stingy wife

jehu123 · Post by **jehu123** » Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:23 pm

My wife never wants to have sex, never wants to be pleasured. I love to be teased but don't get it. I am also very bad at long teases than denials. Any tips!

subhubby · Post by **subhubby** » Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:18 pm

I used to resent my wife for our flagging sex life. Then I learned that the blame was to be shared. If anything, the problem was with me. Sure, I wanted sex, and I pushed her. The problem was, I wasn't creating the home environment that fostered a healthy appetite for sex.

First, you would be well advised to spend more time being an attentive, affectionate husband to her, and less time jerking off to fantasies involving other women. I speak from experience and with no condescension intended. Here's a book that changed my view of marriage to the benefit of both my wife and I. If you read this book and embrace its principles, be patient...it took my wife more than a year to "get it". But I was patient and saw the value in these principles. Now my wife is head of our household, and our sex life has never been better. Most importantly, we have a much easier, lighter interaction with one another on a day-to-day basis. I really believe this is a great way to live. Our marriage has never been stronger.

http://worshippingyourwife.blogspot.com/

Good luck.

TheGraduate · Post by **TheGraduate** » Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:16 pm

subhubby wrote:Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry

Riiiiight.

My relationship with my slavegirl is the most stable, respectful, and sane relationship I've ever witnessed. To her, my name is "Sir". To me, her name is "Kitten". Gender has jack-fucking-shit to do with it. It's entirely about mutual respect and women are no more capable of leading a relationship than a man. What the thread poster really needs as advice is NOT "worship your wife".

It's TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

Why aren't we having more sex?
What is wrong with the current situation?
How can we as a couple get things going again?
How can we ensure things don't dry up again?
How can we ensure neither of us use sex as a bargaining chip?

Don't ask the internet. Ask your wife.

subhubby wrote: Is that some kind of bad joke?

http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com

You're better off with that...

Dick Masterson is hilarious, but I think having his site posted on this forum is gonna lead to some hurt feelings by people who take things too seriously.

Lindsey · Post by **Lindsey** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:42 pm

TheGraduate wrote: How can we ensure neither of us use sex as a bargaining chip?

Doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. ;)

To the OP...i've been sitting here for a good 5 minutes trying to come up with some advice that might help you. Truth is, I have no idea how to make women want sex. I suspect, though, that the issue is larger than her just not wanting sex. There are likely underlying issues in your relationship that you need to deal with in order for her to have those types of feelings towards you. I don't know what these are, but that's what you need to find out.

I'd do one of 2 things:
-Talk to her. Not about sex, but about your relationship. Don't bring sex up. Just start a conversation with her and ask, "Can I talk to you? It seems like we've been distant from each other lately. I feel like i've been contributing to that without knowing it. What's on your mind?" Fix the issues she has, and sex will come when she's comfortable. It could also be that she's not comfortable with her body, or something else completely unrelated to you. You need to find out though, and the only want to do that is to talk to her.

-This is the controversial one, and can't be done without you doing the 1st. It's a manipulative passive aggressive game that can backfire if you're not careful. But...ignore her. Do *not* ignore her completely. But, what you want to do is be very loving and attentive, and caring and thoughtful when you're around...but spend plenty of time *not* being around. Spend time with friends, take up a new hobby, maybe make some new friends (maybe even a girl), help your parents out with grocery shopping..anything at all really. If you're around her less, but are the husband she wants you to be...she'll be excited to see you when you *are* with her. It will also take less energy for you to put forth the effort to go above and beyond what she normally sees from you.

Want to know a *very* easy way to A) get a girl to want you, and B) Increase the attention you get from her tenfold?

Hang out with another girl. I'm not saying do anything wrong. But even a completely innocent platonic dynamic is plenty to wake someone up and snap them out of being content with routine. Something as simple as, "So-and-so from work asked me to go shopping with her after we get out...she needs help picking out an anniversary gift for her husband". Completely innocent, and you're being open and honest about it. But watch what that does to someone. ;) If it were me, i'd even pick him up a present while I was out shopping..."I got this for you...when I saw it, I was telling my co-worker how you'd look so nice in the shirt, I had to get it for you". ...At the end of the day, he feels playfully threatened enough to wake up, noone did anything wrong, he got a new shirt, and i'd be willing to bet that we have pretty intense sex that night...and our relationship develops a strong bond for quite some time after.

