Quick tips to build trust

[IronRose]

Lately, I’ve noticed a few subs leave the spaces they were in, only to come back later. Turns out they had followed Doms they thought they could trust, but realized the connection wasn’t as solid as they hoped.

So I wanted to ask everyone here: how do you build trust quickly with someone new online? How long does it usually take for you to feel trust, and how long before it translates in real life?

I’d love to hear from all perspectives — Doms, subs, and switches alike.

Thank you~

[Augustulus]

So I wanted to ask everyone here: how do you build trust quickly with someone new online?

I think there are a lot of different factors that finally come together as trust in the end.
As I have decent experience in being an online dom and an online sub, I think the most important thing for both parties in such a relationship is "give, don't take".
But first off: it needs to be clear for both parties what they want. If it's only a quick session then less trust is needed and both parties can have more "secrets", however if it should lead to multiple sessions and even forming some kind of longer relationship then the trust should be slowly increased over time. To achieve something like that the first part should be always asking the other party what they want from it: do they want a quick session or do they want a longer relationship. If both parties agree that it it's fine to last longer, then they must open up to each other.
As a dom it then is absolutely important that you show up like a person and not like a lifeless bot. You are a person after all: act understanding to problems that the sub has with your dom-style. Work on yourself, try to find fitting compromises.
Open up to the sub by telling them why you can't do certain things at certain points (e.g. "sorry, I can't give you a session right now as work is crazy at the moment" or "I'll be out with friends tonight, we're going to watch movie XY"). Bring in conversation points that you can talk about with the sub. They don't have to be about your personal deep feelings, but they should show something from you. Something you're interested and/or something that defines you. And finally: don't be a bitch! Let private things stay private between you and the sub. Don't start with blackmail and if you need to do some blackmail stuff, do it in a fantasy environment, but also be clear about it.
As a sub, you need to be honest and tell what you like and what not. You need to explain why you can't do things and you need to be as much as a human as the dom needs to be.
For both it is important to not push things. Give opportunities to discover each other, let the other react to it and respect boundaries, but also be open to push your own boundaries further if you see the other person open up to you! Also be honest with your boundaries. If you want to have long lasting dom-sub relationships, you need to have a respectful relationship outside of the dom-sub relationship, too.

How long does it usually take for you to feel trust, and how long before it translates in real life?

Everyone has their own pace with opening up especially online. Also it depends on how often you communicate.
From my experience a good and trustworthy relationship needs at least 3-6 months to develop, but it's more usual towards a year or even two.

[HereforStim]

i'm curious whether some of those subs who run off and reappear are actually doing so out of "trust issues" or whether its a case of a horny bloke getting their nut in shame, and not someone interested in submission

trust is hard to come by and when it comes to online the distance between D/s, the lack of a real physical proximity, makes it harder to develop a real sense of trust

there are people who trust too easily - either a naivete or they're desperate enough to switch their self-preservation off. thousands of men get catfished and lose money, get baited in SW stings by obvious fake profiles, and more because they don't think and assume plot armor

if you're relying on men to be honest self-reporters online when it comes to submissive an sexual interests, I have a bridge to sell you

as for me I am a switch and have engaged in a fair bit of D/s play with my also-switch partner as well as IRL professional dommes - and when it comes to the professional relationship there is a backstop against the garbage since they have reputation and meeting in person has different sets of risks that are shared more equally - and this dynamic is missing online.

personally I don't engage in D/s online, because to me it is only "proctored self-administered", and does nothing for me. but i do understand that other people prefer the relative safety and retaining direct control as opposed to the risks of IRL with a stranger. That said i wouldn't engage with a non-professional someone IRL as either D/s without a fair bit of vetting, communication, and non-scene interactions in person to establish safety, commonalities, and clearly defined boundaries. Even as a rope top in a group setting - people are far too willing to blow by the important aspect of kink play: this stuff is inherently risky.. even in finding a professional Domme - i'm digging deep and practicing all the google-fu i have to find out if they're a respected practitioner or just a slap-n-tickle thot catering to femdom porn junkies.

[IronRose]

So I wanted to ask everyone here: how do you build trust quickly with someone new online?

