was enough of an 'expansion' into this realm for me for now. It took a little getting used to and adjusting, of course. However, I noted that wearing these items around the house now and then during off-hours/weekends was somewhat constricting and served as a constant yet subtly-erotic reminder that I was "being naughty" or doing something deviant….so I can understand the reason why some women might embrace placing their boys/men in such attire. As time went on, however, none of this felt bad, was uncomfortable, and much to my surprise, I didn't look as silly as I thought I would.

Two interesting and repeated observations here: When dressed up around the house, I found myself slipping into a more erotic and aroused mood during the day. Then, later on when playing with myself (in any or all of this stuff) – the sensations were extremely erotic and the intensity of my orgasms were very different from what I experience normally. Whether that was just the novelty of the situation or indicative of this being a repressed kink slowly coming into view, I am not sure but it was an interesting thing to note. So I can certainly understand the kinky attraction for women who “pantify” their boys at home and see it as a form of 'soft' control in a kinky relationship. :)

Would I wear this stuff out in public? As I said, probably not, for the reasons I mentioned above. That said, over the years I have run errands on weekends wearing panties for short jaunts around town. So it was nothing extreme or sinister -- just different. Can I see myself going further down the road of women's' clothing and/or feminization? Probably not – this was a comfortable and semi-exciting extension of my boundaries. However, at least I know that if a significant other or partner indicated such things were a turn on for her, I understand what that entails to a degree enough to warrant 'negotiation' –- and, quite frankly, to my surprise this was a bit of a turn-on for me as well.

[aldorax]

Exploration: Diapers

This was somewhat of a more controversial thing to me since the notion of an adult baby, watersports, and other things in this realm never really turned me on. Heck, I don't even want kids! However, what I've always found erotic in erotic stories is that the diaper itself not only is a form of power exchange and control between people but also can be akin to wearing a chastity belt (which I've never done either, by the way) insofar that you are unable to touch yourself at all and, depending on how well-padded it is, even touching yourself through your diapers won't register on your crotch. Plus, it's a form of bondage – making it hard to walk, sit, or sleep normally. So there are several aspects of this that were erotically interesting for me just in what a diaper does to a person – I've not said anything about actually using them!

For this exploration, I went online and ordered several different types of diapers from a medical supply place which provides sample packs. Frankly, I think most places that provide sample packs do a pretty good amount of business with the kinky community -- but from a medical perspective, it makes sense to have samples so caregivers and medical staff can see what design/type works best for a given patient. But I didn't stop there. As I mentioned above, erotic use of diapers frequently involves it being imposed on somebody as a form of punishment or chastity. Therefore I wanted to try something similar. After a little bit of research on the Internet, I spent a few more dollars on what I can perhaps best describe as "punishment pants." Purchased from a custom store in Europe, these 'shorts' pants are significant in size, have a 10-inch-wide thickly padded crotch (you can order wider) and padding up and down the center of the front and back as well. Wearing them over regular underwear was interesting and made walking cumbersome – however, wearing them over one or two diapers was more than a little cumbersome, to say the least. It feels like one is sitting on pillows, and laying down is only really comfortable on your back or stomach while wearing them. Moreover, these pants have a removable chain around the waist that can be locked – meaning, one of my planned experiences was to essentially lock myself into these pants while being diapered and let nature take its course if possible – albeit only with liquids, for I am not into playing with anything from the rear.

To say that I was somewhat excited as I assembled these materials and got dressed to for the first time is an understatement. But it wasn't just excitement as in 'erotic horny excitement' but rather excitement at trying something deviant, new, and akin to what I had read about over the years in various erotic stories.

The first time I did not lock myself into the this getup but simply diapered myself on a Friday evening as I did work around the house and cleaned up some files on the computer. Because as we all know is not normal to go to the bathroom anywhere except in a bathroom (or by a tree) I had the sound of some running water playing in the background just to keep things a little more interesting and help things along. I also had other recordings going later on that evening which I'll describe in a few minutes. But otherwise, I went about my planned evening activities normally.

It took about two or three hours before I felt bad enough to begin to try to relieve myself in my diapers. It was a struggle at first, trying, pushing, releasing, pushing, releasing, thinking of something else, pushing, and releasing – but ultimately I began to relax enough to slowly start to let myself go. It was interesting sensation to feel warmth - but not necessarily wetness - spreading around the crotch and at the same time realize that everything was contained in this mass of cloth around my waist. Something was happening but I couldn't see it! I managed to wet a few more times over the evening, and must admit that the sensation of warmth (and as time went on) wetness spreading or running down my crotch to the pads on the rear of the diaper was a somewhat distracting and disturbing experience but again not unexpected.

As evening went on, it became quite clear that the diaper was nearing its saturation point – even the punishment pant itself was sagging under the weight of everything that the diaper had collected during the evening. Moving about while wearing (and feeling) the fairly full diaper was different but not problematic, and certainly made me remind myself that "yes, I have wet myself." The evening concluded with me going to the bathroom, stripping, showering, and changing into normal clothes for bed. I would try this experiment a few more times over future weekends as well, including freezing the key to the pants lock in ice as a further 'incentive' to see things through to the logical conclusion.

