Milovana.com

so i don't normally think of this place as the type of place to rant about your life, but i'm in a situation that i think only people here could understand or provide meaningful feedback on.

back in 2006 i met a dominant woman at a munch whom i was instantly attracted to. when she got up to leave, i pretended i was going out for a cigarette and followed her out, offered to carry her stuff to her car, and when we got there, i brought up the courage to ask if she wanted to get together some time. she said that would be great.

about a month later she took me to a bdsm club in philadelphia as her slave for the night, and i had my first ever bdsm experience. it was amazing. and beyond that, SHE was amazing. she knew exactly how to get me going... what to do, what to say, everything.

pretty soon we were going there more often, and we entertained the idea of me becoming her slave. she was married but her husband was open to her having a slave so it was all cool. but then, suddenly, out of nowhere, she completely stops talking to me.

i'm in the dark about her for about a year, missing her, hoping she'll eventually come back and say she wants me to be hers. then when i had almost given up hope, she responds to one of my emails. she says she's missed me, that she couldn't talk to me for a year because her husband's mother had died and she had to be there for him, and that now she wants to get back together with me.

pretty soon she has collared me, and is controlling my orgasms, meeting up with me regularly. i'm living a dream. i fall in love with her. and just like that, she disappears again. i graduate college and expect never to see her again.

but she gets back in contact. says she hadn't been talking to me because she had gotten sick, with fibromyalgia. she says she might not be able to inflict the kind of pain i like anymore because of her illness and that it was understandable if i didn't want to be hers anymore. but i tell her no, it's fine, i'll just serve her and it doesn't matter if she can inflict pain or not.

we meet up a few more times and i do everything for her. she talks about divorcing her husband and moving to another state with me. we kiss for the first time, and it's beautiful. i decide i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

then she cuts off contact with me for a month. when she emails again, she says she's got too much to deal with right now. i tell her she has to be up front with me and tell me when she won't be able to talk.

she tells me she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me if i'm telling her what she can and can't do. i tell her it has nothing to do with that, it's just we need communication if we're going to have a good relationship.

no response. i call her and she doesn't pick up.

finally i break down. i email her and tell her i love her, i'm devoted to her, i'm her sub, and that it's pointless for me to give terms to our relationship, because even if she cuts off contact with me again, when she comes back i'll be right there for her, whether i like it or not, i'm hers, and there's nothing i can do about it.

am i an idiot? maybe i am. but i know i'll never meet a girl like her again. i have to be patient with her... so that maybe one day it won't be like this... maybe one day i'll have the kind of relationship i want with her.

Fibromyalgia is no picnic. Sufferers live on a bad roulette wheel. One day they might be okay, the next in agony they can't escape. I think your Superior has been doing very well to see you at all in her condition.
Incidentally, I believe some sufferers of chronic pain benefit hugely from using medical marijuana. I don't know whether yours is one of the 13 States which have legalised this, but it may be worth finding out.
I hope you get back together with Her, She sounds fantastic! But if not, at least you've had some great times!


PS, texturedshroom, I've enjoyed some of your teases very much! Thanks!

This one's pretty easy if you step outside the situation. Your on either the 3rd or 4th time of her just not having anything to do with you for months or more at a time. Whatever the reason the math doesn't lie. The only way you could justify keeping anything more than a random here and there fling with this woman is if you accept beforehand that it doesn't matter how long you get a good thing going for, there is gonna be another day where 'something' comes up and poof she's gone...again.

Just keep in mind that you're aware of this reality and it is on you if you let it continue. What i mean is she's not gonna change, people don't in these kinda ways, so don't think some arbitrary condition is will change her. For example people get married all the time, and the main concept/condition of getting married is "DON'T CHEAT." Hence here in the states divorce exceeds 50% (its somewhere between 55 and 60 i believe) and cheating while married is so rampant it ought to just be a vow. My point is rules, vows, and conditions mean nothing and don't change who someone is. You figure out why someone does something and perhaps then you can convince them to stop, at which point you've changed the one you loved anyway and so just be happy with the way things are or MOVE ON cause I'd bet you'd feel alot better after the fact if you just are to busy next time she calls/messages. And you may even receive a bit of your own desperation from her. Don't fall for it, see that your being used and try to find someone who appreciates your attention and shows it with a little bit of RESPECT.

