Reading through this breaks my heart. Mostly because I've run into this many times with my wife. I think back some times to that first year in college when we were just waiting for my roommate to leave so that we could jump each other. The blowjob she gave me in the back of her roommates car while her roommate was in the front seat driving because she hadn't seen me in two weeks. But, those times are over. Life happens, gets complicated.
We've been together for 10 years now and there have been some serious dry spells. Other things take precedence and I've spent too many nights taking care of myself. But, so far we've gotten through them. It took a lot of time. I don't mean to overstep, but it sounds like she has become complacent and I have found that to be the sex life killer. Keeping it spicy in college was easy, dorm rooms, parks, vehicles all proper shagging spots, but now its a lot harder. I know that horny girl is still in there, I've just had to start working harder to bring her out and boy is she fun when I do!
I know she is horniest in the morning and I am not a morning person, but a good way to guarantee a session is to wake her up with my hand between her legs on the weekend. Plus I love seeing how wet I can get he before she wakes up. Flowers are great, doing housework is great, but those are all just things you are supposed to do as an adult. I don't really have a suggestion on what to do to change that, just making a statement that these aren't helping you get sex.
Think back to when you first got together, was it hot and steamy? Was there a lot of sex? If there wasn't then it is pretty unrealistic to expect it now. Just like your pre-marriage BJs where she just licked the head, expecting a full on BJ now is probably not going to happen. People change, libidos change, but rarely ever in-sync.
My best advice really is quit asking for it, quit even bringing it up, that applies a lot of pressure on her. Just like a lot of women can't cum if a guy says he's going to make her cum. Next time sh's ready, try denying her; that may seem scary because that could mean 4 months with no sex, but maybe she will get the idea in her mind that sex is a two way street. And in the mean time just take care of yourself
EDIT: Whoops, minor novel coming up. My apologies over length, I have encountered situations like this before, and this is my little attempt to offer what advice I can. Please feel free to PM me if I can be of any help.
I am a firm and vocal advocate of the fact that the most important aspect of any relationship is open and honest communication. Now, you say that you've brought this issue up with her on numerous occasions, but since nothing has changed, either you've brought it up in a way that means she doesn't understand about how important it is to you, or she does understand and doesn't care. Since you've been together for 15 years and have two kids, I'm going to assume that she does care about you. If I'm wrong in this assumption, then I can't imagine a bright future for your relationship.
You've made it pretty clear to us here that what you're after is not just sex, but a feeling of mattering, of being appreciated, of being loved. It can be very difficult to hear a message like that without taking it personally, hearing "You don't appreciate me, you don't love me", which is obvisously going to move your wife closer to confrontation or rejection than an open discussion of your feelings. I think that's the intent behind a lot of the advice here for you to come at her slowly, not raising the issue, making her feel sexy and desired, etc. So that you can raise the issue without her feeling attacked. But you are right, you have a right to feeling important in your relationship as well. You need to decide how important an issue this is for you (I'm guessing from your opinions expressed here that it's fairly important), and if this is not a big issue for you, decide if it might be easier to drop it and continue with your relationship as it is.
If it is a big issue for you, and there's nothing wrong with that (You seem to have expressed some shame over wanting to feel loved and cherished, but there's no reason to. You are entirely correct when you say that it's not unreasonable to want to feel loved. There's no need to feel like there's anything "wrong" with you for this), then you need to confront her about it. Now, VERY IMPORTANT, when I say confront her about it, I don't be be aggressive or offensive or even blunt, I simply mean make sure that your situation is understood and recognized. It's good that you have tried putting this to her in a non-confrontational way, but if you have raised this with her on multiple occasions before, and she has acknowledged you and nothing has changed, then your situation has not been confronted, it has merely been ignored. Like I said above, this probably means that either she doesn't care about you, or that she does care about you but that she doesn't understand the significance of what you're saying. If you want to give her the opportunity to understand that this is not just an issue, but an issue that HAS to be dealt with, you need to talk to her again.
Other advice given here is all good about trying not to make her feel like you are attacking her, or otherwise putting her on the defensive. I would say that it is very important to continualy phrase things in terms of being about you, and your needs, not about her and her failure to meet them. There need not be any conflict here, you're not trying to fight with her and you can make that perfectly clear, but you do have an issue that you need to have dealt with.
It's like having your hand trapped in a door. It is nobody's fault that your hand is stuck there, and you aren't angry at anyone because of it. But if you can't reach the doorhandle to fix the situation, you're relying on her to help you. there's no need to try and make it sound like you aren't asking anything of her, because you are. You're asking her to pay more attention to you, to express the fact that she loves you, to make you feel special. Now, this may not require constant and exhaustive effort, and you may need to make it clear to her that you're not expecting her to wait on you hand and foot, but you are asking her to put in greater effort than she is right now. If she truly understand the situation, then she has to decide if she's willing to put in greater effort for you (and you need to decide what you're going to do if she truly isn't prepared to put in that effort for you).
