"Alice in Underland"

[Susan Strict]

A bit of fun, from a collection of my stories published some years ago.


With apologies to Lewis Caroll…

Alice, now celebrating her 18th birthday, finds herself back in Underland.
It hasn't changed. Much…



"Off with his trousers," screamed the Queen.

"Don't you mean 'off with his head'?" asked the King nervously.

"Where's the fun in that?" demanded the Queen, and settled herself comfortably onto the upturned face of one of her courtiers.

"You see, my dear," said the Cheshire Cat to Alice, "They're all quite mad, and so are you."

"You said that last time," Alice reminded him, "And it's not true."

"Will you sit on me?" asked the Cat.

"Certainly not," said Alice primly. "I'd squash you."

"You see?" said the Cat with a winning grin, "You're mad. No woman around here would turn down an offer like that."

"I just don't understand any of this," said Alice shaking her head. "Nothing is making any sense at all."

"It will all become clear when you've been here for a while," the Cat told her confidently. "I expect you're changing already."

"I'm most certainly not changing," Alice retorted angrily. "I'm just me."

"You're not, you know. I bet you can't remember anything you were taught at school," said the Cat, grinning again. "Recite 'How Doth The Little Busy Bee'."

Alice thought for a moment, for she was sure she remembered the poem well. She started:

"How doth the little face-sitter
Improve her stunning tail,
And without favour, never bitter,
She sits on every male!
How cheerfully she seems to grin,
How neatly spreads her fanny,
And welcomes helpless faces in
With skill that's quite uncanny."

"Oh dear," said Alice, "I'm sure that's not right."

"Not right at all," agreed the Cheshire Cat happily. "You're changing surely enough, but I must disappear. I don't suppose I could convince you to change your mind? About the sitting, I mean?"

Before Alice had the time to even shake her head, the Cat had gone.

"Quite sure?" said a voice, and Alice saw that the Cat's head had reappeared in mid-air beside her. "Just my head, if you like," it went on. "The rest of me is busy."

"Absolutely not. I'm not…" but it was too late. The Cat's head had vanished, leaving behind it nothing but an expression of disappointment.

Alice was, for the moment, alone (except for the Queen, the King and the hundreds of courtiers, none of whom took the slightest notice of her).

"Intriguinger and intriguinger," said Alice aloud. Now she was an adult, she had decided it felt far more grown-up to use the word 'intriguing' than to use a word like 'curious'.

"Immoraller and immoraller, if you ask me."

Alice gave a little squeal and jumped at least six inches off the ground. "Where did you come from?" she asked. "I didn't hear you coming. I didn't expect you at all!"

"Ah," said the Duchess. "No one expects me. I'm like the Spanish inquisition, see?"

In fact, Alice thought she did see. "But isn't that something else…?"

The Duchess was nodding vigorously. "Pythonesque," she confirmed. "A bit like pepper."

Now Alice really was lost. "Sergeant Pepper?" she guessed.

"What are you talking about?" demanded the Duchess loudly. "I said 'pepper': that stuff my cooks uses a lot of. I put it between my legs. That soon stops them. They don't say "Sit on my face and tell me you love me" twice, I can tell you."

Alice was appalled. "But doesn't it itch?" she asked. "I mean, putting pepper there must feel awful…"

"Nonsense," said the Duchess. "There's nothing like it. I'll still be using pepper when I'm sixty-four. Now, where's that cook? I need some more pepper and always she's leaving home just when she should be fixing a hole and I need a little help from my friends. I can't stay around here all day talking to you. I bet she's up the Abbey Road so good morning, good morning to you."

With that, the Duchess elbowed her way past Alice, muttered something about it getting better if only the cook stopped thinking everything was for the benefit of Mr Kite, and strode off scattering courtiers left and right as she went.

Alice shook her head and walked away, ignoring mutterings from all sides from despondent courtiers and their barely audible entreaties for Alice to sit on them. She wandered for quite some time, wondering to herself whether she should have ever come back to Underland. It all seemed so different to when she had been here all those years ago.

"One side makes you dominant, the other makes you submissive," said a voice.

Alice looked up, startled. In front of her was a huge mushroom, and on top of the huge mushroom was a large caterpillar smoking the same hookah he had been smoking all those years ago when she last saw him. An aromatic odour reached Alice, and immediately she recognised it.

