Why so much Dominance

[book_guy]

Some thoughts about people who may feel they are "naturally" submissive or dominant:

I find that recently, I've gotten pretty turned off by how heavily fem-domme the teases are here. And it also seems to me that much of my recent internet travels and searches have turned up a great deal of female dominance over males, more than would be appropriate for my own enjoyment. What gives? Is the internet itself growing more fem-domme, or am I just searching for different things lately? I have noticed that I do like being "instructed" to whack it this way or that way -- the Cock Hero videos are a GREAT resource for that kind of stimulation -- but that I don't like being "dominated."

Examples. This is good for me: "yes, stroke it this way. Use your hand to do this or that. Try to hold out, but stroke this fast. Do this. Do that." On the other hand, this is bad for me: "you little worm, don't stroke it that way. You are an idiot. Admit that I am your great and superior Mistress and you are just an insignificant man. Now take your dick out and stroke it like this, worm." They're almost identical, but the first one seems "affirming" and positive, to me. I like the first one, and get bored or even annoyed with the second one.

I guess I'm just not naturally submissive. I never wanted to submit to a domme, but I can't find instructions from people who don't get dominant!

Now, please understand, I don't want to discredit other people who enjoy being dominated. If a guy feels like this is an enjoyable experience for him (is "enjoyable" the right word?), and he actively seeks it out, I hope he does seek it out and enjoy it! I have no problem with him seeking to fulfill that instinctive desire. That's what this fun is all about! I hope everyone feels free to enjoy (or, to "fulfill") whatever desire they wish to fulfill, in a safe and respectful way.

But for me? I think being dominated just doesn't seem to do it for me. I am often disappointed at the messages that instruct me to realize how "little" or "insignificant" I am. If a tease, or an Erotic Hypnosis session, is taking great care to effect this dominance, I won't usually enjoy it much. Sometimes if the pictures of the girl are hot enough, I can indeed get off anyway. But it's not because of me being "told" to get off and be submissive or subservient to my mistress. Rather, it's because I'm able to ignore the otherwise distracting domination act.

Well, the reason I post here, is to ask, do you people think I'm being honest with myself, missing out on something, or is this just my natural response? I am looking through webteases and Erotic Hypnosis sessions trying to find those which treat me less as a submissive to the Mistress. But I find it difficult to find items with that kind of flavor. And if you think about it, it makes sense: a system created on some kind of internet media which is designed to make me (or any other user) enjoy himself, has taken charge. It speaks to what you "should" do, and therefore has some kind of "inherent" dominance to it.

I wonder if there's a way out of this double-bind. On the one hand, I want teases and Ero-Hyp that "tell" me what to do. But on the other hand, I don't want to be told too much of what to do, because I don't enjoy being dominated that much. Here's something (below) I almost put in the "webtease requests" thread, that got me started thinking about this:

I think my requests in this thread will not follow the mainstream of Milovana users, because I don't partake of the same kind of desire to be dominated, but here goes:

I'd like more Cock-Hero type videos in which the video has

1. stroke-meters and other instructions about when and how to stimulate myself
(for example, not just the rhythm to which one should stroke, but instructions as to the varieties of types of stroking -- hard, soft, only on the shaft, only on the head, both hands, one hand, the other hand, balls, etc.)

2. young looking, innocent looking, or "teen appearance" girls with natural bodies, of the type who tend to show up on domai.com or metart.com; not giant bolt-on tits, not MILF with whangers or women who have mastered the "trampy" appearance (although an innocent girl inside a slutty outfit is an exciting scene!)

3. no humiliation, no cum-eating instructions, no domination by the woman trying to make me "feel weak" or feel overpowered by her; rather, the only "dominance" that the tease takes, is when it "tells" me how to stroke; basically, it's ONLY a (rather elaborate) stroke-meter

And here's a paragraph I recently posted in a thread on Ero-Hyp"

I am disappointed that so much of what is available in Ero-Hyp seems to border on the domination or even the humiliation fantasy. I don't generally get off to being dominated, and I really dislike humiliation and cum-eating instructions (that's just gross ... very non-erotic for me). So I have to hunt and peck through the Ero-Hyp offerings just to find the right kind for me in the first place. If anyone knows some good cuts, I might have them on a hard drive somewhere. I have purchased or traded for a wide range of Nikki Fatale and Isabella Valentine selections in the past, but you have to listen to the whole thing just to find out what the content is, so I don't know whether some are necessarily non-humiliating or not.

