Arguments and BDSM

[Sett]

So, should two people in BDSM relationship come to a disagreement, how do they deal with it?
Is it the usual "1). woman is always right" - therefore compromising dom/me's position? Does dom/me make use of his power, therefore, too, compromising his/her position?

What if it's just sexual relationship? What if it's serious and the D/s is only part of their sex? And what if they live the lifestyle? Any experiences, thoughts?

I guess the question here really is: "how does one argue with a girl"??

[SexualChoc]

Complicated multi-layered question

first everyone is an individual
not all "girls" are the same

second if you are "arguing" you have lost control of yourself and the conversation
the chances working through issues/problems/questions with an argument.. are terribly bad
(unless you are using the more technical definition of argument for debating)

let's start witht he basics How to talk communicate here was a good link
it applies to work place
but would be helpful in a relationship.
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCS_99.htm

then there is listening, which requires serious effort!
http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

note I am in No way promoting the website I have linked twice it just happened to have good summery and application.

okay now you can form ideas well in talking and are learning to listen better
next is the part that is NOT taught ...

learning yourself and her and each other!!!
you change .. today was a "good" day or "bad" day... there is this issue at work or home
today you are doing dishes and you break one... it is called LIFE

girls (and guys) change all the time we learn, adapt
one of the Key things from my marriage is By the time you figure out what is going on with your partner , chances are something else has happened! and they are now dealing with a "new" thing!

relationship is a growing thing it changes, moves, shifts, even jumps to new places

the way to "win" is to embrace both your life and the person or persons life as well
how much you incoperate them, depends on if they are a casual aquantance, friend, or lover!

Best of luck!

if you have specific issues I will do my brest to assist but in life YOU are the one that affects and effects

[Nezhul]

I believe sexual relationship should be separated from daily life. You may be dominant in sex, but when some disagreement occurs - you should both work as equals to resolve it. That's what I think. And that doesn't compromise dom's position. This very evening Dom will be in power again. So for me it's separate. My partner is a person that I love and care about, her thoughts and feelings are important to me. I respect her view and she's equal to me. In bed we may exchange power, or we may even bring some elements in everyday life, but outside of sexual play we are equal, and I should compromise with her opinions. That's what I think is the way to go.

[les]

I saw this a few days ago perhaps it wil help



9 Surefire Ways to Can Conflict Before Everything Hits the Fan



                

[johnsmith3x]

It depends. I found that sticking to facts (and avoiding feelings where possible) helps. Sometimes the argument is about feelings and you can't avoid them -- "I feel like a charity case and not a friend" was one mild argument I had long ago. Arguments don't have to be heated, but they usually are.

It depends a little on what the argument is about.

I will say that, unless you're in a serious 24/7 power-exchanging relationship (like with a "slave"), I think the argument should take place outside a scene, where the two of you are equals. It's not "being weak" or "failing to be dominant" when your sub disagrees with you, especially outside a scene. Don't make the fatal mistake of thinking "I'm supposed to be the authority and therefore what I say goes." A good authority figure (dom) considers what everyone wants, not just his own desires. Try to find a compromise, and don't let a fat head spoil your relationship. A good sub wants to make you happy, even at some cost to herself/himself -- they usually don't drive a hard bargain. If they're telling you "no" (e.g. "I can't deepthroat", "I don't want to do anal", etc.), then you might be coming up on a hard limit. Those things can change, but usually don't.

Try to take the other person's perspective in the argument. Can you understand what they're feeling? Does their argument make sense?

Remember, in a relationship argument, the goal isn't to "win" the argument, but to resolve the conflict.

[Sett]

okay, i may have worded that a little wrong.
Let's consider a fight "won" if both parties agree on a compromise and everyone is 51%+ happy...

We're not in a D/s Relationship, though we are considering a Contract (turns out 50 shades was a smart gift after all), plus, somehow, she willfully claims such things like "it's your decision, i have no say in that" - which annoys the hell out of me...

