Chastity/pegging with partner

[Sissyprence]

Hey all,
So I've always been extremely curious, wanting to try new things and have found some things that I very much enjoy, but my partner is very much not interested in them.
I got her to look at chastity cages with me and we ended up ordering one, but she says she doesn't know how much to tell me to use it, or that she didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I've let her know that I want it, but she doesn't usually take the reins with it, I have to kind of offer it up, which takes some of the fun out of it. I've let her know this of course, I'm very open about these things, but she doesn't seem very interested in it. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make it more appealing for her?
The others things that I'm very much am interested in, she pretty much dismissed outright so I haven't pushed too much but if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it: feminization, cei and pegging.
Thank you anyone who has any advice for me!

[Roblsforbobls]

Hey all,
So I've always been extremely curious, wanting to try new things and have found some things that I very much enjoy, but my partner is very much not interested in them.

I was just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make it more appealing for her?
The others things that I'm very much am interested in, she pretty much dismissed outright so I haven't pushed too much but if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it: feminization, cei and pegging.
Thank you anyone who has any advice for me!

Sorry to hear that your partner isn't very interested in some of your kinks :( I think it's awesome how open about them you are though! I'm hardly qualified to speak on this for lack of relevant experience, but might I suggest seeking advice from an appropriate subreddit? I think you could try posting in r/relationship_advice. After a quick glance over there it seems like they get a lot of questions about kinks in a relationship.

They might ask you, how important is it to you that your partner is involved in your sexual exploration? How important is it to you that all of your kinks are incorporated in sex with your partner? Wanting to make it more appealing to them kind of sounds like wanting to change their mind, and that is not an easy thing to do, nor is it always the best thing to try to do. It could be less of a lack of interest and more them not being comfortable with those kinks, in which case it might be best not to push them to participate. Need to respect boundaries, right? Anyways, I'll leave it to the relationship advice professionals on the subreddit - I think you'll have a more productive conversation over there. Best wishes :)

[Princessbri]

Hey sissyprence,
I've had similar problems where my partner just isn't into the same kinks that I am. Honestly it sounds like she just doesn't want to be a domme, which is totally fine, it's not for everyone. I'd suggest to invest in a suction cup dildo and try to do those things when you have alone time. Only problem is those kinks usually get pretty addictive, so if you ever want to chat about them privately, feel free to dm me ;)

[throwawayacct]

Hey all,
So I've always been extremely curious, wanting to try new things and have found some things that I very much enjoy, but my partner is very much not interested in them.

Coming at this from a 20 year relationship: They may be interested, but *just not like you are*. They may appreciate the aesthetic but not the actuality, they may appreciate the control but not the whole "aura" of it. Or they just aren't into it.

I got her to look at chastity cages with me and we ended up ordering one, but she says she doesn't know how much to tell me to use it, or that she didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I've let her know that I want it, but she doesn't usually take the reins with it, I have to kind of offer it up, which takes some of the fun out of it. I've let her know this of course, I'm very open about these things, but she doesn't seem very interested in it. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make it more appealing for her?

OP, don't fuck this up. You have a rarity in the world, a partner who seems to be Good, Giving, and Game (to steal from Dan Savage). Many, many, many kinky folks have to hide or outsource their kink, where you have the blessing to be able to at least discuss them without being shut down or shut out.

Still, one of the biggest challenges in the GGG relationship is a mismatch in kinks! It is very difficult for someone to step out of their preferred, accustomed, or developed role, and as the other party involved you need to be exceptionally aware of their feelings. They may have stigmas, hangups, unfamiliarity, or want to proceed with an abundance of caution because they care about you and your feelings. The only - ONLY - way to work through or figure out if there is an incompatibility, is to communicate clearly, concisely, and without judgement. They may never adopt a dominant or a top role - it might just not be in their personality. Sexual partners are not fetish dispensers, and people cannot just assume a role.

There's a tendency to get into a thing, find out your partner might be interested, and then rush off at 100mph or leap into the deep end. This is not the way. This makes your partner apprehensive, they have not done the research, reading, study, fantasizing, or any of it...they are not caught up to where you are with this. Consider how long this has been something you were interested in, compared with how long they've had to mentally process and work through it. Adding to the difficulty is that they may not ever be into this like you are. And you have to be OK with that - really OK and accept the circumstances, because continuing to push on a communicated boundary is just poison to a relationship.

Some of the language is concerning - you used the phrase "I got her to look...", which makes me cringe. It implies convincing, a reluctance on one side, and that you went on to make a purchase and try to incorporate things, doesn't seem to have taken their feelings about it into account. Rushed into.

