FB: Snapshot

[hermes]

This was my first attempt at writing a tease so any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[Nezhul]

spoilers in the spoiler.

Spoiler: show

FIrst edge is too soon. Basically 25 slow strokes and then you are asked to edge, which for me basically means stroke at least 1-2 minutes, if i'm in a good mood, and more if I'm not, while staring at 1 single picture. And that's boring. For the future, try to have the player stroking at lease 3-4 minutes before asking to edge.

Also, as far as the tease goes, some interaction is appreciated. Some kind of intro with some sweet-talk that gets you going and make you want do things for her.

As for the sounds I would recommend using something less high-pitched. For me this tinkling sound is just a bit too distractive, and I did have to turn the sound down on my PC, which is not good. I actually think that sounds are better be quiet than loud. not that anyone will ahve a hearing problem, because it's the only thing you ehar anyway.

There is a task where you have stroking RIGHT after edging, and fast stroking at that. Not a good descision, because it will fail a lot of players due to natural reasons. Most men can't hold the edge while stroking fast. I count that as a flaw. (edge before the last one)

Ruined orgasm thing made a bit bad. How shall I put it? If I was playing it, I would either enjoyed my orgasm or did put my hands off before slipping OVER. I can ruin it if I want, but the instruction wasn't clear. Either way would be disappointment when I read the whole thing. I would say you should change the last page to "Ruin it" or something.

oh yea! Make a thumbnail for it! It's done in the media section of a tease editor. You select 1 image and press the button "set as thumbnail". Nothing ruins the sucess rate of a good tease as the lack of thumbnail.

Other than that seems like a really good work.

Great selection of pictures. I was writing this WHILE the tease plays at the background, but I didn't notice a transaction between picture sets. It's always better to somehow EXPLAIN how you ended up in a different enviroment and her being in a different clothes.

The text is well thought and good written. Nothing fancy, but good.

Well done, and hope your next one will be even better. I will give it a 5, even though there are flaws, because it is really among the good ones.

[Nezhul]

by the way, what's the name of the model?

[hermes]

Thank you very much for the detailed feedback Nezhul, it's greatly appreciated.
To answer your question, the model is Sandy. The following is a link to her profile page on her own site.
http://clubsandy.com/model/Sandy/1/

[curiousSK]

I loved the images used for the first set, i love this kind of wear. for me, i agree with the first edge being too soon. Additionally, although i'm glad the metronome isn't the same as many of the other flash teases use, I personally didn't like the sound of it - This is a really minor issue, but something that bugged me a little..

Overall i think it was a fantastic tease, and a great first attempt... please keep up the good work!