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[les]

A GOOD LESSON ON AUSTRALIAN FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, a South African, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman ,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The S.African woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian
woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'.....

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[les]

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.


The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar*eholes in London.

[les]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[les]

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her

sweetness and kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor

Came to call on her and she

showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

seat while she prepared tea.




As he sat facing her old

Hammond organ, the young

minister noticed a cute glass

bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated, of all

things, a condom!




When she returned with tea and

scones, they began to chat.




The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its

strange floater, but soon it got

the better of him and he could

no longer resist.




'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder

if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.




'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it

wonderful? I was walking through

the park a few months ago

and I found this little package on

the ground. The directions said

to place it on the organ, keep

it wet, and that it would prevent

the spread of disease. Do you

know I haven't had the

flu all winter'

[les]

Scouse vasectomy



After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,

as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.



The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.



A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.



The Scouser said to the doctor,

'I may not be the smartest guy in the world,

'but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'



'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused,



Placed the beer can between his legs.



So he could continue counting on his other hand.







This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , parts of Bradford, Wales

and anywhere in Ireland.



I understand that it is now being trialled by Medicare.

[les]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Nebraska asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'


les

[les]

Just received in an email, had to share it;-

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: ' Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene? '

A: ' No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away. '

Q: ' Officer -- who provided this description? '

A: ' The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: ' A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? '

A: ' Yes, sir. With my life. '

Q: ' With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? '

A: ' Yes sir, we do! '

Q: ' And do you have a locker in the room? '

A: ' Yes, sir, ... I do '

Q: ' And, do you have a lock on your locker? '

A: ' Yes, sir. '

Q: ' Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers? '

A: ' You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year 's Best Comeback ' line -- and we think he'll win.

[shell]

*sits in the background...giggling at this and that*

[les]

Subject: Elton's baby

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.

They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

[les]

                        FORGET NOT THIS 11TH COMMANDMENT





In honour of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.


       Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:



              "Thou Shall Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

[les]

THE Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. An article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we' ll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

Spoiler: show

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

[les]

If you are over 45 yrs. old you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


                     1. _ _NDOM

                     2. F_ _K

                     3. P_N_S

                     4. PU_S_

                     5. S_X

                     6. BOO_S

Spoiler: show

Answers:

                    1. RANDOM

                    2. FORK

                    3. PANTS

                    4. PULSE

                    5. SIX

                    6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert!!

[les]

Chinese bloke gets eel lodged up todger



Anguilline exfoliation treatment ends in 'severe pain'



A Chinese man who slid into a spa tub full of eels to enjoy some rejuvenating piscine exfoliation ended up in hospital with one of the slippery customers lodged firmly up his todger.

Zhang Nan, of Honghu, Hubei Province, recounted: "I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis. I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis."

Cue a three-hour intervention by doctors, who eventually extracted the 15cm-long eel from the 56-year-old's bladder, where it had unsurprisingly, and mercifully, already departed for anguilline heaven.

For the benefit of those of you who are currently sitting crossed-legged and wondering just how a six-inch eel can work its way up your spam javelin, surgeon Jin Wang elaborated: "The diameter of the urethra in a man's penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly."

Practical Fishkeeping helpfully notes that the creature in question was an Asian swamp eel (Monopterus albus), according to "a quick examination of the photograph of the offending fish".*

The report adds that it's a good job this species is "is free of spines", unlike the fearsome candiru. This catfish legendarily stalks the waters of the Amazon and Orinoco rivers waiting for someone to unwisely take a leak, at which point it nips up the stream of urine and wedges itself inside their urethra by means of backward-facing spines on its gill covers.

The evidence for such attacks is purely anecdotal, but when I was in the Amazon some years back just the idea of the penis-penetrating devil fish was enough to convince me to keep it zipped up when in close proximity to the mighty watercourse. ®
Bootnote

*Sadly, said picture is not forthcoming, so we're braced for the traditional reader calls for "Playmobil or it didn't happen".


http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/09/19/eel_incident/

[Snot]

Note to self: Never take an eel bath.

[les]

                                       Once upon a time,
A Prince asked a beautiful Princess,

             "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said,

              "No!!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted tarts and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and  Rum  and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fucking cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

                                       The end