"At least you haven't changed," she said. "You're just the same, and still off your head on that stuff you're smoking. I should have realised that when I saw you before."

"Actually," the caterpillar replied as though he had not heard a word she said, "It's not true. Both sides make you stoned. It's a magic mushroom, you see, but I expect you know that. You didn't really think it was making you bigger or smaller, did you?"

Alice was a little taken aback. "I hadn’t thought about it," she admitted.

"Please yourself," said the caterpillar grumpily. "I'm off."

'I do wish they wouldn't keep going off before I've had a chance to talk to them properly,' said Alice to herself as she watched the caterpillar wriggle unsteadily into the trees. 'Perhaps if I could find the Gryphon or the Mock Turtle then I might have some more success. They seemed by far the most talkative of all the people and creatures around here last time."

"I like talking to you," came a voice that Alice was almost sure was the Cheshire Cat's. She searched about for him, and had almost given up when she spotted his large grin hanging just above a branch on a nearby tree.

"You're always grinning," she told him, trying very hard not to smile herself.

"Hang on," the Cat said. "Wait until my ears have appeared. I can't hear you without them."

Alice waited patiently until the Cat's ears were fully visible.

"That's better," said the Cat. "You were saying?"

"I was just saying that you're always grinning," Alice told him.

"I was thinking of you," the Cat replied.

"I don't believe you," retorted Alice. "There's nothing of you here except a smile and your ears, so if you're somewhere else you must be thinking of something else."

"Partly true," the Cat admitted, "But I was thinking of those legs of yours around my ears, so can you wonder that I was smiling?"

Alice stamped her foot, folded her arms and turned her back on him.

"I love an angry woman," said the Cat hopefully.

Alice strode purposefully away, and kept striding in the hope of finding the Gryphon or the Mock Turtle. As it happened, she ran into the March Hare first.

"Hello," said Alice cautiously. "Did you finish your tea party?"

"Finish?" asked the March Hare. "It hardly even started. I blame the Hatter. He's quite mad, you know. It was his fault the Queen couldn't find the dormouse. I told him over and over again not to put the dormouse into the teapot."

"Why did the Queen want the dormouse?" Alice asked out of politeness, although she was quite sure she would not like the answer.

The March Hare shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he said. "Maybe she wanted to sit on him. When she couldn't find him she sat on the Hatter instead. It took him weeks to mend all his hats."

"Why didn't he take off the hats first?" asked Alice.

The March Hare looked at her as though she was mad. "What sort of Hatter takes off his hats?" he asked. "Anyway, it was still tea time, so he couldn't."

"Why…" began Alice, but the March Hare interrupted her.

"Why can't you start a sentence with any word other than 'why'"?

"Why should I?" retorted Alice.

"Why shouldn't you?" asked the March Hare. "That is the question."

"You do it," Alice pointed out.

"Ah, no," said the March Hare. "I don't do it. They all do it to me."

"This conversation is going nowhere," said Alice in despair. "I don't suppose you would tell me what they all do to you?"

"No," said the March Hare. "And yes. Do you want to do it to me too?"

"Do what?" asked Alice. "I suppose you mean do I want to sit on you?"

"I hadn't thought of that," the March Hare replied. "Do you?

Alice resisted the temptation to reply 'Do I what?' Instead she said, "I must be going."

"It's still tea time," said the March Hare hopefully, "And I'm still quite mad, and so are you."

"Quite probably," Alice agreed. "That's the first sensible thing you've said since I met you."

"You denied it last time," the March Hare told her.

"It was a long time ago," Alice replied.

"It wasn't," said the March Hare, looking at his watch. "By my watch it was definitely at tea time. That's a nice dress you're wearing."

"What has my dress to do with anything?" asked Alice, confused.

"If you sat on me it might have something to do with it," the March Hare suggested hopefully. "You brought up the subject so…"

His voice tailed off as he stared into space. "Who owns that grin?" he asked. "Have you ever sat on a grin?"

"It might be the Cheshire Cat," said Alice. "He keeps appearing. I think he is still hoping I might sit on him. And I didn't bring up the subject of sitting."

"I suppose it just came up on its own," observed the March Hare. "Things do, you know. If you do have a mania about sitting on things, I wouldn't recommend sitting on a cat. You don't know where he's been sitting. Don't believe the stories."

