Finding a Kinky Partner

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Alison
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Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by Alison » Sun May 02, 2010 3:11 pm

I get asked a lot of questions. I get asked if about cunnilingus and yeast infections. I get asked about the safety of using orange parking cones as insertable sex objects. I get at least one question a week asking for plausible excuses for men to have size 14 Stillettos (or other similar fashion item) in their closet. But the question I get ask most frequently is a variation of this: how do I find a kinky partner?

So you want a romantic/sexual partner who shares your fetishes and explorations? Here are thoughts on getting that in your real life:

1.Kinky partners aren’t something you can order from a catalog. People value being an individual. See a potential partner as more than the sum of their kinks. Just like you wouldn’t want to be judged by the weight of your wallet, don’t judge someone solely on their willingness to do what you want.
2.If you want a partner- you have to be a partner. To share in her kinks and fantasies. Now let’s get clear: this doesn’t necessarily mean her fantasy to wear stockings and have cunnilingus all day. Her fantasies might not even be sexual.
3.Most human beings enter romantic relationships (and stay in these relationships) because of shared needs, goals and desires. Share something already. Communicate.
4.Now that you are ready to communicate- get out there. If you are alone, and you don’t want to be, than get your ass out there.
5.Check out the local Munch scene. If you aren’t certain what’s available, do a google search of “Your State” and “BDSM” and “Munch.”
6.Go online. Some of the better places to look: www.collarme.com | www.fetlife.com. There are a number of fetish specific sites for things like AB, ANR, Shoes/Feet, etc. Get on them. ALT and Bondage are expensive for the better features- but they aren’t bad per se. Also go on boards like Literotica- there are a LOT of kinky people there.
7.Participate. If you are going online, have a positive profile that really shares who you are. You can save the kinks for later if it makes you uncomfortable, but gently hint that you have some prurient interests to explore.
8.No whining on your profile! Be upbeat and positive.
9.No kink of Facebook or Myspace. These online places are great- but they are directed towards teenagers and family. Be appropriate.
10.Don’t grovel. You may want to be submissive- but before you can be on your knees, you have to stand on your feet.
11.Find your worth. In the dating process, you have to know why you have value. Believe in yourself.
12.In opening communications with any potential partner only hint at the kinks. It’s okay to tell someone you like that you have some fun fetishes and fantasies that you can’t wait to share with them. It’s not okay to tell someone that you haven’t connected to yet how much you want them to own your cock or fuck your ass or … Patience young Jedi.
13.Face before penis. That’s the picture rule. Send a nice face pic first… and then later send a cock shot. Ask first about the cock shot.
14.Don’t be creepy or hypersexual until she is ready for it, especially if you haven’t met in person first. It’s great you have a feminine side, but she may not be ready for the fact that you love to pay young women to hand you their panties so you can put them on, and that you have a collection of 200 pairs you have collected this way. It’s wonderful you love long hair- but don’t ask for a lock of hers to masturbate with. If you have to ask whether an action is okay- it probably isn’t.
15.Be nice. No insults. No trolling. Even if the partner of your dreams never replies, please don’t reply back with how much of a stuck-up bitch she is. It’s not just that this isn’t the slightest bit productive, but it also puts you in the wrong place. When you think all women come from the “Land of Stuck-Up Bitches”, happily ever after is a long, long way away.
16.If you are communicating by email or text: grammar and punctuation are sexy. Grown women like men who are grown-ups.
17.Don’t lie, particularly about anything where the lie will be obvious when she sees you. Twenty pounds and a couple inches of height can be delicately fudged. Sending a picture from your twenties after your fortieth birthday isn’t right. Not only is it a lie- but it’s a lie that doesn’t get you what you want. There are many women (myself included) who think older is better.
18.If you are submissive– give your submission as a gift, not something she gets as a matter of course. Your submission to her is something of value, treat it that way.
19.Unless you are poly, do not mention past partners in the first ten communications with a new one. Just don’t. No “I just went through a difficult break-up” or any other kind of whining about your ex. State your status: single/divorced/widower and leave it at that. If you aren’t able to do that, spend some time getting over your -ex before you find someone else.
20.Young woman usually don’t want much older partners unless they are successful. Fact of life. If you are 40+ seeking 18-25 arm candy, be prepared to be an ATM with legs. There is nothing wrong with this: you want her for something she has, she wants you for something you have.
21.NO STALKING. No cyber stalking. It’s one thing to google someone to figure out what they have done. It’s another to know all of their movements all the time.
22.Wait until you meet before commitment. No matter how great that 4 hour phone conversation is- until you have had one in public- make no promises.
23.Don’t give up. So you didn’t find someone the first day, keep at it.

This actually came from my blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

Cheers!

Alison

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1azzu1
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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by 1azzu1 » Sun May 02, 2010 3:45 pm

really worth the read...
alltho i really hate this part:

16.If you are communicating by email or text: grammar and punctuation are sexy. Grown women like men who are grown-ups.


becous im really bad at grammar :-/

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green
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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by green » Sun May 02, 2010 4:10 pm

really worth the read...
I do agree.

Even though there are some points where I'd rather disagree as well...

Thanks for sharing :-)

~green~
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Alison
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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by Alison » Sun May 02, 2010 5:08 pm

Thanks!

If there are parts you disagree with- share already!

