Let's get started, l'il bit. I'm not sure, though, that you've got the endurance based on past performance.
SPADES: If you drew a spade, edge once. Else, stroke 100 times at medium speed.
HEARTS: If you drew a 2-5, stroke at your own speed for that many minutes. If you drew 6-10, divide that number in half and stroke at slow speed for that many minutes. If you drew a Jack, slap your balls from beneath, rapidly, for one minute.
DIAMONDS: If you drew a diamond, tie off your balls, with one piece dangling off each side and edge twice, 20 seconds between; else, edge three times with 30 seconds between.
CLUBS: 2-5, stroke 50 times fast. 6-10, stroke 100 times fast. Jack, edge once.