Milovana.com

I liked it. Well written tease with an interesting concept to boot. The only thing I would bring up is this: why does Alice talk like a generic Shirley Temple? In the books she was well spoken. Also, it's kinda creepy putting a voice that says things like wittle to a superhot adult.

I liked it, also. I would love to see a sequel.

Bill

Yeah, I was in two minds about that. To me, the model seemed to give off that cute, gentle thing. So I thought I'd reflect that in the language. Then your thought came to me JUST as I'd finished her section. Alice doesn't talk at all like that, so I started to delete some of the language. But then I wanted to start the next girl.

I think, initially she was supposed to talk down to you in a gentle way, sought of as an establishing character.


I might change it so she's more eloquent.

I agree with the prior posts, I found Alice's little girl talk creepy and distracting. You have a good idea, stay in the adult world, and definitly write another.

Good luck!

Big fan of this one. Good god where did you get the pictures? They made the tease for me. Any chance you could share the source? Would love to use them in my tease instructor sessions.

Great tease, please do more!

Got some free time again. Anything anyone wants to see in the sequel?

T-rix wrote:Got some free time again. Anything anyone wants to see in the sequel?

The more humiliating the better, the more creative ideas the better. Things that haven't been done.

With that said, good job on the first tease!

Yeah, it got hard at the end with trying not to repeat things. A lot of things have been done before as well.