Make us Smile text based

[Human]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfGyLU9Cb3s

[CheerfullyInsane]

And we're not quite finished with Fox News yet....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLkOddgjYuY

Beware the brownie

[Human]

WTH, this thread was just bumped, but there are no new posts in it....what did you lost lesub?

[les]

WTH, this thread was just bumped, but there are no new posts in it....what did you lost lesub?

Sorry guys got in a mucking fuddle


les

[les]

SMARTASS ANSWERS 2010
The last one is a worthy winner.


6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.









5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'










4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'










3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.










2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'










SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.


Les

[les]

Topical(ish)



It was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said,













"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"




les

[dr.d]

with the budget cuts and every thing else that is going on every one hated work. stan desided to try to make things better. since stan did not know any jokes he went online to look for one . when he found a list of the ten best puns in the world he said " thats it , one of these has got to make some one laugh " but no pun in ten did

[les]

It can't be only England

Can it?

This letter is a thing of great beauty
(even if the language is a bit strong)...
You definitely feel the guy's pain!



Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back
in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for
the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those
stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable
census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I
die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an'
me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my fucking address !!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please
tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in
the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd
want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy
city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of
£30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd
rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our
heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's
really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me
to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ........
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !

Sincerely,






les

[les]

Irishman Joke!!!


Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just

give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!


les

[les]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly,

Sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman’s husband also comes home unexpectedly,

She tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, “Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,

Let alone from a little boy says,

“Yes, it is.”

Boy - “I have a football.”

Man - “That’s nice.”

Boy - “Want to buy it?”

Man - “No, thanks.”

Boy - “My dad’s outside.”

Man - “OK, how much?”

Boy - “£200”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - “Dark in here.”

Man - “Yes, it is.”

Boy - “I have football boots.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

“OK How much this time?”

Boy - “400”

Man - “Sold.”

A few days later, the boys” father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.”
The father asks,

“How much did you sell them for and to whom?”

The boy says, “To a friend of mine for a £600..”

The father says,

“That’s a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that”. “That’s four times what they cost when they were new,

I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here”..

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again you little sod, you’re

in my cupboard now”!!

[les]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first daughter sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.The card said nothing but 'Nescafe'. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop.' Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second daughter sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read: 'Benson & Hedges'. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges package 'Extra Long. King Size'. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third daughter left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week.......... Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'BWIA'. Mom took out her latest Guardian magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BWIA. The ad said: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' Mom fainted.

[les]

You`ll like this one!




Queen Elizabeth II and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts


God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.


The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.



les

[les]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[les]

Subject: Fw: House Sitting


A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having heard the problem, the vet said: "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just did for me" he replied.

[les]

The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."