You Guys!
Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 6:44 am
You guys are crazy as hell. lol!!! Wonderful, talented and accomplished writers I've found on this site. Totally off-topic, but here's a goofy fun thing to read, something for a bored down-time between horniness spells. Very goofy, heads up, something for you guys to read when you are just terribly bored.
A Pirate Story
For awhile I was fortunate to be employed as the navigator on a wonderfully fast schooner. Actually, I was hired because of my meteorology experience from when I had served in the Navy, but the previous navigator was demoted to Cabin-Boy after nearly running the ship over the edge of the world. Seeming to be the most qualified, I had taken over the position of Navigator. Because of my knowledge of weather patterns I had a knack for determining where the edge of the world lay, and so far had been able to keep us atop the world by directing the pilot to steer when we appeared to be close to falling off.
We were sailing South along the coast of Africa (or perhaps East, sometimes it’s hard to tell which as I find maps easier to read when held upside down) and I spotted a boat-load of midgets with what appeared to be a cargo of dinosaurs. Because of the recent shortage of dinosaurs, I was somewhat impressed by the quantity being carried by this particular boat-load of midgets. I could only assume they were being delivered to the midgets’ Pygmy cousins to assist in farm work. I looked through my telescope, only to see what appeared to be a butt in tight leggings at several miles distance. Upon moving to the other end of the telescope, I tried again and saw the ocean’s surface only a few inches in front of my nose. Since neither of us can remember whether port or starboard means left or right, I simply pointed while asking to the Pilot, “Steer!”Because I pointed to the left, Pilot thought I wanted to go starboard and turned us to the right. After spinning a complete 360 degrees, I looked through the telescope again only to have the exact same view as before, so I told the Pilot, “Steer again, this time to the Port!” A gust of wind caught us, counteracting his effort to steer any particular direction and we again spun a full 360 degrees, but this time Pilot continued to steer for twenty more degrees, at which time the foreign ship was lined up with my scope. Unfortunately, upon gazing through it again, I could only see the bottom of their boat along the waterline. I directed our Pilot, “Engage the flying mechanism, raise the stern!” Another quick glance through the telescope showed only water, I quickly shouted, “No, No! The FRONT of the ship, Raise the FRONT!” As the aft settled back into the water and the front began to raise, a clear view of the other ship came into focus through the telescope, and just as I suspected, I saw it was a boat-load of midgets transporting a cargo of dinosaurs.
As the day was exceptionally hot, I yelled to our Captain, “It’s time to go a-pirating! Save the Earth!”
He immediately responded with a shout of, “Raise the Jolly Badger! Save the Earth!” and up went the black flag with its picture of a squirrel eating a frozen Icey-Pop bar. “Cabin-Boy, bring up some candy from the hold!”
The Cabin-Boy, being a bit disgruntled by his recent demotion, was constantly complaining and muttered, “But those aren’t even children, they’re just a bunch of pint-sized retards with an affinity for holding gay orgies. They only have a beagle’s level of IQ and they’re barely dextrous enough to hold a turd in their own buttholes... Little Keebler bastards...”
The Captain had grown weary of this incessant whining, turned to him and said, “Okay, never mind the candy. Just get the plank, we’re gonna have us a good full walking today.”
Last I ever saw of that previous navigator- slash- Cabin Boy- slash- ship’s bitch- he was hanging off the side of the schooner by a rope, scraping plankton off the hull.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
In the meantime, we’d pulled full aside the boat-load of midgets. They were playing a game of Naked Ring-Around-the-Rosy but became scared at the sight of our Jolly Badger. They immediately formed a naked midget human pyramid on deck, then one of the larger ones (at two-foot six and around two hundred sixty pounds) climbed to the top. His breathing was so heavy after such a strenuous exercise, and his breath hit the sail... The ship took off in a gust of speed. I tried to shout a warning, but it was too late, their ship fell off the edge of the world. Pilot steered, we changed direction and continued on our voyage, a wonderful world tour of handing out candy to children of all cultures. Pirates we are, what a life! Save the Earth!