Again, it's a dangerous game. But I believe in being brutally honest, and that's probably what i'd wind up doing *in conjunction with talking to her*....very important. If you're going to play with fire like that, you need to be attentive to her and make hr feel like she's special when you're with her. Otherwise she'll feel betrayed and pushed aside. If you don't understand how to balance these things, don't even play around with it. But if you do, it can be very healthy for a relationship to get out of a stagnant dynamic where you break the mold of how she expects you to act.

-L

Xenophobe · Post by **Xenophobe** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 2:26 pm

Lindsey wrote: -This is the controversial one, and can't be done without you doing the 1st. It's a manipulative passive aggressive game that can backfire if you're not careful. But...ignore her. Do *not* ignore her completely. But, what you want to do is be very loving and attentive, and caring and thoughtful when you're around...but spend plenty of time *not* being around. Spend time with friends, take up a new hobby, maybe make some new friends (maybe even a girl), help your parents out with grocery shopping..anything at all really. If you're around her less, but are the husband she wants you to be...she'll be excited to see you when you *are* with her. It will also take less energy for you to put forth the effort to go above and beyond what she normally sees from you.

I think this is especially great advice. It's really easy for relationships to drift into a routine. In initial phases of a relationship, two people spend lots of time together because doing so is better than doing something else. But, as time goes on, people just get into the habit of spending time with each other. In some cases, it can be uncomfortable spending time away. So, if I were you, I would expect some complaints when you start to spend more time away. That's why, like Lindsey says, when you do spend time together it needs to be quality time.

cumhardy · Post by **cumhardy** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:09 pm

Xenophobe wrote:
Lindsey wrote: -This is the controversial one, and can't be done without you doing the 1st. It's a manipulative passive aggressive game that can backfire if you're not careful. But...ignore her. Do *not* ignore her completely. But, what you want to do is be very loving and attentive, and caring and thoughtful when you're around...but spend plenty of time *not* being around. Spend time with friends, take up a new hobby, maybe make some new friends (maybe even a girl), help your parents out with grocery shopping..anything at all really. If you're around her less, but are the husband she wants you to be...she'll be excited to see you when you *are* with her. It will also take less energy for you to put forth the effort to go above and beyond what she normally sees from you.
I think this is especially great advice. It's really easy for relationships to drift into a routine. In initial phases of a relationship, two people spend lots of time together because doing so is better than doing something else. But, as time goes on, people just get into the habit of spending time with each other. In some cases, it can be uncomfortable spending time away. So, if I were you, I would expect some complaints when you start to spend more time away. That's why, like Lindsey says, when you do spend time together it needs to be quality time.

Yeah i dont see this advice as being manipulative passive aggressive, its just good to spend some time apart now and then. It will make the time you spend together a bit more special.

Lindsey wrote:Hang out with another girl. I'm not saying do anything wrong. But even a completely innocent platonic dynamic is plenty to wake someone up and snap them out of being content with routine. Something as simple as, "So-and-so from work asked me to go shopping with her after we get out...she needs help picking out an anniversary gift for her husband". Completely innocent, and you're being open and honest about it. But watch what that does to someone. ;) If it were me, i'd even pick him up a present while I was out shopping..."I got this for you...when I saw it, I was telling my co-worker how you'd look so nice in the shirt, I had to get it for you". ...At the end of the day, he feels playfully threatened enough to wake up, noone did anything wrong, he got a new shirt, and i'd be willing to bet that we have pretty intense sex that night...and our relationship develops a strong bond for quite some time after.

Does this really work? Maybe if she is the jealous type. Ive never felt like that if my girlfriend hangs out with another guy and vice-versa she is never bothered about my female mates... you should make friends for friends sake, not to get your wife to sleep with you

Im in a similar situation, my girlfriend is kinda 'stingy' if you wanna use that word. I might start teasing her any time she does show me some sexual attention... get her horny then leave her hanging... either she will want more or she will stop having sex with me forever... either way, Ill have fun in the process

Lindsey · Post by **Lindsey** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:36 pm

cumhardy wrote: Yeah i dont see this advice as being manipulative passive aggressive...

