Is this normal?

[themaverick]

Hi Everybody,

I've been a lurker on this site for a while. Was just wondering if this was normal:

I have noticed that as I get more responsibility, power, stress as a part of my job I get more into Femdom fantasies. To give you a brief history, when I met my wife a while back, I was in a low-responsibility, low-stress job. At the time I was completely vanilla. A kinky thought had barely crossed my mind. Then I had my big career break and suddenly I was in charge of large projects and managing lots of people. To be honest, I have always been a leader in terms of my personality so leading is not something I get particularly stressed about and it doesn't feel strange to me. However, it was around then that I began getting Femdom fantasies and I started masturbating to that kind of porn when my wife wasn't around. I was kind of embarrassed about it. Anyway my wife noticed something was wrong and when I was drunk one night I asked her if she could take control, like a dominatrix. My wife tried but she is really submissive (which is probably why she was attracted to me in the first place) and I could tell she didn't enjoy it so I suppressed those tendencies.

Soon after this I branched out on my own and was doing consultancy work. This was really easy work, with little responsibility and I only had one employee, my PA. During this time I went back to not having Femdom fantasies and was happily having vanilla sex with my wife again. However, now I am back running a company and this has coincided with my fantasies coming back again. Is this normal? Does responsibility outside the bedroom make you crave Femdom fantasies in the bedroom?

I would not ask, only I know this makes my wife unhappy and I know that she can't give me those fantasies which leaves me frustrated. I don't want to go to a professional dominatrix because I would feel like I was being unfaithful to my wife. I don't even like using Milovana or femdom porn because it makes me feel horrible due to my wife's attitude towards it.

Not sure what to do about it so thought I would ask everyone here for their thoughts and opinions as you seem very open-minded and thoughtful people.

Thanks in advance,

themaverick

[EasilyStopped]

This makes sense. A lot of professional dommes note that many of their clients are people with a lot of control and authority. It's been noted that some people want to engage in submission so that they can "let go" of the stress of control in their daily life.

[Venus]

I think only some kind of psychologist could answer your question if this behavior is normal or not.
However, does the answer to this question solve your problem? I don't think so.

At the moment I see two solutions: 1. Talk to your wife, maybe you can find a solution together. 2. Step back at your job and do something without responsibility etc.

I don't think that it is healthy to suppress your desires in the long-term.

[skrote]

Everyone is different so who is to say.

Personally, I have always had the "kink" in me. I grew up in a very violent household where I was the youngest of 3 siblings, so I saw more than I experienced.

My therapist said that it is common to romanticize a traumatic experience. I guess like a defense to PTSD or something. Hence why I find pleasure in pain.

That being said, I can also say that when I worked corporate under high stress my kink desire was on over drive. I think that being tied up and submitting was the ultimate release of stress. Though my wife is more interested in the Tease and Denial component of BDSM, she has always been supportive of that need.

For me, when I came out of the closet with her, I was just honest and it went from there. Mind you she is European and a bit more open minded than a stereotypical American who has the puritan influence.

We had a very long courtship (8 years) and it was also a long distance relationship. If she had not been receptive to kink, we probably would not still be together. The fact that you married, and then the kink started creates a dynamic that I can't speak to.

That being said, if tomorrow she was 0% receptive of having any kink, we would have to reevaluate our relationship. but that situation is different too.

Bottom line, if it frustrates you, you need to find an outlet for it, or change the situation otherwise the relationship will suffer. Try writing some erotic stories. I would write out my fantasies in the way of stores and let my wife (then girl friend) read them.

I truly hope it works out for you.

[dubble]

Who is to say what is 'normal' nowadays?

What you are going through is common. Yes, many of us want a healthy balance in life, even subconsciously, so your tendency to privately lean toward submissiveness when you are more in charge at work is along the lines of 'normal'. These secret, private desires to submit tend to make us better & stronger men in our vanilla lives & at work. Embrace it.
Tell your wife your feelings or have her read this thread. Most loving/caring women will understand. Maybe she will go with you to a pro domme so she can learn techniques or participate in the two of you being dominated. You may just unleash the inner domme in her. Who knows? If she is naturally submissive, maybe she secretly craves some control/power to help keep her balanced.

[SexualChoc]

first when life is chaotic or stressful we seek something that balances.

second sexual tastes change sometimes.. the extremely few studies of guys into denial find the average age is 40 for those who like denial

now I am married and deeply into denial myself (as well as being a dom)
it took me 5 years of slow careful work to be open with my wife about my kinks
and have her participate to some degree.

now the part that is 100% my opinion.. and NOT professional counseling...
this idea does not work for everyone.. but I have found it can work..sometimes..
with the other married men I talk to.

Act like you are a subby!
does your wife want you to clean up the kitchen.. do it!
help out with groceries...
feel free to throw her off and say thank you love.. when you do something for her that you normally don't do

now bedroom : please her orally as much as possible! (what she wants)
most loving ladies will try to please you as well.. before you cum say,.. honey.. can you make me wait?
she may look at you oddly.. but.. it may work!
try this idea occasionally .. do not "push" her into it..
it may take a while (took me 5 years!)
others have reported success in 1 year.. so patience is the key
and good communication.