Alone Again...

[Madden]

Alone Again...

I had a feeling that it was coming, but hoped that I was wrong. Friday reality came home to roost, and on Saturday morning I typed one of the hardest messages I've ever written.

For the last month or so, I had a feeling that the relationship I was in was no longer working, Mistress had become too busy. Her already infrequent messages had gotten fewer. She no longer answered my questions, and her fortune cookie like replies had gotten even shorter. It came to a head on Friday, when a question went unanswered. In one of the most pathetic examples of addiction ever, I must have checked my email every 10 minutes, looking for a message that never came.

I laid awake most of the night trying to decide what to do, and how to write a farewell and thank you letter to someone that had embraced me when I was at my lowest point ever. Through weeks of encouragement and motivation She slowly helped to make me almost whole again. I realized that it would be selfish of me to continue to ask for something that She no longer had the time to give.

Saturday morning I sat at the computer for over an hour. Tears streamed from my eyes as I wrote to Her, about how it had become clear to me that She was now too busy, and that what little free time She had would be better spent on Herself, or someone more deserving of Her time. I sobbed openly as I hit the send button.

Going out for lunch and to the grocery store after that was misery. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down. I made it through, and suffered all night and most of the next day. Sunday in the early evening I received a message from her. It said “Thank you”.

I shuddered with emotion as tears streamed down my face. Four months of orgasm control, erection denial. Four months of drinking 8 oz of water every hour and having to wait for 3 hours and 7 minutes between bathroom uses. Four months of twice a day reports in which I bared my soul, sharing my thoughts, fantasies, and fears ends with the simple phrase “Thank you”.

This is the second time I've been through this in 6 months. I swore after the first time, that I would not allow myself to become attached. I was wrong. She touched me deep inside. She established routine and rituals in my life. In exchange for this I gave a small piece of my heart and soul to Her. There is now a hole in my heart big enough to drive a truck through, and an empty spot where someone has carved their name in my soul, taking the shavings with them when they left.

I'm sure in time I'll feel better, but right now I'm not sure I want to. At times like this I wish they made orange juice flavored margarita mix because “Tequila... It's not just for breakfast anymore.”

Madden

[Protein]

Sad story

[SexualChoc]

I am sorry for your loss...

hopefully you will see some things turn around..
but
until then know you are worthy, important and deserving of love.

[DellaRoss]

*hugs Madden* I am so sorry this happened. If you need to talk, my inbox is always open to you. I might not be able to make it go away like drinking can but I can be an ear if you need one.

[AliceInBondageLand]

That sounds very intense. Maintaining a sense of connection over email can be difficult when real life interferes (I scared my ex when a disaster knocked me offline for a week), but that sounds like a pattern of not getting your needs met.

Good job taking care of yourself and setting the boundaries that you needed.

[Madden]

Thanks everyone, even though I could feel it coming, it still hurt to have to end it. I was walking today and had a funny thought. This is the second time in 6 months that I've lost a Mistress.

The first was into Financial Domination way too much for me, and we were just not compatible. That lesson cost me $800 to find out.

The second was into being productive, and insisted that I join the Amazon Mturk program and spend as much time as possible earning money so that I could buy the "toys" that She felt I needed. I was productive enough that I still have over $200 in my Mturk account.

At least I'm heading in the right direction

I'll get over it eventually. And won't be looking for any more submissive relationships in my life for a long time. They just hurt too bad when they end

Madden

[green]

And won't be looking for any more submissive relationships in my life for a long time. They just hurt too bad when they end

You've got to act more in real life. Online Mistresses, Virtual Contacts... People who can just click you away.
It's so easy to connect to.

But in my experience - not worth the time.

Instead make the effort, go out there and meet "real" people :). Work on yourself and create a reality where you can be happy. And also work on your relationship with yourself. You should never depend on other people. Especially not emotionally.

Good luck :)

[Lord of Goon]

And won't be looking for any more submissive relationships in my life for a long time. They just hurt too bad when they end

You've got to act more in real life. Online Mistresses, Virtual Contacts... People who can just click you away.
It's so easy to connect to.

But in my experience - not worth the time.

Instead make the effort, go out there and meet "real" people :). Work on yourself and create a reality where you can be happy. And also work on your relationship with yourself. You should never depend on other people. Especially not emotionally.

Good luck :)

Great advice. Get away from the computer screen. And interact with real life. It's so much more rewarding.