"Stories?" asked Alice.

"You must have heard them. 'The Cat Sat on the Mat', they say. You would be mad to believe a word of it. It's complete fiction."

"I'm sure it is," Alice agreed vaguely. "I have no intention of sitting on anyone or anything."

The March Hare looked sceptically at her.

"Apart from a chair, or something like that," added Alice hurriedly.

"I'd make a good chair," the March Hare told her confidentially. "Or a good bed. I'm flexible, you see."

"I'm sure you are," said Alice, not listening to the March Hare at all as the distant sounds of "Off with his trousers" drifted faintly to her ears. "I think I should be going."

"Didn't you say you wanted a good conversation?" asked the March Hare sadly.

"No." Alice shook her head. "I said I wished people wouldn't keep going off before I've had a chance to talk to them properly, and I didn't say it to you."

"You're going off," pointed out the March Hare.

"Have you anything else to say?" asked Alice.

"No," said the March Hare. "Nothing at all."

"Then why would I stay?" asked Alice.

"Because you can always say more than nothing," said the March Hare. "It's saying less than nothing that is really difficult."

"Politicians manage it all the time," Alice pointed out.

"Of course," agreed the March Hare. "Once they have a Seat in the House it's all down from there. Talking of seats, I wonder…?"

"No," said Alice. "I'm not going to sit on you."

"I wasn't going to ask you to sit on me," said the March Hare with a pained expression. "I was only wondering if you've seen the Hatter yet?"

"Not since I was last here," said Alice.

"At tea time, you mean?"

"Yes," agreed Alice wearily, "At tea time."

"It's still tea time," said the March Hare.

"So you said," said Alice, "It's very confusing."

"No it's not," contradicted the March Hare.

"I do wish people wouldn't keep contradicting me," said Alice.

"They don't," said the March Hare.

"You just did," said Alice.

"They wouldn't contradict you if you sat on them," said the March Hare. "They wouldn't be able to contradict."

"I told you, I'm not sitting on anyone," said Alice, becoming really exasperated.

"You never told me that," said the March Hare calmly. "You should try and remember what you have told me. It's very rude, not keeping track of your conversation and contradicting yourself like that."

Alice turned her back on him furiously. She started to walk away. The March Hare called after her.

"Aren't you going to help me take the dormouse out of the teapot? He's been in there a very long time?

Alice remembered the little dormouse and really felt quite sorry for him. She stopped and started to turn back.

"You can sit on him once we have taken him out," said the March Hare encouragingly.

Alice carried on walking without another backward glance.

"Twinkle, twinkle," sang the March Hare after her. "All over the dormouse…"

The sound of his voice faded into the distance as Alice lengthened her strides away from him without the faintest idea where she was going.

By pure chance, Alice did encounter the Gryphon and the Mock Turtle who were sitting together on a rock with the Carpenter seated on a nearby boulder. They were all singing mournfully.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To sit on many things,
Like shoes and ships and sealing wax
And cabbages and kings,
And anything that squirms a bit
And anything with wings."

"Does everyone here have this obsession with sitting on things," asked Alice, more than a little put out to find that these too appeared to be fixated on the same subject.

"No," said the Carpenter.

"Yes," said the Gryphon.

"It depends on your point of view," said the Mock Turtle.

"Look at Old Father William," pointed out the Gryphon.

Alice vaguely remembered something about Old Father William, and was sure she would regret asking, but she asked anyway.

"What about Old Father William?"

"I'll tell you later," said the Gryphon vaguely. "It's time to lament the submissive."

All three of them rose from their seats on the rocks and joined hands. Once again they began to sing, performing a slow dance at the same time. Alice looked on in frustration.

"Will you sit a little harder?"
To his Mistress said a male
"If you've had enough of sitting -
Would you like to pull my 'tail'?
Just how eagerly I lie
And just how readily submit -
You can take me as you like
So won't you sit a little bit?
Will you, won't you, will you,
Won't you, will you sit a little more?
Will you, won't you, will you,
Won't you, won't you sit a little more?

"You really have no notion
How delightful it would be
If you sat a little harder
And completely smothered me."
But the woman replied, "Too much, too far"
And "I've had enough of sitting".
She said, "Thank you for offer
But I'll go back to my knitting!"
Would not, could not, would not,
Could not, would not sit some more.
Would not, could not, would not,
Could not, could not sit some more.