I think there are a lot of different factors that finally come together as trust in the end.
As I have decent experience in being an online dom and an online sub, I think the most important thing for both parties in such a relationship is "give, don't take".
But first off: it needs to be clear for both parties what they want. If it's only a quick session then less trust is needed and both parties can have more "secrets", however if it should lead to multiple sessions and even forming some kind of longer relationship then the trust should be slowly increased over time. To achieve something like that the first part should be always asking the other party what they want from it: do they want a quick session or do they want a longer relationship. If both parties agree that it it's fine to last longer, then they must open up to each other.
As a dom it then is absolutely important that you show up like a person and not like a lifeless bot. You are a person after all: act understanding to problems that the sub has with your dom-style. Work on yourself, try to find fitting compromises.
Open up to the sub by telling them why you can't do certain things at certain points (e.g. "sorry, I can't give you a session right now as work is crazy at the moment" or "I'll be out with friends tonight, we're going to watch movie XY"). Bring in conversation points that you can talk about with the sub. They don't have to be about your personal deep feelings, but they should show something from you. Something you're interested and/or something that defines you. And finally: don't be a bitch! Let private things stay private between you and the sub. Don't start with blackmail and if you need to do some blackmail stuff, do it in a fantasy environment, but also be clear about it.
As a sub, you need to be honest and tell what you like and what not. You need to explain why you can't do things and you need to be as much as a human as the dom needs to be.
For both it is important to not push things. Give opportunities to discover each other, let the other react to it and respect boundaries, but also be open to push your own boundaries further if you see the other person open up to you! Also be honest with your boundaries. If you want to have long lasting dom-sub relationships, you need to have a respectful relationship outside of the dom-sub relationship, too.

How long does it usually take for you to feel trust, and how long before it translates in real life?

Everyone has their own pace with opening up especially online. Also it depends on how often you communicate.
From my experience a good and trustworthy relationship needs at least 3-6 months to develop, but it's more usual towards a year or even two.

Thank you for sharing your perspective from both the Dom and sub side. It seems to me you’ve got quite a bit of experience and I really appreciate the insights.

I’ve sometimes had subs who were very clingy. For example, when I tell them I’m busy or explain what I’m doing, they don’t believe me. They think I’m pushing them away or trying to get rid of them, and then they’ll send me long, emotional messages that give me the sense they don’t trust me at all. In the end, I’ve had to end those dynamics.

Do you think this is common? Also, I personally feel that long-term D/s relationships can be very fragile — they’re difficult to build but surprisingly easy to break. Have you experienced something similar?

[IronRose]

i'm curious whether some of those subs who run off and reappear are actually doing so out of "trust issues" or whether its a case of a horny bloke getting their nut in shame, and not someone interested in submission

trust is hard to come by and when it comes to online the distance between D/s, the lack of a real physical proximity, makes it harder to develop a real sense of trust

there are people who trust too easily - either a naivete or they're desperate enough to switch their self-preservation off. thousands of men get catfished and lose money, get baited in SW stings by obvious fake profiles, and more because they don't think and assume plot armor

if you're relying on men to be honest self-reporters online when it comes to submissive an sexual interests, I have a bridge to sell you

as for me I am a switch and have engaged in a fair bit of D/s play with my also-switch partner as well as IRL professional dommes - and when it comes to the professional relationship there is a backstop against the garbage since they have reputation and meeting in person has different sets of risks that are shared more equally - and this dynamic is missing online.

personally I don't engage in D/s online, because to me it is only "proctored self-administered", and does nothing for me. but i do understand that other people prefer the relative safety and retaining direct control as opposed to the risks of IRL with a stranger. That said i wouldn't engage with a non-professional someone IRL as either D/s without a fair bit of vetting, communication, and non-scene interactions in person to establish safety, commonalities, and clearly defined boundaries. Even as a rope top in a group setting - people are far too willing to blow by the important aspect of kink play: this stuff is inherently risky.. even in finding a professional Domme - i'm digging deep and practicing all the google-fu i have to find out if they're a respected practitioner or just a slap-n-tickle thot catering to femdom porn junkies.

As a Domme online, I run into so many of those “horny blokes” every day.They look so earnest when they’re advertising themselves to me, and just when I’m actually moved enough to want to reply, I find out they don’t even have the patience to wait for an answer… sigh (lol).
I’m curious though, with the professional Dommes you’ve seen, do they give you what you’re looking for in a more lasting, mental or emotional sense?

[HereforStim]

I’m curious though, with the professional Dommes you’ve seen, do they give you what you’re looking for in a more lasting, mental or emotional sense?

I'm not a "frequent flyer", but I do know some men who do look for and get what they are looking for in a deeper/longer connection with an IRL professional

in and our case, it's more of specific fantasy situations, scenarios, education sessions, and the simplicity in the nature of the relationship

i'm not often in need of much aftercare, mentally I find I can maintain an anchor point regardless how far off I drift, but that might be attention span. in "sessions" with just my partner and I, we do both need a little more reassurance and check ins, and more of a wind-down than 20 minutes before a 2-3 hour is up

emotionally, my needs are met with my partner. but my partner doesn't have the skill-set, repertoire, or cant readily access the presence of mind, or isn't motivated towards interest in specific things

i guess some guys find one provider and tend to stay there, i'm/we're more of a "pick-a-specialty" client. Rope education session? There's one we like, but wouldn't go to them for an intense impact/sensation session - that's someone else, etc