Losing Interest & Purging

[CruelNatalie]

First of all I would like to say that I missed being here. I decided to take a break for a few months. I normally do this in Dec anyhow. In Nov one of my very close slaves passed away. I felt guilty because I left NY, moved to Virginia to be closer to my family. We stayed in touch but I could tell it had a huge impact on his life. He was ultra submissive in nature. Through the years he taught me so much and in exchange I enjoyed controlling his every move. I controlled his food intake, social life, everything. Mostly through email and text messages. he would visit when he could. I feel guilty because I didn't know that he drinking again, eating bad food and not taking his medication as he should. He is older.

Anyhow I drove to NY and spent some time going through things he left me. He didn't really have any family. Of course this added more to my guilt. I was so busy fixing up my house and exploring new relationships I had dropped the ball on someone very important to me & someone who was truly devoted.

This all prompted me to do a lot of soul searching. I have options and can afford to do whatever I want but I began to realize how very important my online relationships and phone sex was to me. Yes I'm busy and I have personal D/s relationships but I love the diversity and how it allows me to not only be creative but I feel like I also help people. Sure you have some selfish jerks now and then but for the most part I have men who are like me--- looking for an escape from the day to day reality without all the complications of relationship commitment. The label Mistress means something different to me now. I use my experience to create relationships that are almost symbiotic and therapeutic. All of my relationships teach me something about myself. I am the woman I am today as a result of the many wonderful men who have served me.

In this contemplation I also thought about how and why men purge. How they throw themselves in completely only to freak out and slam the door on their taboo needs. Although I don't go to this extreme I too find myself stepping back every 6 or so months to take a break. I started thinking about this and decided that I too get consumed with the intensity of it all or my fantasies are never realized to MY expectation. I get disappointed and frustrated. I step back until the needs begin to well inside of me again. Is this what happens to you?

I'm not exactly sure where all of this leaves me. I will resume online training but on a limited basis. I want to carefully evaluate my relationships and just lighten up, become more playful. One of my adoring online slaves has been helping me with my website. I want to write a lot more and work on my blog.

I also wanted to open this topic up for discussion for those so inclined. I'm sure you all are familiar with this purging. I'd like to know how or why. What are some of your feelings and how do you handle it? What brings you back and how long does it take?

Kisses
Nat

[aldorax]

My sympathies. It's a sad reality of life, having to endure these things.

I had just started a new play relationship (also in VA, btw!) a few years back that worked fine for a while until I moved my remaining aging and dementia-suffering parent from assisted living into a nursing home. To me that marked the "last stop before the grave" and hit me harder than their ultimate passing 10 months later. I ended up losing total interest in anything remotely kinky (in person) -- which amicably nixed that play relationship. Weirdly enough, reading stuff here, Fetlife, other sites that year was almost like peering into a conversation in another language - kinky or sexy thoughts just seemed foreign to me.

I began a year of contemplation, introspection, and some purging[1] and started 2015 in a much better headspace than I was this time last year in many ways, though I've not done anything kinky w/anyone in a few years though the 'urge' is slowly returning.

Circle of life, it spins on.....and we're just along for the ride....

[1] Of things not interesting to me, foreign, or just "time for a change" anymore. Anything from old / uninteresting pr0n and toys to things I don't need anymore (eg, cable TV) to general decluttering in both my life and closets. Maybe it's also an early mid-life crisis thing, I am 42.

[CruelNatalie]

My sympathies. It's a sad reality of life, having to endure these things.

I had just started a new play relationship (also in VA, btw!) a few years back that worked fine for a while until I moved my remaining aging and dementia-suffering parent from assisted living into a nursing home. To me that marked the "last stop before the grave" and hit me harder than their ultimate passing 10 months later. I ended up losing total interest in anything remotely kinky (in person) -- which amicably nixed that play relationship. Weirdly enough, reading stuff here, Fetlife, other sites that year was almost like peering into a conversation in another language - kinky or sexy thoughts just seemed foreign to me.

I began a year of contemplation, introspection, and some purging[1] and started 2015 in a much better headspace than I was this time last year in many ways, though I've not done anything kinky w/anyone in a few years.

Circle of life, it spins on.....and we're just along for the ride....

[1] Of things not interesting to me, foreign, or just "time for a change" anymore.

wow I'm so sorry. I do understand tho. I felt like that. Its not the same. If it were my family I'd feel like that too. Give it time. After all you are here right?

[aldorax]

My sympathies. It's a sad reality of life, having to endure these things.

