Wait, Neil Patrick Harris is gay?! I did not know that lol.
I look like i'm in my mid 20's, but I'm actually only 19 (almost 20). In the past, I have asked questions similar to this on other forums, or talked in chatrooms about this, and some people have said it is most likely my hormones going crazy. I think the first time I put up a similar post to this was after that concert a few years back, and I agreed that hormones were probably behind it. Now, being almost 20, and this being very prevalent in everyday life, I'm not so sure. I look back, and the only real desire I've had to have sex with women is to lose the V card and get my friends off my back about it. To be perfectly honest, I find vagina's rather disgusting (GASP), but I have been attracted to the female figure, such as curves, hair, clothes, and in some cases, breasts. This is, again, where I get confused and frustrated.
I mentioned last night that I don't like the term bisexual, but didn't really make sense when I elaborated. Scratch everything I said there, I was tired lol. To me, the term bisexual has a few different meanings that I have personally seen. First, it means that you are constantly aroused, and will get intimate with anything that crawls. Second, like I kind of stated before, it is a cry for attention. I have known people who say they are bi, and will continually talk about it time and time again, but never do anything with anyone of the same gender (I suppose that the same thing could be said for me and being gay, but it is hard to get the point across in a post on a forum.) Lastly, the term is used too casually by too many people, who don't truly understand it. At one point or another, every woman/man has found another person of the same gender attractive, maybe because the person was transgendered, maybe because it was just an isolated incident, but I've known numerous people who have started labeling themselves bisexual because of this "one time thing", and have bragged about it (I suppose again for attention). Overall I just don't like it. For me, I want to be one or the other, and I would prefer being straight as an arrow, but that apparently isn't working so well.
My friends at the party weren't trying to cause me any discomfort. I did want to at least talk with someone who was gay at the party, and have a good time, which I told them. Everything just happened so fast that I couldn't keep up, got embarrassed, nervous, ect. Plus my mind was completely on the one guy I have a crush on, so while the guy who my friends pushed on me was talking, I was still trying to find the other guy. It got confusing. However, I do agree completely, and will tell my friends to ease up a bit the next time we go out.
Another thing that is bothering me (I swear I'm usually a happy guy), is the fact that all of these emotions, and worries have been coming out, and have been pretty much destroying the life that I had. I have very redneck friends, I would do anything for them, and they have proved that they will do anything for me. They are good guys, but I haven't had a want to talk to them in the past month. Ok this is about to get even more lengthy so bear with me. I don't like the complete macho redneck thing. Don't get me wrong, I like beer, working on cars, camping, and some other things we do, but a lot of it is just for show, or a cover. Also, like Catboy said about the subconscious effort my mind goes through to protect myself, I don't like that, and have been trying to stay away to figure this thing out. A couple weeks ago was my buddies 21st birthday, and we had a party at his house where we were all going to get hammered. About half way through the night my lesbian friend, and my "bi" female friend were asked by the birthday boy himself to kiss. They were drunk and said yes, and the next thing we knew both of them were naked, having sex on the couch, while we threw singles at them. I was pretty drunk and tried to keep interest, but I couldn't. I just kept picking up the singles and throwing them back, talking, and flinging their panties across the room at my buddies. I just couldn't keep interest, and it showed. After they were done my friends started calling me gay, and that I should just admit it, and make everyone's life easier. I can't do that because I am not entirely sure yet, and do not want to deal with the consequences of saying something that will have that big of an impact on my life. They just kept on riding me about it for the next hour to the point that I took the 3/4 full bottle of jager we had and started just drinking away.
Then I started crying (first time I have ever been an emotional drunk), and I took the bottle to the next room and started chugging. My one buddy thought it would be a great opportunity to ask my over and over again if I was gay, which I don't think I answered, but I finished the bottle and passed out after punching him across the side of his face.
The way the actually found out about this whole thing is my big mouth. About a year ago, I told three female friends I was gay. I shouldn't have told them that, since I wasn't entirely sure, but I did. The last girl I told, couldn't keep the secret and told my best friend's mom (She is the one we go to with all our problems). They decided it would be in MY best interest that they would tell all of my friends about this, and have a coming out party for me. This was last June. We had spent all day working on my buddies car, and his mom made us a bbq for dinner, we are all outside eating when everyone stopped, and just stared at me. I couldn't figure out what was going on until my one friend said the words I will never forget, "We know and we don't care." I couldn't figure out what they were talking about, because it could have been anything, but he just kept repeating that every time I asked what he was talking about for 5 minutes. Finally he said, "We know your gay, and we don't care." I was shocked, embarrassed, about to pass out, but also I was kind of relieved. Relieved, until I saw the looks on everyone's faces. They did care, but they were waiting for me to tell them I wasn't, it was plain as day. So of course I denied it, which for some reason wasn't good enough, and they kept pestering me about it, and to this day they won't let it go. I can tell that they don't want it to be true, but they aren't giving me a voice here. They are all good guys, same with my family, but the way they were raised and the environment they are in has clouded their heads.
But all of this makes me think that their are only two options here. Either stay with my friends, and family, suck it up, and just live the way that I have been living. Or pretty much divorce them all together, and figure this out. It's a very lousy situation.
Going back to the whole emotion thing, I used to be a very energetic, happy guy. Then all of this started coming out and I am miserable. After the party when I was sitting in my car, I actually started looking up how to take the cadalytic converter off my car (if you don't understand look it up). It's just all of this is overloading me to a point that I can't really take. I was kind of happy just feeling this way in private, wondering the what if's, but after I took semi public everything went downhill.
Idk, that was the longest rant yet
. Vagina's have never really done anything for me, boobs used to, but now I honestly think women look better with their clothes on, and I can/do get stimulated by that. Honestly, I've also never had sex with a woman, but I've also never had the urge to. I definitely think that one is this sites fault. Going through highschool only thinking about kink/taboo sex makes vanilla sex as dull as holding hands :P. Also, In the teases it's more the writing than anything that get's me going, which kind of goes back to a thread I made about grammar 
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