Anyone else feel like this? Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[johnsmith3x]

If all you want is guided masturbation, then it's okay to know that (there's a term for it). I think the excess of things that fit into "femdom" comes from the fact that in traditional sex, the male role is dominant (and I mean extremely dominant). Women in American culture are taught to be ashamed of their bodies from an early age, since there's always something "wrong" with them (too fat, too thin, small tits, too much/too little ass). It is difficult to "explore alternatives" where the male role is in power simply because that is the status quo. For a male-dominance fetish, the male has to be extremely dominant, or it isn't thought of as particularly fetishistic.

[Bandit224]

I don't really have a problem with the amount of femdom is in Milovana at all. Everyone has different tastes. Although I don't cum-eat and I get angered by extreme humiliation (especially cuckolding). I just ignore those teases, and find stuff that I enjoy, which Milovana has lots of good stuff.

[Incubo]

Makes sense to me, at least in the sense that the teases do little for me on a sexual level either as I'm not submissive either.

However, the fact that there is so much of it around here, really isn't that suprising at all when you consider the predominant audience here is after all, submissive males. There's a little bit of just about everything else around here as well and you see some of those teases pop up now and then, but the lion's share of teases are targetted to the largest audience. Just sort of makes sense to me I guess. Like a few others, I enjoy a good story rather than a list of chores, but I know that mindset simply isn't the majority opinion. So there aren't going to be an awful lot of those kinds of teases. :shrugs: Not the first time the majority doesn't agree with me. I'm sure it won't be the last either.

Like Indy mentioned though...it's cyclical. These things tend to run much like fashion fads. They come and they go. When I first started hanging around the site everything seemed to revolve around CBT. It was hard to find a tease that didn't have it. Now...it's still around, but not quite as prevalent as it used to be. I suspect this will be the same thing. It'll fade eventually in favor of the "new" fad.

[isaccs77]

Chiming in to echo the comments posted here, and to affirm that there is nothing "wrong" with your preference. I, too, am put-off by the excessive verbal humiliation, and tend to ignore those types of teases. Many of the clock/timer/meter teases have a more masturbation encouragement focused theme. I think you need to just redefine your search perameters.

Also, there are several good videos beyond this site with positive instructors (tara tainton is the most effective, in my mind). Look for some of those, too.

[les]

We must remember we are at the whim of the tease creators.

There is a thread to request teases or you can produce your own.

At the very least vote for what you like in the teases and the TOTMs.

[Goddess Josephine]

Female domination is popular, for sure. I think that a lot of people forget that the best way to control a man is to own his desire no matter what that means. I enjoy the hardcore femdom stuff the most but also enjoy the cock control, tease and denial, etc etc. Its just a matter of my mood that day and the person I'm playing with.

[book_guy]

Wow, thanks for all the thoughtful replies, folks! Good forum ...

So, I've been trying to search, but I am not really coming up with the right kind of hits. Thanks for the "guided masturbation" phraseology, in specific. I'd never used that exact language before. I have learned that "jerk off encouragement" and "jerk off instruction" (or, replace "jerk" with "jack"; or, replace "jerk off" with "masturbation") are good phrases for Google and other search engines (don't forget to turn off the Safe-Search option! ). But I've gotten so specific, that my searching is elaborate enough to resemble one of those old Cobol or C-Plus Reg-Ex type strings! Yet I'm still not finding the "right" match. Do people have links to more "guided masturbation"-oriented teases, vids, porn (here at Milovana or not)?

Another thing that's interesting, is this social theory. I once heard (but fuggiffiknow where) that your preference for dominance or submission in sex can reflect the opposite of your experience in the rest of your life. In specific, I think the theory was, that people who prefer to BE dominated during sexual fantasies (presuming, that they have a safe environment and logistical setting in which they can explore those fantasies) are generally people who have to DO a lot of dominating in their non-sexual "regular" daily life, to the point that they're frustrated or unhappy with the amount of dominance that they "have to" take up during those non-sexual activities; whereas, people whose fantasies are about DOING the dominating, are people who are frustrated with the fact that they have little control or power over other people in any other arena, and therefore it's very invigorating for them to act out a little bit of power when they're free to be (safely?) sexual. Maybe even the desire to rape, and otherwise dominate, might fit into this theory. I have heard that rape, and rape-fantasies, are not necessarily so much about sexual gratification as about power. I wonder if that's entirely true. These social theories are always more speculation than science, even when masquerading as scientifically provable.

