Best friends (ex-)girlfriend ...

[Tobias23]

Hello dear community,

I have a problem, and I thought maybe some thoughts from others on the situation might help me to decide what to do. It doesn't have something to do with T&D, but I've been a member of milo for quite a while, and what i learnt over the years is that most people here are kind and helpful, even with outside problems. So I'll give it a shot.

My Situation starts out a bit typical, I started to develop strong very strong feelings for the girlfriend of my best friend. And we all know the unspoken rules, not to date her, but ...

Here it gets a bit different, he is together with her over a year now, but always complaining about her, and is planning to break up with her, as soon as he has paid of his depts. Depts .. yeah ... he is living with her, she is paying for rent and everything, while his loan is used to pay off his depts, he made some big mistakes. He already cheated on her with younger girls, and practically he stays with her basically because of the money.

He sanctifies this by saying: "We are happy right now, and we need each other, but we both know it's only going to be a phase in our lives, and in a year a so we move on." I thought this to be a bit unnormal, but hey if she was okay with it, and both were happy why not. But I didn't get to meet her until a month ago, he never brought her along when we went out or did something as friends. "mens night out" so to say.

Well a month ago I needed a place to crash for a few days, and that was the first time i shared more than a quick hello and goodbye with his girlfriend. So i got to know her, and we started talking alot. He is a cook and works in the evening, so we spent the evening talking, and I got to know her and her side of the story.

Short story she is very unhappy in this relationship, and thinks that he cheats on her (which he does, she doesn't know, but i do, but I haven't told), but he promised to be with her forever, and she really wants a lasting relationship, not just some fuck. And she thought about breaking up with him, because he gets more and more distant, and she ask me if he had some problems and if i knew something and so on ...

So I got to know her, and kept my secret, and over the last few weeks we got closer and closer and are close friends now. Now I'm really pissed on how my best friend treats her, and she is so smart and beautiful, and i have strong feelings for her, I feel like she could be 'the one'. And I feel that she does feel the same way, a smile, a gengle touch of my hand, the little things you notice.

But there is the friendship with my best friend and ...
I want to get out of this situation with her in my hands and him still being my friend ...

What should i do?

please help ...

tobias

[addi]

let me put this simple, might sound a bit harsh, but here goes:

1.) One of them has to go. (as in: leave your life)
2.) Do you really want to be friends with a guy that does that kind of stuff to his girlfriend? I mean, she's not just some thing. She's a human being.
3.) hmm, actually no third point there...

[someone43]

You have been getting closer and closer because you like her.
Stay out of it and let the relationship end on its own, unless you don't mind losing your best friend.

When the time is right, you can always engineer with your best friend that you could make the breakup easier by providing yourself as a distraction. At that point, he'll know you are going to be hitting on her and will want you to so, so he doesn't have to breakup with her and be the bad guy. He can end it with her saying that he knows that she'll be happier with you. You'll have to keep this as a secret for the rest of your relationship with her, but many working happy relationships are built are worse lies.

[EternalLust]

I am just recovering from a bit similar situation, and I can tell u that, unless he really doesn't care, you have a real delemma here.

I'll start with my story to get to conclusion: I got very close with a school mate and w became really close freinds sharing secrets and so one (some people would call it best freinds). He was hiting a girl that we both know and liked (well in my case i told him that i liked her before he got with her, and told him I have no problem that he gets her, because it wasn't the right time for me and he was already getting close to her), and I even helped him earning her heart, and explaining her behaviors.
Several months later, and having went out together (me and that as a couple) several times in the summer I became closer to her and one day she called me because she was depressed and spent hours on the phone, and than I began seeing her (as a friend) because she had issues with her boyfriend. A deep trust settled between us and I discovered that she's the person that I understand the most on earth, and that I was always finding that she was right. At the beginning he used to know that she talks to me. But than he started getting jalous, and I didn't what to hit on her because it was the first time i had a close male friend (I am usually rejective toward other men).

