plz help me need advice

[sinvore]

me and my wife found each other online i am a sub she is a Dom it was 10 years ago now we have a child and much has changed she is my Dom and will always be but i can't even were my collar any more we don't want our child to be warped or anything all i wish for is to be on my knees at her feet worshiping her but that never happens she works a full time job i go to school and am unemployed i cant find a job and we fight alot i am trying to change things i do most of the cooking and cleaning and take care of our child as my wife works night stress is high and we spend little time together and even less time alone we don't have much sex mostly my fault we have talked about a chastity device for me in the past and did not do it then 6 years ago i think now i am thinking of getting The Houdini Chastity Tube but i don't want to Top the Dom. witch i think i might be doing I need some advice i want my Mistress back not just my dom plz help me.

[pete_ger]

Without reading it to the end, here is my advice:
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[masterstroke]

I'm not a marriage counselor nor do I play one on TV. However, since you asked, here goes. What is the source of the stress? Is it simply being unemployed or your wife's perception that you're not carrying a fair share of the load? In a successful marriage, there are roles and most of the time they are not equal.

You state you are in school. Are you going to school simply to fill the time or will the schooling improve your economic situation down the road? You don't say how old your child is. Marriage and children change life. Is there a time when you and your wife could schedule some time together? Did you marry your wife to have a Dom or a wife? Although many people will probably disagree, they're not always synonymous. Those are some of the questions you'll have to answer.

[sinvore]

ok so let me clear some of this up

What is the source of the stress? Is it simply being unemployed or your wife's perception that you're not carrying a fair share of the load?

Yes I have been looking for work for months.

Are you going to school simply to fill the time or will the schooling improve your economic situation down the road?

I am going for computer programing

You don't say how old your child is.

1 1/2 years

Is there a time when you and your wife could schedule some time together?

we are working on that

Did you marry your wife to have a Dom or a wife?

Both we meet as Mistress and slave and marred as Mistress and slave.

and i am thinking of getting the chastity tube as a gift and giving her the key with a note on a date night. my hope is that this will add a little fire back in our life . for some time now i have been masturbating once or twice a day and it is one of our long standing rules i am not aloud to do that ever sence our child was born we have little time for sex.

[wonderbo]

Just my 2 cents:

Presenting her with a chastity device is not going to improve your situation. It sounds like she thinks you are being lazy. I can't say whether you are or not...the important thing is that she thinks you are. It could be that she feels entitled to a little extra effort from you since you're playing the sub and she's the Dom. Maybe you just need to find a job; this could mean lowering your requirements for the type of job you'll take. Either way, you'll never know unless you have that conversation with her. Ni would recommend working out whatever has caused her to withhold sex from you before trying to bring up the chastity device idea.

[sinvore]

Just my 2 cents:

Maybe you just need to find a job; this could mean lowering your requirements for the type of job you'll take. Either way, you'll never know unless you have that conversation with her. Ni would recommend working out whatever has caused her to withhold sex from you before trying to bring up the chastity device idea.

I have lowered my requirements i will take any job at all all those jobs Obama says Americans won't do is crap I'll do it unemployment here is 14% and if we leave the state i can't pay for collage .

As for sex she is not withholding her sex drive is stronger than mine she needs 3 times as much sex as i do we just don't have much time to have sex. I would love to be on my knees all day worshiping her if we had the time.

[masterstroke]

Perhaps instead of getting a chastity device you should give yourself to her. How about giving her a foot massage or a regular massage? How about cooking her favorite meal? How about a sex toy for her?
Just a couple of suggestions.

[Lindsey]

I'm probably going to tell you some things you may not want to hear, but i've always been a believer in brutal honesty.

For a moment, you need to set aside your sexual needs and desires. There are 2 reasons for that. First; it sounds to me like you have more deep rooted issues in the relationship right now that need to be dealt with before your make sex your primary concern. And second; although this may be tough to hear, having a child is a drastic change in *any* relationship. The two of you made a decision to become responsible for another human life together. That means that you will have to compromise, a lot.

The well-being and proper upbringing of your child comes first, along with anything that needs to be done to ensure that. A healthy relationship between you two is absolutely part of that, but ask yourself if having a BDSM lifestyle is in the agenda in a household where you are raising a child. You can most certainly have a healthy relationship without your wife being your Mistress, and you can most certainly have a healthy sex life without out it as well. Over the past 10 years, you've been going through a lot of classical conditioning that has reinforced what it is that you're craving right now. Setting it aside (maybe not completely, but putting other aspects of your life before it) isn't an easy thing to do. But IMO it's the responsible thing, and the compassionate thing to do right now.

If I were in your wife's position, it would mean a lot to me if you sat down and talked with me to make me understand that you're prepared to make compromises to make things work while raising a child, and that you want to put things out in the open so I feel comfortable telling you when I need some weight taken off my shoulders. Taking on some of the household duties is a very good thing. But as with anything, attitude is everything. If you're secretly depressed because you're not satisfied sexually, that will continue to build up until it affects the relationship as a whole. The quicker you come to terms with the idea of compromising your sex life in order to concentrate on what sort of lifestyle is appropriate to raise a child in, the quicker your head will start adjusting to you getting turned on by the things that *are* ok for you to do with her now, as opposed to staying fixated on things that may not be anymore.