Personally, I don't really have fantasies about doing the dominating. But, as discussed above, I also don't really have fantasies about being dominated. I like being instructed, and I like the "athletic" or "guided" nature of some of the contests that we're talking about. Mostly, though, I like young girls' bodies. The big thing that turns me on more than anything else, is the sight and sound of youthful femininity. Often it doesn't matter what she's doing, I just want her to be proportional, with firm non-sagging adipose tissue. I think I've always felt a lack of access in my "real" life, to women who are "hot enough" that they would actually stimulate me. I have had girlfriends, and have carried on successful longer-term relationships that were sexual with those women, but I've always been disappointed by those women's appearances, and I always wondered why I "wasn't allowed" to meet women who looked as good, in my perception, as Hollywood starlets look. Where are they? Why do I see them on the street but can't meet them in class, or in my social circle, or at a bar? They're always on the OTHER side of the room dangit, and I don't know what to DO, to bring the two of us together, aside from just the outright direct approach (which I don't have trouble with trying; but ultimately it hasn't ever worked with any of these women when I do it, so I need a better tactic). Well, that's a whole 'nother ball o' wax to examine, but, it does kind of dove-tail with my interest in being "instructed." Just tell me what to do, dangit, and I'll get in there and have a positive experience, but please stop changing the rules, or telling me to do X when you only respond positively to Y, etc.. Drat it all, I've been fighting this same frustration for over twenty years now!

Ah me, sorry, now I'm venting. I think I need to go exercise. Yall have a nice cold January elsewhere from the nice warm city where I live.

[book_guy]

We must remember we are at the whim of the tease creators.
There is a thread to request teases or you can produce your own.
At the very least vote for what you like in the teases and the TOTMs.

Thanks for your thoughts, Les. Reading that very thread which you link, is precisely what instigated me to start thinking about these subjects and therefore to start this thread.

[les]

2012 Daily Jerk off instruction, Handjob & CFNM videos

[SissyTashi]

There also seems to be some conflating between "Femdom" and "Humiliation".

Femdom is, quite simply, the woman being in charge. Her guiding your masturbation/orgasms *is* femdom. Her saying things like "You pathetic little stroker worm, lick the mud off my shoes" is *also* Femdom, but more of the humiliation kind.

[Human]

http://secrets.malesubmissionart.com/po ... missive-id

[book_guy]

2012 Daily Jerk off instruction, Handjob & CFNM videos

Thanks for the effort, Les. I've BTDT ... but it's a good resource, nevertheless.

There also seems to be some conflating between "Femdom" and "Humiliation".

Femdom is, quite simply, the woman being in charge. Her guiding your masturbation/orgasms *is* femdom. Her saying things like "You pathetic little stroker worm, lick the mud off my shoes" is *also* Femdom, but more of the humiliation kind.

http://secrets.malesubmissionart.com/po ... missive-id

Yes, excellent point, ST and H. Or maybe (hmm, thinking further) women generally don't conceive of the former without the latter. I notice that in most internet discussions, when the suggestion comes up, of a woman being "submissive" to a man, many female participants tend to assume that to cooperate with submitting to a man would be derogatory, humiliating, abasing, or otherwise not self-affirming of the woman. In other words, they tend (in my, admittedly solely internet-based and rather limited, experience) to combine "submission" with "humiliation" even when thinking of themselves as the submitting subject.

[JaceKnight]

try searching and omitting humiliation from your search. It may help.

Also I agree, I like the cock hero videos because its fun and challenging. I don't like the hey you stupid guy be my bitch and do x,y, and z.

[S.M.]

To be honest, I totally agree with book_guy and others.
I'm not turned on by all the humiliating stuff, like feet or ass licking, sniffing, spanking, beating, ....
Not at all.
But I'm still into orgasm denial, so seeing this stuff in webteases doesn't turn me on, not to say that very often it turns me OFF.
Unfortunately, 99% of webteases are literally filled with it. I have very few favorite webteases (for example: Summer at model's retreat) where the plot is based on loving or neutral relationship rather than domination.
I don't consider the femdom stuff bad though, I just think it's a matter of personal taste and preference. Most people like it, I don't, well, that's life.
Maybe it would be a good idea to to add a new tag such as "no-femdom" so that webtease writers can mark that their webtease doesn't contain any (or too much) domination, while from the readers point of view it will be easier to find such teases.

What do you think about this idea?