I've got the answer to both of those problems! We're going to dress you up like a girl.
Go and get your little make-up bag, and as many girly clothes as you can find, maybe a nice frilly dress? How about some high heels, or ballerina flats? If this doesn't work, I'll at least get a good laugh out of it.
Dress yourself up as pretty as you can, bitch. Remember, I could go and find someone better than you at any time, so do a good job!
You may continue when you're all dolled up.