I don't know. Recently we are basically arguing about arguing. I consider myself to be a mirror person (reflexive-transitive personality, or something like that). So all she really needs is to say "okay, sh*t happens, let's move on" and smile, but i can't convey that fact to here no matter how hard i try.

Another thing is, i'm pretty sure i'm doing something wrong, but she won't/can't tell me what, and i simply can't figure it out...

I don't know. Some days it's just fun and laughs, and other days she's just grumpy for no apparent reason, and all my efforts to cheer heer up are in vain, and eventually a don't have the power to smile at her with no effect and i turn grumpy too. Of course, it's kind of downwards spiral from there...

[Snoopy76]

Trying to find a way to help you Sett from a woman's pov but am getting confused!

The title is arguments and BDSM, so my initial thought agrees with the other posters that your sexual preferences are only relevant in the sexual side of your relationship, however much I may be feeling submissive does not mean I want nor will let my bf walk all over me from a real world perspective as we are both adults with opinions and rights.

Can understand how infuriating comments like "its your decision etc " can be, guess you need to look at the evidence she has for such a comment and whether it is true or whether she is trying to provoke a reaction from you by saying such a thing. Women can do this at times! (shocking I know!) And as for being grumpy, we all have bad days, maybe you are reading too much in to it that it is something to do with you or maybe she is desperately trying to get your attention to discuss and resolve.

Guess you just need to sit down and have some open & honest communication about how you both feel.

Snoopy x

[Sett]

Well, i certainly don't intend to "walk all over her", in fact outside of sex i don't expect much more than the ability to teach her to, say, avoid sneering comments... I can't really imagine her being anything else, but my equal. But we are not there, yet.

I don't think she does it on purpose, she's not that malicious...
Maybe i'm really just overthinking it?

[Nezhul]

I don't know. Some days it's just fun and laughs, and other days she's just grumpy for no apparent reason, and all my efforts to cheer heer up are in vain, and eventually a don't have the power to smile at her with no effect and i turn grumpy too. Of course, it's kind of downwards spiral from there...

You shouldn't expect the person close to you to always be in a good mood. For one thing life is really complicated. And another thing is some people (girls especially) sometimes have mood spikes for no apparent reason. Maybe the weather is bad or faze of the moon is wrong or whatever. You shouldn't take it personally and try to figure out what you are doing wrong.
You may ask her if there's something wrong with your behaviour, pointing out that no matter what is it you don't promice to change it all right away, and you won't feel hurt about it. Prepare yourself the same way also. If she says everything's ok then you have nothing to worry.

I'll tell you what. There's never too people that are ideally matched and have no complaints about each other. Like look at yourself - you are complaining about her being grumpy. That's fine. There's bound to be something you do "Wrong" in her eyes, and it's fine too. You should rather think about HOW wrong is it, and the fact that she stays with you and don't call you looser every other day prooves that she's happy with you.

[Sett]

Thanks Nez, that's actually quite comforting.
And thanks to all of you guys and girls

[tcml82s]

Nezhul said it very well and thoroughly, but I just thought I'd put my 2 cents in as well.

Having lived for a couple of years in a sort of mass of polyamorous relations, some of them being associated with BDSM, some being vanilla, I've gotten used to conflicts and how to handle them. SexualChoc posted a very good link to an article - that actually said all the things I wanted to and some more I hadn't come around to yet - which, among other very useful things, stated that "remember you love the person you’re having a conflict with". I think that should be the key.

I don't exactly know how relationships with a slave in them work, but I would assume they would be based on interaction and mutual agreement, as any other relationship. Meaning that any parties involved should be getting what they want. If the balance is shaken and not all the parties involved feel included in the right way, I would hope there would be a discussion about what everyone feels comfortable with. I have hard time believing that there's any kind of healthy Owner/slave relationship that doesn't evolve along time. And evolving a relationship, in my opinion, takes conversation. And not a heated conversation.

edit: edited "healthy" just before "Owner/slave"