I had just started a new play relationship (also in VA, btw!) a few years back that worked fine for a while until I moved my remaining aging and dementia-suffering parent from assisted living into a nursing home. To me that marked the "last stop before the grave" and hit me harder than their ultimate passing 10 months later. I ended up losing total interest in anything remotely kinky (in person) -- which amicably nixed that play relationship. Weirdly enough, reading stuff here, Fetlife, other sites that year was almost like peering into a conversation in another language - kinky or sexy thoughts just seemed foreign to me.

I began a year of contemplation, introspection, and some purging[1] and started 2015 in a much better headspace than I was this time last year in many ways, though I've not done anything kinky w/anyone in a few years.

Circle of life, it spins on.....and we're just along for the ride....

[1] Of things not interesting to me, foreign, or just "time for a change" anymore.

wow I'm so sorry. I do understand tho. I felt like that. Its not the same. If it were my family I'd feel like that too. Give it time. After all you are here right?

Oh I am, and do! I'm 99% back to (ab)normal but you never know when something trips you up and you get into a funk for a while. That happened a bit last year and is all part of what to expect after such things. C'est life.

And yes, Milo folks are an awesome community. :)

[Ms. Julie]

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. It's not your fault obviously. You provided external control, but that doesn't make you responsible for his lack of self-control when life moved you in another direction.

I've often 'thought' about how domination can have a positive effect. How, submissive men (and women) could be lead to live healthier lives, eat healthier, lose weight, be more productive and focused at work, all for just a little kinky TLC in return. Replacing their self-discipline with external discipline, which they find easier to stick to because of the rewards it gives them. Until recently I wasn't that 'dominant' and really just more focused on my fetish of tease and denial, so these were just thoughts until now, but it makes sense to me and I can see the very beneficial side of it.

On the other side of things, I often feel like my fetishes and sexual needs are like an addiction. Sometimes I worry about this enough that I force myself to take a break and try to live a 'normal' life. But, like an addiction, slowly my fantasies and my needs come back and I find myself embracing them again. I try to rationalize my addiction by convincing myself that my sexual urges are a compulsion beyond my control. To say sexual urges are like an addiction is 'probably' about the same as saying food is an addiction. But this argument doesn't fully convince me. I worry during these period of 'giving in' that I spend far too much time focused on my fantasy and my almost constant arousal and that I am enabling others in their own addiction. Again though I try to think to myself that as long as it doesn't affect life negatively (and can actually have a very positive effect), then there should be no reason to worry about it. That my 'play' is really no different than playing video games, or sports, or watching TV, which millions do mindlessly without a second thought (me too sometimes, I love video games). I still do worry about it a little though. My fantasies and compulsion are so strong, I doubt very much I could ever keep them contained for very long even if I wanted to.

[Slavonicus]

(me too sometimes, I love video games)

:)

What kind of video games? :)

On-topic, I don't have many problems with losing interest, as I don't have any interest for the most of time. I am able to participate in such stuff only when I feel some kind of emotional connection with other person, and this emotional connection is a thing I avoid most. Though for other reasons. I am rather a type of loner; spending more than an hour with one person is agonizing to me. So I doubt if I would ever be a part of any kind of relationship and I doubt if I can ever lose interest if I am used to live without much amount of it.

[skrote]

It's hard to know where to start with a post like this.

First, my condolences to you, and to all those affected by his passing. Times of transition can be challenging.

Second welcome back. I recently sent someone a copy of the story I wrote in a previous post, and when I searched for it I noticed you had not posted in quite some time. I had actually thought to message you and just a few days later you posted this. I wish the absence held more favorable circumstances for you.

Echoing what's already been said, it of course was not your fault. Everyone is responsible for one's own actions. It sounds to me that more than a Dominant, you were his friend who treasured her relationship with him.

You said:

" I started thinking about this and decided that I too get consumed with the intensity of it all or my fantasies are never realized to MY expectation. I get disappointed and frustrated. I step back until the needs begin to well inside of me again. Is this what happens to you?"

I have learned through my experience in recovery that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I've learned over time to have preferences. The difference? Not getting a preference has no affect on your internal state of being. I travel a bit, and my partner will ask if I will miss them, and my reply "Nope... but I do prefer your presence"

Falling into having expectations often occurs when our lives start to go on autopilot. We fall into our habits. Taking a step back lets us start to take the task of flying back.

Why do men slam a door on taboo... that is a case by case basis. For me.. when I started exploring the lifestyle, I was still drinking (I've been sober almost 10 years now). I also went to therapy. For me, I had turned an experience from a traumatic event into an erotic one"Erotized". To say that I grew up in a violent household would be an understatement. You fantasize about it, then when you really get it, and it evokes those suppressed memories it can cause you to turn tail and run the other way.. I know that this is not the case for everyone but this was the case for me. Through therapy, specifically EMDR, I helped to re-frame my past experiences.

