Wife found my porn

[wonderbo]

@Human - Thanks!

So, here's my situation update...

No sex last night, did not sleep very well. I have not looked at porn. I did think about it quite a bit yesterday, today seems a little better though.

My wife messaged me at work today and asked if I'd like to have a "date night". I'm guessing she would like to finish our conversation from the other night, and hopefully reconcile. Other than the single episode of cuddling the other night, she has not been affectionate at all. I tried to cuddle on the couch last night while we watched tv together; she was politely dismissive and acted tired.

Anyway, I take the invitation to a date night as a good sign. It's been four days since my last orgasm...I think the challenge to avoid porn will start to get a lot more difficult soon.

[green]

@Human and @neloangelo1227 - Are those links safe for me to view considering that I'm trying to avoid looking at porn?

Those are 2 Music Videos of Rammstein.

It's also there on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgZ1sPVlaPA and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTF7UJAAJNk (not the original video though)

That is the censored version, so its rather safe to see ; D.

~green~

[Human]

Those are 2 Music Videos of Rammstein.

It's also there on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgZ1sPVlaPA


~green~

Yeah thats the song I meant (Pussy)

[silversmith]

It looks to me like there are two areas where you could communicate better:

You don't understand why she feels the way she does about your porn habits.
She doesn't understand why you use porn, and how it makes you feel.

My advice would be to talk to her about these two issues. Then you will have a better idea of how to react.

[wonderbo]

@silversmith - True, and true. Although I think I probably have at least a little understanding of why she feels the way she does about porn...I just don't get why the reaction is so extreme.

@green - Thanks, I'll check it out!

Last night our date night was fun. She wasn't particularly interested in discussing anything serious, just having fun. There was some friend level touching, but nothing overtly affectionate. Secretly I was hoping for some sexual contact in the movie theater...nothing. We held hands briefly, that was it.

At the end of the night we both got in bed and she was asleep in like 30 seconds. I tossed and turned for a while before eventually falling into a very restless sleep. I awoke this morning with a boner like the eiffel tower. When I rolled over she groaned and complained that she had a migraine.

[wonderbo]

Later on, she called me at work and apologized that she wasn't feeling well this morning. I told her that wasn't something she needed to apologize for and that I was sorry she didn't feel well. She offered to bring me lunch at work if I wanted her to. I declined and told her I'd be coming home for lunch. I'm home now, but she's not here...

[neloangelo1227]

Have you and your wife considered going to couple's therapy or a sex therapist?

[wonderbo]

Have you and your wife considered going to couple's therapy or a sex therapist?

Yeah, we went to one several years ago. He said I had to give it up. I think everything is going to be fine. Now I'm just horny, and not sure when I'm going to get any...especially since I thought there was a pretty good chance there would be some sex at the end of our date night.

[Human]

He told you to give what up ? Sex ?

[wonderbo]

He told you to give what up ? Sex ?

LoL, I would've slapped him. He told me I had to give up porn.

[neloangelo1227]

He told you to give what up ? Sex ?

LoL, I would've slapped him. He told me I had to give up porn.

Wow.

You'd think a sex therapist would be, you know... sex positive. :facepalm:

[wonderbo]

He told you to give what up ? Sex ?

LoL, I would've slapped him. He told me I had to give up porn.

Wow.

You'd think a sex therapist would be, you know... sex positive. :facepalm:

He was, just insisted that it had be happen with my wife, not my hand. He said that looking at porn and masturbating was the same thing as cheating. I didn't agree, but didn't argue. My wife definitely agreed, and I was trying to patch things up.

[neloangelo1227]

Sorry dude, but no one who believes that masturbating is the same as cheating is "sex positive." That's so off-base that I don't even know where to begin in deconstructing it. Again I say, wow.

[Human]

Sorry dude, but no one who believes that masturbating is the same as cheating is "sex positive." That's so off-base that I don't even know where to begin in deconstructing it. Again I say, wow.

Agree 100%.
The next step is to say that masturbating while thinking of anyone except the wife is cheating.
And then, getting hard while thinking of anyone except the wife is cheating.
So then that leads to "dont watch any sexy movies/read any magazines as they all have sexy women ads"

[Alison]

Get a new sex therapist. Now. You and your wife (at least from your forum posts) have different level of sex drives. If you want sex every day and she wants sex once a week (or tolerates sex once a week) that's an issue. Therapists who say masturbation to a fantasy is cheating come from the same level of training who say being gay is a disease. They are there, but they are outdated.

You aren't cheating on her by masturbation fantasies. If she is that insecure, there are other factors involved. Is she going through a physical change? Has she put on or lost weight? Does her self-esteem need booting up. Or it may just make her uncomfortable because her upbringing tells her it's bad and wrong. So if you keep porn it is probably best to do it in a "private place on your computer." (That is another issue- if you share a computer, she may find it particularly difficult to have something she considers "her replacement" on her turf.)

Giving up porn may be a good decision for you. If you spend more than 3 hours a day, every single day looking at sexually gratifying images that's a problem. But perhaps you can give yourself time on a regular basis as a treat. But do it in a way that takes into account her feelings and considers them.

Hope that helps.

Ali