Well...not if you're doing it with the best interest of the relationship in mind. But, let's not forget that he posted for advice because he's not getting enough sex...not because he's looking for advice about developing a closer bond with his wife on an emotional level. ;)

Yes, I believe it would be manipulative to go through those motions because you want sex more often. That's what the thread is about. It's not a *bad* thing to do, as there would be a duality to the situation and it would turn out to be a positive thing. But the driving force behind him taking those actions in the first place? Sex. ;)

cumhardy wrote: Does this really work? Maybe if she is the jealous type. Ive never felt like that if my girlfriend hangs out with another guy and vice-versa she is never bothered about my female mates... you should make friends for friends sake, not to get your wife to sleep with you

I don't know a person alive that wouldn't perk their ears up at the notion of the person they love suddenly spending a day with someone of the opposite sex that they've never spent time with before. Being jealous is a different issue, and IMO usually involves unjustified anger or resentment, which isn't a positive thing.

I think it's manipulative if done for the reasons that are driving this thread. And again, IMO, there's a duality to everything and making friends can have more than one benefit (no pun intended). ;) It can be beneficial on more than one level.

But of course, he's not trying to use his wife simply for sex. So in reality, any actions he takes will, in the long run, turn out to be out of love to a certain degree, and not *completely* sexually driven.

-L

all2true · Post by **all2true** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:03 pm

jehu123 wrote:My wife never wants to have sex, never wants to be pleasured. I love to be teased but don't get it. I am also very bad at long teases than denials. Any tips!

There are a lot af reasons a women may not want sex
I suggest proffesional counciling and/or medical help.
If you are not reciving teasing, She may be simply "turned off"

Your post is sparce on details, so I appologise for not providing more insight
But I would defenitely recommend marital help of some kind, especially if this has been an ongoing situation.

Do you know her fantasies? (Nancy Friday's - My Secreat Garden)
How do you communicate love to eachother?(Five Love Languages)
But books don't help as much as communication, talk to her about it
and then talk again about it
And one last plug for: proffesional help

Nikki · Post by **Nikki** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:13 pm

baultista wrote:
subhubby wrote:I used to resent my wife for our flagging sex life. Then I learned that the blame was to be shared. If anything, the problem was with me. Sure, I wanted sex, and I pushed her. The problem was, I wasn't creating the home environment that fostered a healthy appetite for sex.

First, you would be well advised to spend more time being an attentive, affectionate husband to her, and less time jerking off to fantasies involving other women. I speak from experience and with no condescension intended. Here's a book that changed my view of marriage to the benefit of both my wife and I. If you read this book and embrace its principles, be patient...it took my wife more than a year to "get it". But I was patient and saw the value in these principles. Now my wife is head of our household, and our sex life has never been better. Most importantly, we have a much easier, lighter interaction with one another on a day-to-day basis. I really believe this is a great way to live. Our marriage has never been stronger.

http://worshippingyourwife.blogspot.com/

Good luck.
Is that some kind of bad joke?

http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com

You're better off with that...

No joke...for someone who is very serious about what he is asking, this is very very good advice. For women the sexual arousal comes from the little things that happen all throughout the day not when you crawl into bed at night.

"I pushed her. The problem was, I wasn't creating the home environment that fostered a healthy appetite for sex"

Talk about taking accountability subhubby, that is a wonderful revelation to have and I am glad it worked for you ;)

Nikki

Nikki · Post by **Nikki** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:24 pm

TheGraduate wrote:
subhubby wrote:Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry Misandry
Riiiiight. My relationship with my slavegirl is the most stable, respectful, and sane relationship I've ever witnessed. To her, my name is "Sir". To me, her name is "Kitten". Gender has jack-fucking-shit to do with it. It's entirely about mutual respect and women are no more capable of leading a relationship than a man. What the thread poster really needs as advice is NOT "worship your wife".

It's TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

Why aren't we having more sex?
What is wrong with the current situation?
How can we as a couple get things going again?
How can we ensure things don't dry up again?
How can we ensure neither of us use sex as a bargaining chip?

Don't ask the internet. Ask your wife.

subhubby wrote: Is that some kind of bad joke?

http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com

You're better off with that...
Dick Masterson is hilarious, but I think having his site posted on this forum is gonna lead to some hurt feelings by people who take things too seriously.

I think you guys missed subhubbys point. It doesn't matter who is "in charge" .. in a situation like the OP described there is quite often so much frustration over "sex" that it becomes a constant battle with the man having certain needs and the woman having other needs. The problem is the needs are often misunderstood. What subhubby was pointing out was that perhaps the OP needs to touch on other needs that his wife may have (most nothing to do with sex) before he can expect her to become a better lover. Yes, the wife could do the same but in this case HE is the one asking and who wants to fix the situation so he should start the process.. he might be pleasantly surprised.

