I recently started dating a new girl. She is fun and we seem to be hitting it off great. I want to somehow talk to her about my “Milovana” side but cannot get over the fear of her reacting negatively. She seems to be open minded but our time together so far has been basically vanilla concerning sex so I cannot be sure of her kinkiness.
I have always hidden the extra kinky side of myself in all of my past relationships and don’t want to this time. I hate hiding this side of myself but feel compelled to do so. I always strip my true fantasies down to what seems normal and would be acceptable. Then pretend to be completely satisfied when a woman wears a naughty outfit for me, or something light like that, when I really want much more.
Of course I appreciate and enjoy a woman who tries to make me happy by wearing some sexy lingerie but I fantasize and deeply desire things like this which seem to remain fantasies in my mind.
Has anyone went through this sort of thing? How did you approach it? Did you just come right out and try to talk about it early in a relationship? How on earth would you bring up a talk about her taking a dominant role sometimes? Did it go well or did she freak out and hit the road?
Most women say they want to know what’s lurking inside a guys head. Do they really want to know? Almost all the women I have been with want to talk about fantasies but I always feel that there isn‘t a chance she's as infected with kink as me which leads me to tone everything way, way down. I do wonder if any of them were holding back like me? Sometimes I wonder if I have actually denied myself some great times by not being totally open and talking about this stuff. Is this a stupid hangup I have been carrying around this whole time? Do I just need to "man up" and go for it?
I just realized that I am seriously screwed up! Maybe I need a therapist! Ok, I definitely need a therapist but can this in anyway be construed as normal-ish behavior from a man? Well, it's probably almost normal for a man who secretly frequents Milovana. Right?
I had the same thoughts when I dated my first girlfriend a few years ago. I knew I had submissive fantasies, but I hadn't ever had a chance to play them out with anyone. So, I didn't feel confident enough to broach the subject. After we broke up, I decided I wanted to learn more about this side of myself. So, I maybe kind of jumped in the deep end and hired a professional dominatrix for a couple of sessions. It was expensive, but a lot of fun, and helped me learn about what I liked and didn't like and reaffirmed my submissive nature. With that knowledge I went to find play partners online via collarme. (The website is now out of commission, unfortunately.) Spread out over several years, I was able to find a few play partners. With each one, I learned more about my likes and dislikes as a submissive, and became confident in the fact that this submissive side of me was an integral part of who I was and that I would be remiss to go through life ignoring it. Adding a constraint to my dating pool may not have been the easiest thing to do - I'm not the type of guy who usually does really well with the ladies - but I eventually decided that I would only date someone who was interested in the type of kinky sex that I wanted. After all, you've only got one life (or so I believe), and it doesn't last all that long. If you don't go for what you want now, you'll never get it.
Unfortunately, my experiences end there. I've only recently made the decision to only date kinky women and haven't really dated anyone since. So, I can't tell you about how women react to being told you have kinky desires. I can tell you, though, how I've decided to handle myself if I ever found myself in a situation where I had recently started going out with someone with whom I had hit it off well, but whose kinkiness I was unsure of. (Plan A, though, is to try online dating and to be upfront in my profile about my desires - without getting into all the gory details - so hopefully all the people I'll be talking to from the get-go will be ok with them.) How you approach the subject may depend on your personality. Me, being logical and rational, would approach it logical and rationally. Sometime early-ish in dating hopefully before breaking up would turn from "bummer" into "heartbreak," I would tell my girlfriend that I really liked her, and so I wanted to share with her a side of myself that most people don't get to see, but is important to me. I'd then tell her about my submissive nature - again, no gory details - and ask her how she felt about it. I intend to be very understanding of the fact that she might not be interested in that sort of thing, and impress upon her that her lack of interest would not in any way offend me, but still be firm about the fact that it is important for me that I date someone who has similar interests. If she was interested, great! If not, I might be sad about it, but I would end the relationship and continue looking for someone with similar interests. This conversation can span more than one evening.
Again that's all conjecture. I can't say that I've had the balls to go through with it having never had the opportunity, but that is my current plan. I've decided I never want to get to the point where I'm in love with someone who's not kinky and have to choose between her and my sub side. My advice to you would be to figure out how important your "Milovana" side to you is and decide whether or not you're willing to go through life with a partner who doesn't share your interest. If you aren't, I'd say you don't really have a choice - you have to ask about it lest you risk solidifying a relationship that could be an incompatibility. If she's not interested, and you break up as a result it won't be as bad it won't be as bad though, because the breakup will have been a choice you made as part of your decision to seek a partner who can fulfill an important part of who you are as opposed to just something bad that happened to you because you expressed your feelings. (That doesn't necessarily make it less sad, just less regrettable.) If you are ok with your partner not being able to cater to your kinky side, well, I'd probably still advise you tell her about it, just being sure to let her know that it's not a deal breaker for you. Like you said, there's a chance that you could be having way more fun. The only scenario I can think of in which you would break up would be if she breaks up with you simply because you have kinky desires. I'm guessing, in the long run, you probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would break up with you simply for having kinky desires and be forced to tuck them away or hide them forever.
I don't think you're screwed up at all! Neither for having kinky desires or being worried about expressing them. A quick Google search should reveal that maybe around 1 in 20 or 1 in 10 people engage in some form of BDSM, so it's really not THAT uncommon. People can be irrational, and you may face rejection as a result of your desires, which is a completely normal thing to dread. The best answer I've found for myself is simply to do the best I can to know what I want, and then be upfront and honest about it. You can't control how people will react, but you can ground yourself and act in a manner consistent with what you know to be true.
Best of luck! I hope it all works out for the best!
TLDR: My advice, based on limited life experiences, is to first understand who you are and what you want, then be as upfront and honest as possible with the people you date so that you maximize your chances of finding what you want.
I don't think there are absolutes.
There's a real chance she isn't into your fetishes. There is a chance she would try it. And there's a chance she is totally into it. She might also find stuff degrading or weird if you two aren't already really trusting each other deeply, so I would make the relationship itself priority one for a while before bringing this stuff up.
I think a realistic cause of action would be to watch or read porn together. That's a nice way to talk about stuff off the cuff, like "Hm, that seems fun!" or "I would NEVER do that", without committing to anything. Another way might be to ask her to talk about her fantasies and assure her you'll try them. I'm guessing you're really open minded when it comes to fetishes, so I don't think you'd have anything to lose.
It's fantasy versus reality. In my experience, if you aim too high with your fantasies, reality will never be able to measure up. And for me, love and companionship are way more important than fetish fulfillment, but everyone is different that way.
Once you two are comfortable being intimate, ask her. In my experience, ask if she'd like to be tied up for a little bit, and then let it progress from there. If she enjoys it, keep doing it. If you're lucky, she'll ask to tie you up and... you can play it by ear. Take it slow, and ease her into it.
That "50 Shades of Gray" movie trailer is out, you could make sure you both see it before you watch a movie, and then you have a reason to bring up the subject, like for example, "What do you think of that" ? or maybe, "Does that look good to you" ? and then you will be in a position to feel out her thoughts on the subject.
I built a website that is less aggressive(?) than Milovana and caters more to the women's sensibilities. I have heard from a handful of folks that have found it and, so far, all have had good success.
Of the folks that shared their experiences with me (and I love to hear how things go and have tweaked the site based on the experiences), two had initial concerned reaction, but both of these, through honesty, respect and communication, were able to come out the other side with a much stronger, and more sexual, relationship.
Well, it's probably almost normal for a man who secretly frequents Milovana. Right? 
