Getting Started In Chat: Advice For New Users

[Alliteration]

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This post is co-authored by Snare and Alliteration.
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What is BDSM?

BDSM is going to mean many different things to different people. In the broadest sense, BDSM is just "kinky sex"; but what falls under that umbrella is going to vary too. Here are some activities that are most commonly considered BDSM:

Bondage and Discipline - This includes things such as being hogtied, being chained to a table, being spanked for misbehaving, and being gagged.

Dominance and Submission - Power exchange is key here; things such as kneeling, obeying commands, doing tasks, and being told when an orgasm is and is not allowed.

Sadism and Masochism - Pain with a sexual aspect. Whipping, flogging, caning...anything that hurts and turns you on.

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Why do people practice it?

You'll get many different answers here too. Answers will depend on the personality of the person, and on their likes/dislikes. For most serious practitioners, though, it's about far more than just sex. Common responses to the question of "why?" might include the desire to overcome personal challenges, self-improvement, a feeling of belonging or completeness, or even a semi-religious spiritual bond with other people. While there are people who are only interested in the sexual aspect, for most, that's only part of the story.

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Fantasy vs. Reality

So, keeping the previous section in mind, what do you need to know about the people in chat? Mostly, just that we take BDSM rather seriously (or at least, most of the regulars do). We have our kinky fun in chat, yes, but we do so with people we've come to know and trust.

If you are just looking to "get off" - that's fine. We all feel like that sometimes. But, the users in chat are real people. Not all of them are going to want that. Keep in mind that logging into chat for the first time, and immediately asking someone (or everyone) for a sexual encounter might not be taken too kindly. If you haven't yet tried any of the webteases on the site, I highly recommend you do so - some of them are very good.

We're real people, and we take kink seriously. Logging in and asking for sex is similar to walking into a crowded club, and asking everyone there if they would like to go back to your place for a good time, before even introducing yourself.

If, however, you also take kink seriously, we encourage you to stick around, and get to know some people in chat. If a topic of conversation comes up that interests you, jump in. If you spend a little time in chat, you'll eventually get to know us. If you get to know us, some of us might be interesting in playing with you - not as a one time deal, but something more long term. And that's far more fulfilling than just getting off and leaving. This usually takes some time, though, which leads into the next section....

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Respect

This section is all about how you find someone to play with, regardless of your personal kinks and fetishes. The same advice applies to everyone.

First and foremost - respect. Not respect in the way you might respect your best friend, or a parent, or a millionaire who gives all his money to charity; but the same basic level of respect you afford everyone you meet.

The most common issue here is people who send a private message without asking - this is similar to walking up and whispering in someone's ear. It's distracting and uncomfortable, and invades personal space. It's also against the rules of the chat.

To quote a bit of Shakespeare: "Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar." A bit of friendliness and politeness goes a long way. If you're logging into chat for the very first time, the best thing you can do is introduce yourself, the way you would when meeting someone new in real life.

After that, try to get a general feel for the room. See what people talking about, who they talk to, and how they act. Don't be afraid to ask questions, either. Eventually, you'll find yourself drawn into a conversation, and getting to know people a little better. Now you're ready to start looking for a play partner!

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Personality

Have you ever met someone boring? I mean...really, really boring? The kind of person who seems more like a mannequin?

Don't be that person.

Discussing your interests (both kinky and non-kinky) and hobbies is a great way to get to know people. Talk about NASCAR. Ask what people think about the newest video game. Heck, make a joke about quadratic equations. We're a surprisingly varied lot. Revealing who you are shows that you're an actual person, and the chances that someone will want to play is much higher if they find out they have something in common with you. It makes you real - it makes you a person.

Another good way to get to know people is to head over to our forums and make a few insightful/interesting/entertaining posts before coming to chat. Many of us read the forums regularly, and if you've said something substantial (i.e. something more than "I agree", or "these are some good cheese fries") there, we'll probably want to discuss it with you.

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How to find a dom/me (for subs)

So, you've come a long way - you logged into chat, you introduced yourself, and you got to know some people. Maybe you even have a few people you would call friends. Now what? Isn't something sexual what you're here for? How do you go about asking someone if they want to play without coming off as a pervert, or desperate? It's quite simple: Just ask.

Once you've gotten to know us, you'll have a much better sense of who might be interested in finding someone to play with; and more importantly, who might be interested in playing with *you*. As long as you're polite, it's perfectly ok to ask; something like this is a good example: "so...we seem to like similar things. Maybe we could play sometime?"

Of course, this is all assuming that the dom/me you're seeking doesn't ask you first - which happens far more often than you might think.

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How to find a sub (for dom/mes)

Many things from the previous section apply here; but there are a few key differences. In most cases, the dom/me is going to be the one doing the asking. Don't put out a general "Who wants to sub to me?"; ask people individually, and only people who actually interest you.

Also keep in mind this: while a sub usually only has one dom/me, it's not uncommon for a dom/me to have two or more subs - so finding someone who's free or available might take a bit longer. Be patient - good things come to those who wait.

So, to sum everything up:

- Follow the chat rules.
- Respect other users.
- Have a personality.
- Take your time.
- And finally....have fun!

[SexualChoc]

to sum up:

log -on
say hello/hi or some greeting
and don't type anything for a bit and watch conversations
look for who is the Dom/dommes and who are subbies.

Do NOT just log on (stroll in) saying "Hi I want someone to tease me.."
this maybe an appropriate question but Timing of When you ask is important!

Know this different Dom/dommes we (me included)
all have different styles and was of talking it is good to get to know us first.

[shell]

Awesome post!!! *Smile*

[Banquo]

anyone else think this should be pinned

[les]

I also think it should be
Prominently pinned to/in the chat lobby.

Perhaps in a shortened form with clear hyperlinks to expand individual parts.