I think others, when the reality hits that they are really giving control, it scares them. Everyone's reason could be there own but ultimately, on some level whether it be to bring up a suppressed experience, or because of a nagging belief that they think there is something "wrong" with thinking/feeling this way they give into their programmed beliefs and retreat. Only to let it bubble and grow again until they can step into being okay with who they "really" are and how they feel.

I truly hope what I wrote helps you, You certainly have earned my respect on this forum for your transparency, and ability to blend work and pleasure.

I think the key is to do exactly what you did. Soul searching. What makes us tick, and seek to understand it and change it if what we discover no longer serves us.

~Skrote

[Ms. Julie]

Slavonicus,

Mostly just the blockbusters. Half-life (all), Portal (all), Mass Effect (all), Dragon Age (all), Max Payne (all), Fallout (all after 3), Call of Duty (most, but not all), BioShock (all), Borderlands (all), F.E.A.R (all), Far Cry (all but 4, waiting for sale). So yes, I play video games a lot. Too much.

[CruelNatalie]

I've often 'thought' about how domination can have a positive effect. How, submissive men (and women) could be lead to live healthier lives, eat healthier, lose weight, be more productive and focused at work, all for just a little kinky TLC in return. Replacing their self-discipline with external discipline, which they find easier to stick to because of the rewards it gives them. Until recently I wasn't that 'dominant' and really just more focused on my fetish of tease and denial, so these were just thoughts until now, but it makes sense to me and I can see the very beneficial side of it.

I have ongoing programs with men I will never meet. I can honestly say that I have changed lives. I've help them lose weight, stop smoking & drinking, express emotions better and definitely have saved marriages. Every relationship is different. Control is always the foundation. Orgasm control can be extremely powerful which is why its in all of my training.

I fully acknowledge my addiction to control and all the kinky trappings I engage in. No way I could ever live in the vanilla world.

what a wonderful and intelligent post Ms Julie. How nice it is to get feedback from you.

[CruelNatalie]

As always you bring such a wonderful thought provoking measure to the topic.

Fear is the biggest one. Most people don't want to lose their already existing life and step into the unknown. I'm not sure why they feel they have to. In fact its the fear I address the most. There's no reason you can't have your existing life and create a private world to explore your other side. You just need to be realistic, authentic and maintain balance. I think that once men encounter someone who throws that switch they get so excited they lose focus of everything else. They find themselves escaping too often and then feel guilty for getting carried away. I think we all do this, right?

I have some tools I use in training to help with this but admit that once a guy gets a stiffy he loses his mind a bit. I admit that I enjoy this tremendously but I would never really hurt someone that vulnerable. Might I toy with he idea or tease him? sure I will.

Lovely to see you!

It's hard to know where to start with a post like this.

First, my condolences to you, and to all those affected by his passing. Times of transition can be challenging.

Second welcome back. I recently sent someone a copy of the story I wrote in a previous post, and when I searched for it I noticed you had not posted in quite some time. I had actually thought to message you and just a few days later you posted this. I wish the absence held more favorable circumstances for you.

Echoing what's already been said, it of course was not your fault. Everyone is responsible for one's own actions. It sounds to me that more than a Dominant, you were his friend who treasured her relationship with him.

You said:

" I started thinking about this and decided that I too get consumed with the intensity of it all or my fantasies are never realized to MY expectation. I get disappointed and frustrated. I step back until the needs begin to well inside of me again. Is this what happens to you?"

I have learned through my experience in recovery that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I've learned over time to have preferences. The difference? Not getting a preference has no affect on your internal state of being. I travel a bit, and my partner will ask if I will miss them, and my reply "Nope... but I do prefer your presence"

Falling into having expectations often occurs when our lives start to go on autopilot. We fall into our habits. Taking a step back lets us start to take the task of flying back.

Why do men slam a door on taboo... that is a case by case basis. For me.. when I started exploring the lifestyle, I was still drinking (I've been sober almost 10 years now). I also went to therapy. For me, I had turned an experience from a traumatic event into an erotic one"Erotized". To say that I grew up in a violent household would be an understatement. You fantasize about it, then when you really get it, and it evokes those suppressed memories it can cause you to turn tail and run the other way.. I know that this is not the case for everyone but this was the case for me. Through therapy, specifically EMDR, I helped to re-frame my past experiences.

I think others, when the reality hits that they are really giving control, it scares them. Everyone's reason could be there own but ultimately, on some level whether it be to bring up a suppressed experience, or because of a nagging belief that they think there is something "wrong" with thinking/feeling this way they give into their programmed beliefs and retreat. Only to let it bubble and grow again until they can step into being okay with who they "really" are and how they feel.

