http://www.milovana.com/webteases/showt ... p?id=11586
Tell me what you think or if you can help improve the text and make it more detailed.
FB: Punished by the head girl
FB: Punished by the head girl
Last edited by chyooster on Wed Apr 20, 2011 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: FB: Punished by the head girl
I'm not sure making it longer would help. But you could pay more attention to continuity. For example, at one point she tells you to take off her shoes and her stockings and to suck her toes. But then in the following pictures, she still has her stockings and shoes on.chyooster wrote:http://www.milovana.com/webteases/showt ... p?id=11586
Tell me what you think or if you can help improve the text and make it longer.
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micheleFFS
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Re: FB: Punished by the head girl
Hi.
I liked your tease, gave it a 4.
I'm a writer/editor. Your writing is fine in that area.
I agree about the consistency.
I'm not sure it needs more details as a story would have - the one-sided dialog works, IMHO.
What would have made it a 5 for me would have been a bit of cruelty. This was a punishment? A spanking until the first time he said he couldn't take it? Then licking pussy and getting his cock ridden? That's a complete reward! I'd love to have that happen to me.
Every time he gets close to cumming, have the girls spank him, ass and cock, until he's soft, then bring him back up, use him for orgasms, repeat for each girl. When done in real life, this turns an arrogant or creepy male into quivering jelly.
Do take the pictures, telling him it's just what he deserves for peeping.
Thanks for writing and publishing the tease.
I liked your tease, gave it a 4.
I'm a writer/editor. Your writing is fine in that area.
I agree about the consistency.
I'm not sure it needs more details as a story would have - the one-sided dialog works, IMHO.
What would have made it a 5 for me would have been a bit of cruelty. This was a punishment? A spanking until the first time he said he couldn't take it? Then licking pussy and getting his cock ridden? That's a complete reward! I'd love to have that happen to me.
Every time he gets close to cumming, have the girls spank him, ass and cock, until he's soft, then bring him back up, use him for orgasms, repeat for each girl. When done in real life, this turns an arrogant or creepy male into quivering jelly.
Do take the pictures, telling him it's just what he deserves for peeping.
Thanks for writing and publishing the tease.