French Maid draft...

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TigerBS
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French Maid draft...

Post by TigerBS »

Hello Milovana!

I posted the following at /storys but since no one seems to read that place I post it now here. Why? Because I need you to help me Illustrate the story with the right pictures. If we can pull this off, I will try and make a flashtease out of it! ;-)
And if we find a decent illustrator here I maybe will turn it into a little hentai clip or something?

I have this Scene for a Story I cant get out of my head. So even so it is no comlete story, I want to share it with you, because I think it is quite hot. But first a little something to get into the right mood! ;-)
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So, here we are at a soiree in an impressive high class manor. The french maid approaches one of the many guests. A well-spoken man in an expensive suit, sitting in an armchair smoking his Cigar.
She adresses him with a smile: "Good evening, Sir. Would you like some refreshment? Coffee, tee or me?"
Man: "I will take a Cup of Coffee and you. What is on the menu tonight"
Maid: "I can recommend the "chicken"-breast. Not the largest serving, but very tender I can assure you! An ideal Appetizer...
If you would like to go for something good and solid, I can offer you a nice piece of ham. Very lean and firm aside with an extremely juicy bun!
But if you are more of a sweet tooth, I am very happy to ask the cook to whip up some cream and have him make some fresh creampie, served of cause sraight and warm to your seat. But be careful with your suit, sir. He usually is quite generous with the filling. *giggle*


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The man inspects the girl and notices a substancial gooey stream running down her thighs.
Man: "By the look of that sloppy mess, the pies seem to be quite popular tonight."
Maid: "Oh Yes!" she responds a littel to enthusiastic "It is ordered unusually often today. The cook is getting a little exhausted from all that work and we had to call for the stable-boys to help him out in the kitchen." she blushes deep red, but her eyes sparcle while saying this.
Man: "Is that so... let me see the appetizer"
The Maid unbuttons the only button of her dress which allows a good view at the better part of her chest, showing a really small pair of firm girly titties.
Man: "That in deed is a disappointingly small serving. Who would be satisfied with that."
Maid: "I am very sorry good Sir, I will forward your complains to the dean. But if I may be so bold, my duties tonight is to serve the hors-d'oeuvre and the desset. If you like a bigger serving I will happyly call the milkmaid for you to discuss your preferings."
Man: "No need to, I just go with a pie and a glass of champaign."
Maid: "As you whish, Sir. I will call for the Sommeliess (wine waitress). As for the pie, there are only leftovers at the moment. Do you want me to fetch some fresh one from the kitchen?"
Man: "Do that child, make it a mixt flavor one."
The Maid waves for the Sommeliess and rushes down tha hallway...

The Sommeliess is a tall woman in her early 40 of stunning look but with an expression on her face as if she just ate a lemon. She is wearing a a rich ornated black ball dress. The upper part is skin tight with a tall collar, almost like a soutane. The overall look is very rigid as if she was a matron. Besides the chaste design of the dress the skin tightness of the chloth makes her opulent gorge pop out and appear almost provocative as in "Look at them, but dont you dare get horny!"
The lower part of her dress is a little different. It is a pleated skirt, very long to the floor with lot of ridges. exactly in the middle of the front it was split apart like a curtine and fixed to her garters. This allows a constant view direct onto her Vagina but nothing else. Wich, by the way, looks much mor enjoyable as one would expect from an early 40s.
As she raises her voice to adress the man the tone would be expected to be reserved for the reprimand of a naughty boy.
Sommeliess: "You called for me, my lord."
It should have been a question, but oddly it sounded more like a statement. Almost like an accusation.
Man: "That I did, and the reason should be pretty obvious. So tell me woman, why are you not asking me about my ordering so that you can make your recommendation?
Sommeliess: "How impertinent! Dont you call me Woman, I am MISS Bellpissée!
Man: "And..."
Sommeliess: "And, ..." Her expression turns even more sour "And what are you planing to enjoy tonight?
The Man raises one eyebrow as a sole reaction.
The Sommeliess almost grinds her teeth: "... my Lord"
Man: "One of the girls is getting a pie for me... This very moment I guess" he says with a satisfied grin. And with a look at the Sommeliess vagina he adds "You should have one too, you look hungry."
Sommeliess: "I, Sir, am not allowed to... ahm... eat." she replies with the usual lecturing and arrogant tone.
Man: "Never? Not even off work?"
Sommeliess: "I am alwas available! As everyone in this house is."/ A with a depreciateing voice she adds "Event though some of us are more available than others" looking at one of the maids serving a Ham & Bun Sandwich to the d'Erniere brothers. "And yes, never. I am on a strict diet. Eating the wrong things irritates the fine taste."
Man: "That is going to be interresting... Well Miss, what do you recommend accompanies best a juicy fresh creampie?"
Sommeliess: "With that?" she frowns at one of the other Maids in the process of serving "Uhg... all this decadent sweetness... I recomment something tart and well aged in contrast. Otherwise one will easily feel fed up with all the deserts. And that, I quess, the men do want to avoid at all cost."
Man: "True... go on."
She takes a wineglass from the tray and holds it against the light. It was remakably clean, but there was something she seems not to be satisfied with and pulls out a small handkerchief with fine quillings. And then she vigorously spits into the cristal clear glass...
manwithcape
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Re: French Maid draft...