Well after months of this dilemma I had to make a choise at pretty much lost his friendship and won her friendship.
And for whom who are curious , she avoid physical contact with me because she doesn't what to lose me as a friend (she thinks that after dating no more friendship). but I dop not regret it because I won a better freindship. And even when I could have restored my friendship with him I didn't do it because I discovered that he has feeling for ME and I am 100% staight. It is a really twisted unbeleivable story (I just talked about what concerns this issue )

Conclusion: you might have to choose, and being angry with his behavior is halping you choose her. But make sure that if you choose her she'll be a better frien that him, and that you choose with your head not your dick, because sex fades out and friendship stays. And one more option is if he is absolutly not jalous any more and have no problem you havins sex with her, but here gets the problem of what telling her, as she will surely not stay with him.

choose WISELY and (well this is an advice I avoid giving because it doesn't work this everyone, so if you trust your hurt) follow your heart

[Lady X]

I have to say I agree with addi here.....it's basic and to the point, with number two being so the the point. *smile*

Good luck.

[CheerfullyInsane]

let me put this simple, might sound a bit harsh, but here goes:

1.) One of them has to go. (as in: leave your life)
2.) Do you really want to be friends with a guy that does that kind of stuff to his girlfriend? I mean, she's not just some thing. She's a human being.

I'd agree on point one. Point two however.....
Bit of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Since he's a person too, and not just some thing, you could also ask "Do you really want to be a person that steals his friends partner?"
That's the problem with life, there are no moral absolutes.

Presumably the friend in question has other sides to him, otherwise why have the wish to continue the friendship. Just because you disagree on one thing, doesn't mean you oust the person in question.
If that were the case, I'd have to alienate practically everyone I know.

But from where I'm sitting, there's only one solution. You wait.
If things are as rotten as they seem, she'll leave him soon enough.
If not, them's the breaks.

CheerfullyInsane

[Tobias23]

Thank you guys, as always I needed time to think ..

Of course he is not a total jackass, he treats her well except for the lying and cheating. It's so difficult.

So I'll wait ... patiently ... my heart in pain.

[les]

Thank you guys, as always I needed time to think ..

Of course he is not a total jackass, he treats her well except for the lying and cheating. It's so difficult.

So I'll wait ... patiently ... my heart in pain.

keep the faith
les

[janmb]

Don't pass up on a good thing - ever. If that means losing a good friend, which based on your description doesn't deserve your friendship in the first place - so be it.

If you absolutely want to keep both tho, as others have already pointed out, you definitely need to let their relationship end first. That does of course not mean you can't talk to her about it to facilitate it happening faster though

[brian]

Thank you guys, as always I needed time to think ..

Of course he is not a total jackass, he treats her well except for the lying and cheating. It's so difficult.

So I'll wait ... patiently ... my heart in pain.

sorry mate...but LOL

[Tobias23]

Why lol @brian?


... well update:

They broke up yesterday.
A week ago i thought that is what I wanted but now ... he slept over at my place and kept bitching about her all night, and how he never wanted to see her again.

Give me a break ... ;(

It seems I can't get together with her without making him angry, I couldn't do it when they were together and apperently I can't now that they are broken up.

How can I tell him "I fell in love with your ex and I want to be with her forever"
And when do I tell her "I love you" ... how much time should pass and ...

gosh so complicated ....

[byzantine]

Good god, grow a pair already and go for the girl!
(If your best friend gets jealous over the girl he was treating like crap and was cheating on he´s not worth being your friend anyway!)

[Tobias23]

Good god, grow a pair already and go for the girl!

Thanks I needed to hear that ... and that kick.

So I went for it ...

She doesn't want to dive into a new relationship ... right now.
She doesn't want to loose me as a friend ...

But now it's all weird.
It feels like the proposal of a relationship killed a friendship that grew the past few weeks with her.

;-(

[Handcuffed]

Give it some time, and hopefully it'll work out for you.

[les]

Now all you have to do is be there.

les