As with the women's' clothing exploration, here too I came across an interesting observation as I experimented with diaper-wearing over the course of several hours or over a weekend. Perhaps it is the number of times you wet yourself or have fluid pushing through your cock, but it always felt as though I had engaged in some serious masturbation or sexual escapades. I felt drained (obviously) but more so, always seemed to have a slight erotic buzz for a little while afterwards. That was not something I expected.

Similar to what I said earlier about wearing women's clothes around the house versus going outside in public, the same applies to me and diapers. However, I did find them surprisingly erotic the more I experimented wearing them: First, it serves as a puffy and padded form of self-denial indeed, wearing a diaper and the punishment pant made it virtually impossible for me to touch the outside of the pant and feel anything on my crotch. That lack of sensation – and when the pant was locked on, a form of chastity -- certainly provided an erotic thrill as did having to walk and move awkwardly around the house. Second, I found the ('unnatural') act of relieving myself in the diaper to be oddly liberating, relaxing, and – provided that the diapers are secured properly – nothing to worry about in terms of making a mess. Third, being locked away in such ways surprisingly put me into an erotic mood. And finally, there is the erotic excitement about trying a new kink for the first time and exploring the many sensations and nuances they offer. Again, while I would not necessarily feel comfortable wearing a diaper to go out around town, to a club, or other public venue, at least now I know that I wouldn't be repulsed by the notion if a future girlfriend or significant other asked me to participate in this activity for our mutual satisfaction to some degree. Frankly, that to me was a total surprise -- I never, ever thought that I would find anything even remotely erotic about the act of wearing or wetting a diaper. Of course, going beyond this into an ABDL relationship isn't something I would feel comfortable doing or participating in any time soon, as that type of play (e.g., cribs, pacifiers, baby clothing, and other forms of 'babying') is not something that turns me on anyway. But if other people enjoy this play, by all means go for it!

[aldorax]

The value of erotic audio and/or 'erotic hypnosis'

For years, I have been interested in and followed several artists in the “erotic hypnosis” community – which although is called “hypnosis” more often than not is simply getting very relaxed and partaking in a “guided erotic journey.” For those who don't know, this can include sensual voices telling you what, where, and how to masturbate (eg tease-and-deny), what to wear and when, entire series devoted to inculcating a sissy/feminine/chastity/horny mindset to simply someone reading you an erotic story. Erotic hypnosis has been a topic of discussion here on Milovana for a while and I encourage you to visit those threads to learn more about it. When I first discovered this tool, I engaged in its guided masturbation stuff … and then panty-wearing, …. and then over time, to explore other fetishes including those I am writing about here. Such recordings (many of which are quite good and of high production quality) helped me understand and experiment with these various fetishes. In the case of diapers, a combination of erotic audios on that theme and simple water noises (babbling brooks, underwater bubbles, the sound of dripping, etc.) all were useful in making it easier for me to relax myself enough to grow more comfortable in or susceptible to wetting the diaper. Indeed, some of the diaper-wetting MP3s incorporate sound effects and binaural beats to better suggest to listeners what needs to be done.

Even outside of these explorations, EH is pretty awesome stuff to play with. :)

[aldorax]

Final thoughts

So why my writing this? Quite simply, it's a way of helping give back to the Milovana community by sharing some experiences, and supporting our community's purpose of exploring new kinks and fetishes. Both in terms of women's' clothing and diapers, to my surprise I found them highly erotic – at least as far as I was willing or able to go with them. However, would I say that I'm a cross-dresser or a diaper-wearing adult baby? Absolutely not! I've not embraced other feminine tendencies, nor do I find the idea of transforming myself completely into either a crossdressing person, “sissy” or baby erotic, exciting, or appealing. But along the way, I did find certain elements of those fields erotic and not as 'scary' as I thought.

I have come to understand some of the erotic natures of these 'new' kinks and my responses to them – and through that experimentation, expanded my fetish frontiers a bit more in ways that are interesting, erotic, and memorable. Having said all this, of course, my usual kinky interests remain alive and well with me – teasing denial, orgasm control, bondage, and related practices, etc. These experiments were my way of pushing the limits a bit more to both understand the nature of these fetishes and to see as I said above how I might react to them. In both cases, after 'ending' the 'scene' or experience, I did feel a sense of peace, which I chalk up to these serving as nice diversions from the normal rough-and-tumble cares of modern life for a while.

Am I looking for someone who shares these fetishes to come out of the woodwork to be a partner or girlfriend? Not necessarily, but if it happens, great. However, if these (or other of my) kinks need to be put away during my next relationship, I'm okay with it – and it wouldn't be the first time that's happened, either.

The bottom line is this: Kinks, fetishes, and what we find erotic are as diverse as we are -- which explains the ongoing importance for respectful tolerance, encouragement, and support within the kink community, and why I believe that Milovana is the correct place to relay these thoughts and observations.

May our community live on for many many years to come!

[jackstock]

interesting exploration. I definitely expanded my understanding after doing Decker's denial teases a while back.