What are your recommendations!

Alison

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by Heathcliff » Sun May 02, 2010 7:19 pm

Glad to see this sticky'ed. Really agree with everything that's been said, especially with number 15. While I'm far from "nice" on occasion, I always treat people with reasonable level of respect. As long as you treat me with respect I'll do the same. (Even If I personally don't share your kink/like you as a person.)

Alison, would you mind terribly if I linked to your blog post on FetLife? I always seem to see people (guys mostly) making these mistakes in various posts and it would be nice to have a canned response. ;-)

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Alison
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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by Alison » Sun May 02, 2010 9:49 pm

Heathcliff wrote:Glad to see this sticky'ed. Really agree with everything that's been said, especially with number 15. While I'm far from "nice" on occasion, I always treat people with reasonable level of respect. As long as you treat me with respect I'll do the same. (Even If I personally don't share your kink/like you as a person.)

Alison, would you mind terribly if I linked to your blog post on FetLife? I always seem to see people (guys mostly) making these mistakes in various posts and it would be nice to have a canned response. ;-)
Thank you!

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by darkstar » Mon May 03, 2010 11:14 pm

im on fetlife and one thing they do is munches.

social non threatening and non kink events designed to meet people and get to know the grouo dynamic.


the ones i have been at are acutly designed to prevent older and more "powerful" doms using it as a meat market

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by Akasha » Wed May 05, 2010 2:01 am

Great post.
Since people who read this are actually...*reading* a message board, I'll add that while CM and Fetlife are places to meet partners, really, the best way to network is to post on message boards. Post! Post and get to know people, and allow people to get to know you. I can't count how many partners I have met over the years, on many, many message boards, because I read their words often, got to know them, and developed a crush of sorts.

I have seen a LOT of "hook ups" over message boards, some landing into long term relationships.

So post - post frequently, post on different topics, and let people get to know you.

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by Heathcliff » Wed May 05, 2010 2:14 am

Akasha wrote:Great post.
Post! Post and get to know people, and allow people to get to know you. I can't count how many partners I have met over the years, on many, many message boards, because I read their words often, got to know them, and developed a crush of sorts.
Excellent advice.

Familiarity breeds affection, and the more you get to know people the more chances you get to meet a "partner." Same reason I'm mostly on fetlife for the conversation actually: my capacity for interest in someone is directly proportional to how much I can "get in their head" for lack of a better term.

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by NeverAgain » Sun May 16, 2010 12:04 pm

that is some GREAT advice, thankyou. i've actually used it and my relationship is all the better for your help so thankyou. It takes me a lot to bring me out of stalker mode :lol:

i thought i would share a couple more helpful points:

Dont expect a girl to even know if they like any of this stuff. Mine woulden't have known what bdsm or teasing was, so i introduced it to her slowly. Most women would likely say they would never be turned on by denying their partner, but try to get her talking a bit dirty, it dosent matter about what, over the phone or text, then mention to her that you are in a public place and how frustrating it was for you. Some women would be distressed by that, but mine and many others would find either your frustration funny or strangely arousing, find out if they did and that can be an ideal time to mention that you actually thought it was quite sexy being in that situation. Mine left the subject there and i wondered if it was a bad move until she sent me a photo and text when she knew i would be at work and unable to stroke for hours.

The other thing i wanted to share, is obviously make friends and go out with the person like any other girlfriend, dont really think about then domming you. make the transition as naturally as possible. I did this through often mentioning that i consider pleasing her to be more important then her pleasing me, going down on her more then usual, basically naturally inserting myself into the position i want to be in in the relationship, instead of telling her that her bf that she considers herself on equal terms with is actually submissive.

hope this helps any of you as much as the OP helped me.

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by greiver » Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:35 pm

Hey all,

this is my first contact with anyone on the site i would just like to say that i agree with the initial post and think it was a wisely presented set of rules. Thankyou. I especially agree that respecting each other is key and not only about the individual and what they want. I really enjoyed reading this post and hope to hear more like this x

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by daka2 » Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:10 am

Just found this site and loved your post, Alison! Thanks for the excellent read and advice! So far, I've only gotten to the point where I felt like opening up about some of my fantasies in my most recent relationship--It was very liberating and sexy of course! I'm pretty young so got lots of time to explore! Anyways I just wanted to say that your post was a great and very welcoming piece. Glad it is sticky'd

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by baultista » Thu Jan 06, 2011 4:01 am

Most of that is good advice for relationships in general.

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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by janegirl » Sat Mar 26, 2011 7:11 pm

The last post was Jan 2011. Is any one reading this?

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masterstroke
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Re: Finding a Kinky Partner

Post by masterstroke » Mon Mar 28, 2011 2:23 pm

janegirl wrote:The last post was Jan 2011. Is any one reading this?
Reading and posting are two different actions. Reading it means someone has looked at it. Posting means someone has added to the thread. If I'm not mistaken, this thread is also a sticky which means its position doesn't change no matter how many people post to it.

Evidently someone is reading it or at least opening it up. Its been up for approximately 11 months. (May 2010 through March 2011 which is roughly 11 months or 330 days) Approximately 5000 people have looked at the post. That translates to about 15 people per day looking at the post if the post was looked at equally each day and all 5000 people who looked at were different (which is probably not the case).

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