If you are in a place where you can find a good counselor who can help you better understand each others needs then that is a good thing. That can be a difficult task for some people who may be somewhat embarrassed by the situation. There are a lot of good books on this topic.

Nikki

Nikki · Post by **Nikki** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:26 pm

Xenophobe wrote:
Lindsey wrote: -This is the controversial one, and can't be done without you doing the 1st. It's a manipulative passive aggressive game that can backfire if you're not careful. But...ignore her. Do *not* ignore her completely. But, what you want to do is be very loving and attentive, and caring and thoughtful when you're around...but spend plenty of time *not* being around. Spend time with friends, take up a new hobby, maybe make some new friends (maybe even a girl), help your parents out with grocery shopping..anything at all really. If you're around her less, but are the husband she wants you to be...she'll be excited to see you when you *are* with her. It will also take less energy for you to put forth the effort to go above and beyond what she normally sees from you.
I think this is especially great advice. It's really easy for relationships to drift into a routine. In initial phases of a relationship, two people spend lots of time together because doing so is better than doing something else. But, as time goes on, people just get into the habit of spending time with each other. In some cases, it can be uncomfortable spending time away. So, if I were you, I would expect some complaints when you start to spend more time away. That's why, like Lindsey says, when you do spend time together it needs to be quality time.

This is great advice.

Nikki

cumhardy · Post by **cumhardy** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:35 pm

Lindsey wrote:
cumhardy wrote: Yeah i dont see this advice as being manipulative passive aggressive...
Well...not if you're doing it with the best interest of the relationship in mind. But, let's not forget that he posted for advice because he's not getting enough sex...not because he's looking for advice about developing a closer bond with his wife on an emotional level. ;)

Hey, never thought of it like that... ha, what a bastard thing to do

Im gonna try it. Fuck emotional truth!

Lindsey wrote:
cumhardy wrote: Does this really work? Maybe if she is the jealous type. Ive never felt like that if my girlfriend hangs out with another guy and vice-versa she is never bothered about my female mates... you should make friends for friends sake, not to get your wife to sleep with you
I don't know a person alive that wouldn't perk their ears up at the notion of the person they love suddenly spending a day with someone of the opposite sex that they've never spent time with before.

Hmmmmm well perhaps that would work then.... perhaps perhaps. Now where would I find a girl that wants to watch me flip though endless second-hand DVD's in charity shops all day long?

Has anyone noticed how the original poster wrote like half a sentence about wanting a bit more sex and everyone is giving him verbose marriage advice? lol

subhubby · Post by **subhubby** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:59 pm

The Graduate and Baultista totally missed my point in my first reply.

The original poster implies that his unsatisfactory sex life is due to a problem with his wife. My point is simply that this is never a one-way street. If "The Graduate" would take some time to actually read the blog I linked to (instead of having a knee-jerk reaction tot he title of the book!), he'd learn that it does not claim that women are superior to men. I certainly don't believe that. The book (and site) simply advocate a dynamic in which the (too often inattentive, as in my case) husband goes out of his way to re-introduce the "chivalry of courtship" to the marriage. Act like you did when you started dating her, in other words!

I court my wife. I leave notes around the house for her. I still buy her flowers...not every week, not on a predictable basis, but regularly. I often massage her feet as we watch tv. I do little things, such as recharge her cellphone, or wash her glasses. None of these things impact my lifestyle...but collectively they impact my marriage. It's all of the little, insignificant things that tell her that I think of her. I don't think she owes me anything - certainly not a weekly fuck. As soon as I stopped acting as though I was entitled to fuck her, and instead worked to earn her desire to do so, we ended up fucking much, much, much more often. Several years ago, our sex life had reduced to maybe once every two weeks. Now it's at least twice per week, and (rarely) up to 4 times per week. Note that I'm pushing 50, and we've been married for more than 20 years. If you're still young or single, you can't possibly relate to the fact that this is a big, big deal....but it is. I'm positive my wife and I have much more sex than most people our age. We don't set any records, but it's a natural, easy, no-pressure pace that makes both of us happy.

I'll add that when we have sex, the goal isn't an orgasm for me. I always tried to get my wife off, but now doing so is the focal point of all of our sexual activity. My orgasm is secondary, but it usually happens. I'm happy either way, usually, because I know that (1) more sex is just around the corner; and (2) my wife is having orgasms (which didn't happen often for the first half of our marriage); and (3) because my wife's orgasms are primary in objective, our variety has exploded...vibrators, oral sex, even some light bondage from time to time...something unthinkable just a few years ago for us.