Perhaps you can come up with some low-demand examples of things she could do for you that would sate your desires. Does it have to be about sex? Would it make you feel appreciated if the two of you set aside an evening to go on a date, perhaps you both got dressed up nicely and she spent the evening just with you and paying attention to you? Is the source of your upset truly sexual, or is it more about being wanted in general? If it is sexual, can you think of low-demand sexual situations that would make you feel better? Perhaps if the two of you set aside an evening one day, and she gives you a blowjob?
You say that you've talked to her about it, but that she does nothing further and you're not sure why. Then I say, you haven't talked about it enough. Don't simply tell her that you want more sex. Explain to her what is important to you, why it's important, and then ASK FOR FEEDBACK. Ask her "How do you feel about this? Do you understand why it's important to me? Can you relate to what I'm saying? Is there anything I don't do for you that you wish that I did?" Make it clear that you are not simply listing off your demands or whining at her, but trying to start a dialoge. If she doesn't want to talk about it, says she is too tired or similar, ask her when would be a good time to talk about it. Try and schdule a conversation with her about it, and stick to that schedule. It's not unreasonable to ask your wife to dedicate half an hour of her time to talk with you about an important personal issue. If she refuses, make it clear to her how important it is, and how you would feel if she feels she can't give that to you.
Now, I think it's important again to stress that while doing this, you must try and take into consideration how you are coming across to her, and her feelings in responce to what you are saying. Nothing will be accomplished if she feels you are ambushing her with frantic and unfair demands. Try and take the conversation slowly, not accusing and not overwhelming her, but don't be deterred. Don't allow this conversation to be put off indefinetly. If she can't handle any more, back off, but ask her again tomorrow "When can we finish that talk?". Don't just let it sit forgotten while you continue to suffer your emotions.
I can't tell you not to come across as demanding, because you are demanding. You are demanding that she put more effort into a particular area of your relationship. You can still be respectful and cautious and slow in making it clear what you ask her, but asking things of your wife that are of great importance to you is one of the things that marriage is about. If something is this important to you, you should be able to ask your wife to do it for you. Now, that doesn't mean you can make unreasonable demands or ignore her feelings: hopefully, the two of you will be able to reach a compromise, something you both feel comfortable doing. Don't expect that the situation will resolve itself immediately, it may take many small steps. There may be things that she asks you to do. This is all part of the give and take of a marriage. But in any marriage, it's important that there be give and take. Don't feel bad about needing some take. We are all human, and we all have needs. But it's important that your conversation gets that far. If she is totally unwilling to give you a blowjob, or perform any other act that would make you feel more loved, ask her why. It's possible that the two of you have incompatible needs. I think it much more likely that the two of you lack the experience to know how to mesh your needs properly.
Ultimately, I would recommend seeing a councillor in real life. I do a lot of councilling work myself, although obviously the internet is much more difficult for such things than face to face. It's a misnomer that people only see councillors in worst case scenarios, or at the end of a failed marriage. Frequently, issues like this can be the result of nothing more than two people with wildly different communication styles misunderstanding one another, and a well-trained councillor can act as an intermediary, translating back and forth and facillitating proper communication.
Because really, the options that you have are: resigning yourself to things never changing and continuing on the way things are, deciding that you can't stand things the way they are any more and ending your relationship, or actively trying to change things and seeking help. I don't know you well enough to know which option you will want, or evenw hich is best for you, but hopefully I have been able to offer a little advice that will help.
Thanks for your long advice.... damn what a novel :) Wise words....
I am going to try and not ask her for sex for a time....and see what that brings....
Anyakuro's post is pretty darn good and if not asking for sex does not help (honestly I'd be surprised if it did), do what he outlines. Try to talk to her, be clear about how important it is to you (and I agree completely, there is absolutely no need for you to feel ashamed for wanting to be loved, it is absolutely normal and even vital, I'd say). But also be careful, only take one step at a time and don't scare her off. And if that doesn't work then, yes, counselling. It's doubtful that the problem is just going to go away on its own and from what you describe, you're not asking for anything special but for the one of the basic foundations of a healthy relationship. You love each other, you have kids, your relationship is worth "fighting" for. Don't just resort to thinking "oh, okay, I guess I'm the one with the problem, I'll just have to make do without". Because I strongly doubt that would leave you happy.
I really hope things work out for you and your wife :)
“Shame to say, though. Lack of pussy will change even a good man's demeanor.”
Bunk Moreland (The Wire)