Don't be sad that you have to give up certain things you've experienced. Be happy that those things have made your bond with her strong enough to take your relationship down a new road where the 2 of you take what you've learned from each other and use it to raise a child that will be as proud of your selfless compassion as you will be with their ability to recognize it when the time comes.


My suggestion is not to surprise her with any new sexual endeavors right now. Stress kills sex, and you don't want to add to that by making her feel pressured to please you. Sex between the two of you right now needs to be low maintenance, and a source of relief and relaxation. I'm sure there will be things you both agree are fine to continue doing. But be sure you're not letting your sexual desires get in the way of your relationship or your child.

Hope that helps. And I hope I don't come off as condescending. Best of luck with it all.

-L

[sinvore]

Lindsey I was thinking of a chastity device as a way to keep our sub and dom roles going as it can be hidden from the world and our child I mean it to make things easier for her but i do agree with most of what you have said and how could someone trying to help me be condescending thanks for helping

[darkstar]

Just my 2 cents:

Presenting her with a chastity device is not going to improve your situation. It sounds like she thinks you are being lazy. I can't say whether you are or not...the important thing is that she thinks you are. It could be that she feels entitled to a little extra effort from you since you're playing the sub and she's the Dom. Maybe you just need to find a job; this could mean lowering your requirements for the type of job you'll take. Either way, you'll never know unless you have that conversation with her. Ni would recommend working out whatever has caused her to withhold sex from you before trying to bring up the chastity device idea.

fuck off

i am unable to work because of medical issues and also a lack of work in my field ( oh yes ima time served and grad mechanical engineer) and i will say now its not lazy to be out of work.

it just fucking depressing. to appply and apply and apply and get nowhere drags you down. it gets to a medical level of ileness

i had a relastionship die because of it. not because i didnt want to work but because i jsut could not GET work and the resulting aspects which the become self reinforcing.


this goesbeyond the "lifestlye" you dom need to sit and talk to the miossus and say how you feel. with no fet baggage. its more a case of lookm i love you but XXXXXXX and i just want to talkj/.get help/ whatever is rigjht for you.

to the op
if you want to chat to clear you head drop me a PM as i do know some of what you are going through and how shit it can be.

[masterstroke]

This economy has everyone depressed. Even if you're employed you're probably miserable and looking over your shoulder wondering if you're next. Your company has probably implemented a zero defects mentality your workload has probably increased, and you're work is being more scrutinized. If not, your supervisors are making it more miserable for workers. Yes, you have income but the stress will take toll on your body and mind. All you can do is prepare yourself mentally and financially to minimize the impact of being unemployed.

One of my friends is unemployed, two are underemployed. A third owns his own business and is struggling to keep his business afloat.

I was unemployed for a while in the early 1990's and it sucked.

[rbtheservant]

Stress sucks and will take the life out of you. Life, really is just one big kick in the ass! I really can't add too much new to what has been said, but one thing that is bothering me is the statement we don't want our child to be warped or anything ???????? Please do not fall into the bullshit that B&D S&M D/s is a "WARPED" lifestyle. That is some crap label that prudes use to make you feel bad about yourself. If it is fun, you enjoy it, and nobody is getting hurt, then what is wrong with it? Don't brainwash your child to thinking that anything but vanilla sex is unexceptable. Life is short, enjoy it!

[sinvore]

Thank you all for trying to help me

[Timshel]

Not exactly on point, but as to finding work... May I suggest the old fashioned approach? The current job I have, I got thru an old fashioned Resume/Cover letter *mailing*.

I found a list of machine shops in my area (I'm a Machinist), I organized the list and sent out good ole fashioned Hard Copy... Got a couple interviews from it, and ended up landing this job. It does still work..


as for other advice, I think it just comes down to Communicaion. It sounds like you and your Mistress need to have some, and some where your free to say what you need to.

[les]

Try this

Read this post.
http://www.milovana.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=3069

Get a friend/relation to babysit,
Better yet to have your son/daughter overnight.

Take your wife on a date.
Go midweek if money is an issue.
My favourite four letter "F Word" is FREE.
Do something you both thoroughly enjoyed when you were courting.

Now for day to day.
Do you greet her with a kiss and a squeeze when she gets home?
Do you tell her you love her.
Get those "Puppy Dog Eyes" going

Does your wife put the little one to bed?

As you are a house husband
You should prepare the evening meal while she does this and unwinds from her day.
After this you can spend time to do things together.

I record every programme that wants to watched so the timing of a programme does not interrupt the flow of the evening (Plus you can speed through the adverts).

Pamper her.
You do not need to be in full costume but you will have a few hours together.

Please please do not attempt to "top from below",
this may be part of your problem.

You now have a Mum, a Wife and a Mistress.
All three have vastly different needs.

You are a Father, a husband and a Slave.
All three again have different codes of conduct.

You both need to recognise these persona,
And be able to adapt accordingly.

Suggest you wife has a "Keyword" for when she becomes "Mistress".
It could be as simple as "Slave".
You have no choice in the matter.
Never ever call her Mistress out of turn.

Everything must be done with love and understanding.
Talk do not let little things fester until they explode.

Read this post.
http://www.milovana.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=3069
The repeat is deliberate.

Good luck.
Les