I would like to give up masturbation for a few days. Not out of a chastity fetish, so much as a desire to recover from a cycle of self-abuse.
Self-abuse is a rather old-fashioned term in this context, and might conjure up a puritanical figure who fears sexuality in all forms. That's not where I'm coming from. I don't just masturbate to relieve tension, or to enjoy a fun tease once in a while. I masturbate to escape from my life, going past the point at which I get no real satisfaction from it, because I do not want to go back to reality. As the excitement begins to lose its edge, I am drawn to things that later burden me with a sense of weakness and psychological deformity, making it that much harder to keep a hold on myself the next time I'm tempted to run away.
With every hour I spend drowning myself in fantasy and empty pleasure, I reaffirm that I cannot hope for anything better. All of my goals in real life, sexual or otherwise, are beyond my ability to achieve. I am not happy with this existence. I do not believe that I can learn and experience the full extent of who I am by sitting in front of a screen, isolated, sucking up endless stimulation and not giving or creating anything of my own. I do believe that at least some of what I want would be perfectly attainable in reality, if I could only muster the discipline, determination, and faith to take a real shot at it.
That's where this post comes in. No matter how many times I promise myself to do the right thing, I can't seem to stick to it. I'm not currently in a position to pay for any sort of chastity program under the guidance of an online mistress, and I figure the line for getting that kind of service without charge must be a mile long. I am also not comfortable sharing the nature of my problems with anyone in real life.
So, here's the plan: I'm going to make a public pledge not to masturbate until the end of this work week; i.e, when I get home from work on Friday. Not a long time, I know, and I may choose to go longer, but my goal is just to force myself to focus on real life for a few days. By the end of this week, I will hopefully be on my way to developing a healthier lifestyle, which will sustain itself without the need for this sort of measure. Perhaps I will renew the pledge next week--one step at a time.
If I succeed, I will post on Friday to say so. If I fail--well, I could lie, but I think that would make me feel even worse than telling the truth. So, I will probably either admit my failure, or run away from the forums, never to return. Regardless, everyone who reads this thread, and checks on Friday, will know. That's it. No threats of whips, paddles, or chastity belts--just the knowledge that other people will know. I'm hoping that will be enough. Thank you for reading. Comments of any sort are welcome below.
PS:
Preemptive apologies, if:
-I've posted in the wrong place, or should not have made a post like this on Milovana at all. I couldn't find a more appropriate-seeming forum, and this community is the one I'm most comfortable turning to, out of all those I know. Nofap and Pornfree on Reddit might seem more tailored to my motivations, but I'm not in agreement with their absolutism. At a glance, I also find them a bit...cultish.
-This post seems judgmental towards other users of the site. I hope it's clear that I'm not against masturbation, porn, or webteases in general. Ultimately, I can only judge myself, for failing to do what is right for me.
-My tone was melodramatic. This is the first time I've communicated to anyone about my problems, so it was cathartic for me. I was also listening to some rather emotive music as I wrote, which may have had an effect
.-This post is too long. I'm only making it longer, so it's time to stop.
Edit: Changed "Noporn" to "Pornfree," which I believe is the actual name of the Reddit community I was thinking of.