A Pirate Story
For awhile I was fortunate to be employed as the navigator on a wonderfully fast schooner. Actually, I was hired because of my meteorology experience from when I had served in the Navy, but the previous navigator was demoted to Cabin-Boy after nearly running the ship over the edge of the world. Seeming to be the most qualified, I had taken over the position of Navigator. Because of my knowledge of weather patterns I had a knack for determining where the edge of the world lay, and so far had been able to keep us atop the world by directing the pilot to steer when we appeared to be close to falling off.
We were sailing South along the coast of Africa (or perhaps East, sometimes it’s hard to tell which as I find maps easier to read when held upside down) and I spotted a boat-load of midgets with what appeared to be a cargo of dinosaurs. Because of the recent shortage of dinosaurs, I was somewhat impressed by the quantity being carried by this particular boat-load of midgets. I could only assume they were being delivered to the midgets’ Pygmy cousins to assist in farm work. I looked through my telescope, only to see what appeared to be a butt in tight leggings at several miles distance. Upon moving to the other end of the telescope, I tried again and saw the ocean’s surface only a few inches in front of my nose. Since neither of us can remember whether port or starboard means left or right, I simply pointed while asking to the Pilot, “Steer!”Because I pointed to the left, Pilot thought I wanted to go starboard and turned us to the right. After spinning a complete 360 degrees, I looked through the telescope again only to have the exact same view as before, so I told the Pilot, “Steer again, this time to the Port!” A gust of wind caught us, counteracting his effort to steer any particular direction and we again spun a full 360 degrees, but this time Pilot continued to steer for twenty more degrees, at which time the foreign ship was lined up with my scope. Unfortunately, upon gazing through it again, I could only see the bottom of their boat along the waterline. I directed our Pilot, “Engage the flying mechanism, raise the stern!” Another quick glance through the telescope showed only water, I quickly shouted, “No, No! The FRONT of the ship, Raise the FRONT!” As the aft settled back into the water and the front began to raise, a clear view of the other ship came into focus through the telescope, and just as I suspected, I saw it was a boat-load of midgets transporting a cargo of dinosaurs.
As the day was exceptionally hot, I yelled to our Captain, “It’s time to go a-pirating! Save the Earth!”
He immediately responded with a shout of, “Raise the Jolly Badger! Save the Earth!” and up went the black flag with its picture of a squirrel eating a frozen Icey-Pop bar. “Cabin-Boy, bring up some candy from the hold!”
The Cabin-Boy, being a bit disgruntled by his recent demotion, was constantly complaining and muttered, “But those aren’t even children, they’re just a bunch of pint-sized retards with an affinity for holding gay orgies. They only have a beagle’s level of IQ and they’re barely dextrous enough to hold a turd in their own buttholes... Little Keebler bastards...”
The Captain had grown weary of this incessant whining, turned to him and said, “Okay, never mind the candy. Just get the plank, we’re gonna have us a good full walking today.”
Last I ever saw of that previous navigator- slash- Cabin Boy- slash- ship’s bitch- he was hanging off the side of the schooner by a rope, scraping plankton off the hull.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
In the meantime, we’d pulled full aside the boat-load of midgets. They were playing a game of Naked Ring-Around-the-Rosy but became scared at the sight of our Jolly Badger. They immediately formed a naked midget human pyramid on deck, then one of the larger ones (at two-foot six and around two hundred sixty pounds) climbed to the top. His breathing was so heavy after such a strenuous exercise, and his breath hit the sail... The ship took off in a gust of speed. I tried to shout a warning, but it was too late, their ship fell off the edge of the world. Pilot steered, we changed direction and continued on our voyage, a wonderful world tour of handing out candy to children of all cultures. Pirates we are, what a life! Save the Earth!