I'm telling you...put her first, and you'll get taken care of.

So, as others noted, it's not about women being better leaders...or men. It's about respect. I respect her. In fact, I revere her. And, I've noticed that she seems to revere me, maybe as a result. It's an awesome experience. So, G and B, before you judge the content of the link I posted, at least understand it.

Best wishes.

Post by **mrfire** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:10 am

Lindsey wrote: I'd do one of 2 things:
-Talk to her. Not about sex, but about your relationship. Don't bring sex up. Just start a conversation with her and ask, "Can I talk to you? It seems like we've been distant from each other lately. I feel like i've been contributing to that without knowing it. What's on your mind?" Fix the issues she has, and sex will come when she's comfortable. It could also be that she's not comfortable with her body, or something else completely unrelated to you. You need to find out though, and the only want to do that is to talk to her.

I agree with this approach nearly completely, except for its initial implementation. The recommended line - "we've been distant... what's on your mind" (emphasis added) risks coming off accusatory. I know that may seem oversensitive, but I think if you're at the point of asking strangers online for help, the situation may call for some extra sensitivity. Instead, I'd recommend something close but different: "I've been feeling like we're distant from each other recently. Have you felt that way too?"

The two changes are significant in opening conversations with somebody on a topic like this: a) Replace the passive 'It seems' with the active first person 'I feel' to show that you're opening up and b) Use a leading question rather than an open-ended one to guide the conversation and make her comfortable.

You're going to have to share a little before she does, so be prepared to talk and use questions to keep her involved and to give her a chance to eventually start talking on her own. The open-ended "What's on your mind?" questions are scary and make it too easy to shut down the conversation with a quick "Nothing. I'm fine."

But most importantly, have something to say before you start this conversation. The relationship is at a low point and you want to save it. Think about what's signaling that the relationship isn't doing so well, think about what it is that made your relationship great before this started happening, and come up with a few reminders of wonderful times you have shared to get a smile on your wife's face when the conversation starts to get too serious.

Lindsey wrote: Hang out with another girl. I'm not saying do anything wrong. But even a completely innocent platonic dynamic is plenty to wake someone up and snap them out of being content with routine. Something as simple as, "So-and-so from work asked me to go shopping with her after we get out...she needs help picking out an anniversary gift for her husband". Completely innocent, and you're being open and honest about it. But watch what that does to someone. ;) ... and i'd be willing to bet that we have pretty intense sex that night...and our relationship develops a strong bond for quite some time after.

Lindsey has made a name for herself on this board by continually posting well-thought and reasoned comments, while always having that little edge that keeps the guys drooling. And her advice here is wonderful if you're trying to seduce a girl that you've just met, particularly if you think she's out of your league. I know: I've used it numerous times.

Although Lindsey offers us a caveat at the end, recommending that this only be done in conjunction with conversation and that you must walk a fine line, that caveat fails to capture the essence of this trick. The whole idea of this game -- it is a game -- stems from a basic "we want what we can't have" impulse, and it feeds nearly solely on insecurity and jealousy. I can tell that Lindsey and I are contemporaries in age, and probably both have enjoyed the pleasure of this game numerous times during our bachelor days.

But this advice simply cannot apply to a serious relationship. If you love somebody, you cannot voluntarily put them in a situation where they will begin to feel insecure solely so that they'll pay more attention to you. Regardless of whether or not you're able to draw the line at keeping your spouse from getting "too" jealous, she will be jealous and she will get upset by it. It may cause a behavior change, but you will do so at the expense of your wife's ego. It's not worth it, man.

This trick will get you laid. I promise. But it will not fix a marriage. Stick with the first bit of advice.

- mrFire

Nikki · Post by **Nikki** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:56 am

mrfire wrote: But this advice simply cannot apply to a serious relationship. If you love somebody, you cannot voluntarily put them in a situation where they will begin to feel insecure solely so that they'll pay more attention to you. Regardless of whether or not you're able to draw the line at keeping your spouse from getting "too" jealous, she will be jealous and she will get upset by it. It may cause a behavior change, but you will do so at the expense of your wife's ego. It's not worth it, man.

This trick will get you laid. I promise. But it will not fix a marriage. Stick with the first bit of advice.

- mrFire

Very well said mrFire.

Nikki

stingy wife

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