"What matters it how far we go?"
Her submissive friend replied,
"It makes us more aroused, you know,
Than anything we've tried.
The deeper 'tween your legs I am
The more intense my love -
So punish me again, please Ma'am,
And smother me from above.
Will you, won't you, will you,
Won't you, will you sit on me again?
Will you, won't you, will you,
Won't you, won't you sit on me again?

As the three sat down, apparently exhausted by the effort of their dance, Alice moved a little closer.

"Ah yes, my dear," said the Mock Turtle. "Won't you take a seat? You can have your choice, although if I were you I wouldn't sit on the Gryphon. He's moulting, I think, and there's always so much trouble when his scales end up where they're not supposed to go."

"I'll stand, thank you," said Alice hastily. "But I suppose I could sit on one of the rocks."

At that, the Gryphon jumped up, his exhaustion apparently forgotten. He put up his hands in absolute despair.

"That's what She said," he announced unhappily. "And look where it got Her."

"Who?" asked Alice.

"Tell her about Old Father William," advised the Mock Turtle. "Then she might understand."

The Gryphon turned to Alice. "I did promise I would tell you later, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did," agreed Alice.

"He was old," said the Gryphon, and sat down on the rock again.

"Is that all?" Alice asked.

The Mock Turtle sprang to his feet. "ALL?" he shouted. "All? All, she says, all? Have you any idea what it is to be old?"

"Uh… well, no, I haven't," confessed Alice. "But I'm afraid I don't see what makes it relevant to…"

"I'll explain," said the Carpenter who until now had not spoken directly to Alice.

"No, I'll explain," said the Gryphon, and promptly sat down, turned his face to the sea and seemed to have no intention of explaining anything.

"We could all explain," said the Mock Turtle helpfully after a long pause.

They all stood up, and Alice knew they were going to sing once more even before they had uttered the first word.


"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet girls incessantly sit on your head -
Do you think at your age it is right?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
They can do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "As I mentioned before,
And you wheeze and you pant when you stumble;
Yet they cut off your air for two minutes or more
And not once do you protest or grumble."

"In my youth," said the old man, and shook his grey hair,
"I would practise all day with my wife,
And control of my breathing I learned while down there
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "And your muscles are weak -
When you eat you can hardly get through it.
Yet your tongue and your lips can still make a girl shriek -
Tell me: how do you manage to do it?

"In my youth," said his father, "I was silent in awe
Of the inspiring power of my wife.
So the energy saved never opening my jaw
Has just lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "I could hardly suppose
That your mind's as inventive as ever;
Yet the squeals of joy that I hear from your girls -
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father, "You're just a disgrace.
At your age you should already know all that stuff -
Go! Find a woman to sit on your face!"


There was silence as they bowed to each other and then sat down, looking meaningfully at Alice.

"See?" said the Gryphon after a while.

"Yes," said Alice. "I mean, no. It doesn't seem to be relevant to anything, really."

"That's just because you're…" started the Mock Turtle, but broke off as a terrible commotion came to their ears.

"It's Her," said the Carpenter. "I'm off."

All three jumped up and ran away as fast as their legs would carry them.

"Wait," cried Alice. "Wait a moment. I need to know…"

"We meet again, " said the Duchess. "You didn't expect that either, I suppose?"

"Yes. No. Hello." Alice was flustered. "What's going on now?"

"A race," said the Duchess confidentially. "A race between the Queen and I. I could win, of course, but I won't. She wouldn't like that."

"What's the point of a race if you don't try to win?" asked Alice, looking doubtfully at the rather stout Duchess and wondering whether she was really capable of running anywhere let alone beating the Queen to the winning post.

"It's a smother race," said the Duchess without much enthusiasm.

"A what?"

"A smother race," confirmed the Duchess. "The winner is the first to smother ten of the Queen's courtiers to unconsciousness. Personally I can't be bothered, but the Queen is very keen on that sort of thing."

"I thought… what about pepper?"

"I couldn't find the cook," said the Duchess sadly. "Perhaps it was as well. When the Queen insists on this sort of event I really can't be bothered with one man after another sneezing desperately between my legs until he passes out. It's so unladylike, don't you agree?"