Post by manwithcape »

I can"t really approve of this way of thinking.

People don't pay attention to me if I post stuff where it belongs so I'll copy it where it doesn't.
:no:

Since you want input.
Your story is short and incomplete, not yet worth the time to read is because it can not suck me into its world.
The writing style isn't to my liking, people might disagree but the dialogue's as you write them are not a story but a transcript.
The pictures are kind of nice but the models are constantly changing. Which character is which model?

Perhaps you would be better of finding a picture set and transforming your story into some sort of caption/comic.
Perhaps your lack of responses was caused by people like me who learned to not say anything if you can't say anything nice, but since you asked...
TigerBS
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Re: French Maid draft...

Post by TigerBS »

Maybe you should think about your way of thinking... Why?

Because:
This is the "All and everything" section, so this is the perfect place. Dont complain in front of me about things other people might do a way you dont like.
And if I had not written that I posted this before elsewere you never would have known. So please, dont shove peoples honesty up their asses!
As far as "attention" goes. I dont need attention, but help with a project.
And thats the main point. You appear to be one of those people who always want the finished product but not help in the process, exept complaining...

This is a draft! It is written in the title, what do you expect for gods sake?!

But I am convinced that you meant no harm and thus I thank you for your response!

Anyone else wants to help?
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DoxysTurtle
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Re: French Maid draft...

Post by DoxysTurtle »

I'm going to say the previous commentor was correct and this should be moved to stories (and never been double posed). You didn't even have the other post up for a week, or anywhere close, for you to be complaining about no responses. And since you think it's okay to double post/attack the one person who did comment on their thoughts, good luck getting anyone else to help.
manwithcape
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Re: French Maid draft...

Post by manwithcape »

TigerBS wrote:Maybe you should think about your way of thinking... Why?

Because:
This is the "All and everything" section, so this is the perfect place. Dont complain in front of me about things other people might do a way you dont like.
And if I had not written that I posted this before elsewere you never would have known. So please, dont shove peoples honesty up their asses!
As far as "attention" goes. I dont need attention, but help with a project.
And thats the main point. You appear to be one of those people who always want the finished product but not help in the process, exept complaining...

This is a draft! It is written in the title, what do you expect for gods sake?!

But I am convinced that you meant no harm and thus I thank you for your response!

Anyone else wants to help?

I have read your first post. You appeared in the list of forum posts next to the webteases.
There are 5 different (the newest?) forum topics there, those are often the only ones I check out.
Your both topics were there at the same time. Actually there was only 1 topic between them!
Seriously, have a little patience.
Your 'honesty' had nothing to do with that.

And yes, I would like a finished product.
I don"t mind you posting a draft but once was enough.
If people don't flood in to help you with it there's a reason for that.
You need a damn good idea or concept before people want to work on your project more than their own.

I am one of those people who prefers spending time exploring BDSM in my own life over writing fantasy scenario's. A blog/diary with my own stories is under construction. I have a lot more written out as your draft and I don't feel like it is good enough to share yet. I've also made a kinky chatbot and in the SFW category I have a lot more and better art on display. I do more than complain.
I do admit that writing is easy but writing good is hard.
Although some help is usefull and all writers know this.
I wasn't the least bit surprised you didn't get a lot of responses.
Write the full draft, let people experience fully what you consider to be the unique selling point of your idea.
That way we can help with improving it. Now... we just don't care enough about your story.
If you want instant feedback on a short bit as you first posted, go chat on omegle. Lots of people would find it a refreshing change from "asl?"
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Re: French Maid draft...

Post by WhiteintheAbyss »

In general the concept is appealing. French maids have been sexualized for a long time but the problem here is that you seem to be going all over the place without following any one character continually. Every story is different though but pick a perspective and follow it. Even the house would be fine.
If you want this to be an actual story with the sex being an integral part that is my biggest concern other than there doesn't appear to be any actual beginning nor explanation of situation.
But if the focus is sex then so be it. It really doesn't matter about those kinds of things.
Oh yeah and name your characters. It can build a connection to readers and can draw them actually into the story caring about them and their experiences.

Hope this helps.
AngelintheAbyss
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