I truly hope what I wrote helps you, You certainly have earned my respect on this forum for your transparency, and ability to blend work and pleasure.

I think the key is to do exactly what you did. Soul searching. What makes us tick, and seek to understand it and change it if what we discover no longer serves us.

~Skrote

[andy wood]

Natalie,

I, too, offer my condolences on the loss of your former sub.

I also agree with you, that a sub's feelings of submission will often ebb and flow unpredictably. Often, a sub will feel a desire to rush impulsively into a very deep level of submission... only to snap back a short time later, terrified of that quick and complete surrender. One funny and very true cartoon I saw recently addresses that point.

http://queen-lucia.tumblr.com/post/9704 ... my-so-true

Ms. Julie,

I like what you said about D/s as therapy:
**********
I've often 'thought' about how domination can have a positive effect. How, submissive men (and women) could be lead to live healthier lives, eat healthier, lose weight, be more productive and focused at work, all for just a little kinky TLC in return. Replacing their self-discipline with external discipline, which they find easier to stick to because of the rewards it gives them. Until recently I wasn't that 'dominant' and really just more focused on my fetish of tease and denial, so these were just thoughts until now, but it makes sense to me and I can see the very beneficial side of it.
**********

I am currently following a year-long game/challenge by Quiet Linda. It contains elements of feminization (which I hate), but it also has orgasm control and edging (which is lots of fun), and it encourages fitness and weight loss (which is very practical). So, D/s can just be play, but it can also be a positive force for self-improvement.

As for whether your BDSM play is a harmless hobby or a dangerous addiction, I would say that the answer is... "maybe". Sometimes I stay up late playing video games, and then I am tired the next day at work. Also, the more time I spend on my computer, the less time I spend with my wife. But I do not use illegal drugs, I do not smoke, and I am a light social drinker. I think the only way I could be 100% certain of not having any addiction in my life, would be to have no pleasure in my life. I am not yet ready to be Amish or join Opus Dei, so I will take my chances on becoming addicted to video games, or porn, or whatever.

Speaking of addictions, though... I have recently enjoyed your tease-and-denial flash teases, and also your videos on xhamster. Part of the enjoyment I got from each, was the idea that somewhere, some domme was getting as much of a thrill from teasing and denying me, as the thrill I got from being controlled. And now, seeing you talk about how much you enjoy teasing others.... *shiver* Let's just say that I am turning into the president of your fan club, Miss.

Regards,

Andy

[CruelNatalie]

I really like that level of control. I have this with my personal slaves. They too get addicted to it. These are very strong men in control of day to day. They feel they "need" to give me that level of control and tell them what to do.

I'll be back more on this. I will be doing a lot of work to my blog in the coming weeks. But I shall return!

[aldorax]

I really like that level of control. I have this with my personal slaves. They too get addicted to it. These are very strong men in control of day to day. They feel they "need" to give me that level of control and tell them what to do.

Yes, count me in that category too. The desire for a controlled release of responsibility for such people is a powerful attraction to kink generally.

Although I've not done anything in a prolonged controlling manner per se, I will admit that after a single evening's "scene" my time in aftercare feels similar to the adjustments one makes when coming back to town after a vacation. The afterglow the next day or two is awesome, too.

[CruelNatalie]

I really like that level of control. I have this with my personal slaves. They too get addicted to it. These are very strong men in control of day to day. They feel they "need" to give me that level of control and tell them what to do.

Yes, count me in that category too. The desire for a controlled release of responsibility for such people is a powerful attraction to kink generally.

Although I've not done anything in a prolonged controlling manner per se, I will admit that after a single evening's "scene" my time in aftercare feels similar to the adjustments one makes when coming back to town after a vacation. The afterglow the next day or two is awesome, too.

Oh damn I wrote a lengthy post throughout the day when I had time inbetween calls. When I posted it logged me out and didn't save. Damn it

[andy wood]

CruelNatalie,

You said:
*****
Oh damn I wrote a lengthy post throughout the day when I had time inbetween calls. When I posted it logged me out and didn't save. Damn it
*****

That happened to me the other day. I wrote a long PM, and when I tried to post it, Milo. logged me out. That PM just vanished into cyberspace.

One thing I have begun doing for forum posts and PM's is this:

1) Write it
2) Use Copy to put it onto my clipboard (or even Cut it and then Paste it back into the same window)
3) Actually post it.

I hope this suggestion helps.

Once you are able to recover your thoughts and post them here, I look forward to reading them.

Regards,

Andy