"Yes, I suppose so," Alice nodded.

The Duchess gave her a friendly punch on the shoulder. "You're learning," she said approvingly. "Now keep your head down, unless you want to be part of this race too."

Alice looked worriedly over her shoulder, prepared to duck and hide if there was any possibility that the Queen might make her join in. It was too late.

"You there!" the Queen's voice rang out stridently.

"Me?" Alice quivered.

"Yes, you. Are you ready?"

"Ready for what?" asked Alice, fearing that she already knew the answer.

"The race, of course," said the Queen.

"I can't…" Alice's voice faltered. "I've never..."

"Nonsense. Of course you can," the Queen insisted in a voice that made it quite clear any refusal would be pointless. "As it's you, I'll make it easy for you. You can start with the White Rabbit. He's nice and soft."

Alice noticed the White Rabbit was trying to hide behind one of the larger courtiers. The Queen spotted him too.

"Come here," she ordered, fixing the unfortunate rabbit with a steely stare.

"Please, your Majesty," the White Rabbit stammered. "Please, your Majesty, don't make me… Not with her… She's new to this and she won't know when to stop…" He gulped convulsively and threw himself to his knees in front of the Queen.

"Get up, you waste of space. On second thoughts, stay there."

The Queen raised one foot and kicked the White Rabbit backwards so that he lay face up on the grass. She turned to Alice.

"You can have a head start," she told Alice pleasantly. "We won't begin until you have finished with the White Rabbit. Off you go."

"You'll have to do it now," the Duchess whispered in Alice's ear. "Just sit on his face and make sure he can't breathe at all. Give it about thirty seconds after he has stopped moving, and that should do it nicely. Don't think about what you're doing. If you close your eyes and concentrate on the sensation between your legs then you'll manage just fine. Go on, before the Queen becomes annoyed."

Hesitantly, Alice stood over the White Rabbit.

"Go on," urged the Queen. "We don't have all day. We're waiting to start. You can choose who you want next, as long as it's not Bill. He's mine."

"The trouble with lizards like Bill," the Duchess whispered to Alice, "Is his tongue. It's so long, and a lizard just can't keep his tongue to himself however hard he tries. The Queen likes it, but personally I can't stand it. It always makes me wriggle all over the place."

Alice stared at Bill who was standing not too far away watching them. The Duchess was right, she thought. Bill's long tongue flicked out of his mouth every few seconds and then disappeared again. Alice shivered, imagining having that flicking in and out between her legs as she sat on him. It would be most horrible, she decided. Her legs became quite weak and wobbly just thinking about it, and for some strange reason she was quite unable to push the image of it from her mind. There was a strange feeling inside her; one that she had never previously experienced. She started shaking, and the weakness in her legs was approaching the point at which they would no longer support her…

Alice knelt down, her knees either side of the terrified White Rabbit's head. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and slowly lowered herself until she felt his soft, furry face pressing against her.

As the Duchess had suggested, Alice closed her eyes and then adjusted her position on the Rabbit's face until she was fairly sure she was covering his nose and mouth completely. She could feel him making small movements underneath her, and just hear his plaintive whimpering.

"Not long now," announced the Queen confidently. "I'm ready for my first!"

A strange feeling went through Alice. She was horrified at what she was doing, yet at the same time the sensations she was now experiencing were like nothing she had ever felt before. Her eyes were closed, and it seemed to her that she was floating through a thick, sticky pool of what could only be described as sheer pleasure. The sounds of the Queen, the Duchess and the courtiers faded into the distance, and all that mattered was the soft, firm face of the White Rabbit pressed against her…

*

"Alice! Alice! Wake up! You'll be late for work!"

Desperately Alice tried to hold on to the White Rabbit between her legs, but he was nowhere to be found. All she had were her bedclothes and pillows.

Reluctantly, she answered. "Coming, Mother."

She hid the damp pillow in her cupboard before she left the bedroom.




http://www.strictsusan.com

[SexualChoc]

Creativity very high 10 out of 10
I did not see a book on your list
with the title of Alice, or wonderland.
Perhaps I missed it, or did you, yourself write this?

[Susan Strict]

It's one of mine - it was published as part of a collection of short stories "Strictly Susan - The Sixth Collection"