The others things that I'm very much am interested in, she pretty much dismissed outright so I haven't pushed too much but if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it: feminization, cei and pegging.
Thank you anyone who has any advice for me!

Oof. So you have a bunch of kinks, you're a kinky person, and you're pretty much opening on some polarizing and role-challenging kinks. Look, you opened the conversation, kink cards are laid out, and they have communicated their boundary. Do you plan on staying in this relationship long term? If so, take the long term view - this person is gonna stick around for a while and you have time. Time for them to identify their own interests, how they fit with yours, process yours, and more. By far, most women in Puritan-rooted societies are expected to fulfil a certain set of roles and it is ingrained since birth. They may not have even explored their own kinks at this point, and here you are wanting a Milovana-style fantasy fulfillment.

So pump the fuckin' brakes. It's out there, right? Let them process it and come to terms and understand it. Let them look into it on their own time. Get comfortable playing by yourself and learn all the nuances from their perspective, and be able to answer questions/have discussion without expectations, and away from the bedroom.

It took years - years - for my GGG partner to get where I was with my interest in pegging. I did what many do - got excited when I learned they might be open to some kinks, rushed in and dragged them to buy a harness, etc. Fortunately they had some foresight and suggested that maybe I'm much further along in the process than they were, and they had to get their head around it. They didn't like the usual portrayal of rubber-clad domme's railing a bound sub with a horse-cock, "black leather is so fucking boring", and also the most important part - there didn't seem to be anything in it for them.

A problem was that almost all the literature and imagery was aimed at subby men, and things like "ruthless" and "brutal" are not in any way something they'd be interested in. After taking into account how it might be received by the wielder of the harness, and taking time to find much more partner-centric and making sure to address the "Good and Giving" parts, and a fair bit of awkward discussion about expected roles, the process, and talking to death every aspect they were concerned about, I came home from a work trip to find they'd sourced and acquired a harness and dildo they liked and appreciated. Fast forward a few more years and they're more comfortable switching roles and being a little more dominant.

A pro domme told me once that it's extraordinarily rare, even deep into the fetish scenes, that a set of partners in a relationship are able to really be sadist/masochist. That care and concern for the other person is at a deeper level than a scene or compartmentalizing can manage, and a scene experience meeting expectations of fantasy is mostly unlikely when you are scene-ing with a relationship partner - and this seems to be more prevalent in the "deeper" fetishes. Dripping some candle wax or getting fucked in stockings and a garter belt, is just on a whole different level than "harder" fetishes like CBT and pegging where there really is a chance of bad-hurting someone, or requires the partner to adopt a headspace.

I'm deep into e-stim. My partner is not, they're not comfortable with the concept, partly from not having direct experience outside a TENS for muscle injury, and they're just kind of "meh" on the whole thing. I have to admit (and accept) that the body of knowledge and safety is a deep one, the learning curve is real steep, and the risk with a new user is very high. And that they're not into and and won't be. So it's a me thing and they're just fine with it.

It could be the sight of you in a chastity cage is a real mindfuck they weren't accounting for. Some of the things that excite you about it may very well be the exact obstacles they have about it - and bringing in the other submissive-aligned fetishes created a shutdown while they now have to process the sense of you in that role.

Short version? You need to be supremely patient and not be bringing this up - they might and you have to let them. Don't even think about bringing any of this stuff up in the bedroom, it's a pressured environment and that's working against you both. A good barometer for comfort levels: If you both can't have a light conversation about the whole thing from start to cleanup and aftercare over breakfast and coffee before family arrives for Easter Brunch, and have satisfying vanilla sex later on without the kinks...you're both not ready yet.

BIG EDIT: There will be kink conversations, and during the course of them you may want pursue an educational aspect instead. There's an adult shop in the next city over that hosts a ton of workshops, intro to shibari, intro to anal play, intro to <blank> and there might be 4-24 people attending any given weekly session. All classroom type, all aimed at getting both parties comfortable talking about the kinks, and no pressures. Sometimes the talk is delivered by a well-trained associate, sometimes by a legit sex educator, and other times by professionals in the specific kink. If this is too public or too much, see if they'd be willing to have a casual meet with a pro-domme/dom in a non-play/kink setting and get the low-down that way. This is a big hurdle for many, however, and the task of finding a legitimate and qualified sex worker is a challenge in and of itself. The last route and what might be best if there is a significant disinterest or mismatch in interests is to outsource and have periodic sessions with a professional yourself. You get to indulge in the fantasy with no strings attached and your partner gets to stay in their more comfortable role - you also have to absolutely make sure your partner is getting all their needs fulfilled as well, otherwise you're just being selfish and they're gonna resent you for it.