If it doesn't bother you that this frequently happens than i guess go for it...but lets be honest you wouldn't be posting if it didn't get to you at least alittle.

Hope you can take something from all that I'm extremely tired and did get a chance to proof read.

First, if you just graduated college, than it's safe to assume you are young. Know this throughout your entire life.... every one you meet goes away in the end. You will part with everyone at some point. Always, always,always take the good and leave the bad. Appreciate it all for what it is and nothing more. You knew this situation spelled "BAD" to begin with. You also saw something you wanted in a selfish way. It's NEVER a good idea to get in the middle of a marriage, i'm hesitant if the Mistress even has a boyfriend, let alone a husband and i normally won't pursue that either. And you may be wrong...... You might meet someone ten times better than her. Have you surfed the web lately, There are Dommes, munches, fetish parties and activities galore..... Just know that it is not an entitlement in life to finally meet the one, it is in fact a gift and then you have to hope that the "one" got just as lucky as you, hence the hugely high divorce rate. Smile and decide and move on with whatever decision you choose. Also, have some more experience in this arena before you "know" that she was perfect. There are a lot of women out there with a lot of different styles and personalities relating to this. One last thing, didn't you say you were bisexual, you may want to take a look deeper inside before you finalize your decision. She owes you nothing. i wish you the best with it all.

Thanks for the advice everyone, and I appreciate it. I guess, all other things considered, this is my problem: I can't resist her. I know it's pointless to try to get over her because every time she comes back into my life I'll just fall back into the same thing.

I know some of you might think of me as a weak person for this, but I'll be honest... I am a weak person. It should suffice to say she is not the only addiction I've had trouble breaking free of.

I could talk about other things... like how on an emotional and intellectual level, I've never felt more connected with anyone than I do with her... but I'll spare you all the details. Thanks for the advice and support. There may come a time down the road when it helps me, but I have a feeling that day won't be today.

I am sorry for your loss

The difficulty of a complicated relationship is one I have also travled.

I have no advice
Exept to say

We are here for you
There are people who understand

Hug (in a non-sexual not gay way- just to comfort)

I want to respond to nomeuno directly because his advice was very thought-out, despite our clashes in the past.

nomeuno wrote:First, if you just graduated college, than it's safe to assume/ you are young. Know this throughout your entire life.... every one you meet goes away in the end. You will part with everyone at some point.

I am young, but old enough to know that you're right about that. I've already had friends die and already lost touch with a lot of old lovers. But I also know there are people I wish I hadn't lost touch with because of some stupid bit of pride I held. And I have a feeling I'll regret it if I stop talking to her. I think maybe we started moving too fast, with the things we've been talking about lately. I just want to be her sub and nothing more. I don't have to be her lover or her husband.

She really is... it's unexplainable the way I connect with her. There are certain people who are special and whom you never want to lose touch with prematurely. Even if I stop being her sub, I still want to be her friend.

You knew this situation spelled "BAD" to begin with.

Call me naive, but I didn't. I was 21 and a woman wanted to whip me.

And you may be wrong...... You might meet someone ten times better than her. Have you surfed the web lately, There are Dommes, munches, fetish parties and activities galore.....

The statistical truth is, there are way more submissive men out there than Dominant women. No matter how the industry tries to sell Dominant Women, they're in actuality a rare gem. I've found one so why shouldn't I do everything I can to hold on to her?

Just know that it is not an entitlement in life to finally meet the one, it is in fact a gift and then you have to hope that the "one" got just as lucky as you, hence the hugely high divorce rate.

Thanks.

One last thing, didn't you say you were bisexual, you may want to take a look deeper inside before you finalize your decision.

I've looked deep inside myself on this issue. Basically, I enjoy being physically intimate with men but I have no desire to ever have a relationship with one. I had a Dom who was trying to make me his sub around the same time She was back when I was 21, and I really didn't feel Him. He was very well off and I could be living pretty comfortably if I had stuck with him. But beyond play I had no desire for a relationship with him. Nor do I desire a relationship with any man.

Consider two different, but thankfully non-mutually exclusive objectives:

1. Find a woman to love that loves you unconditionally and treats you with respect;
2. Find a woman that excites you by catering to your sexual kinks.

Outside of obtaining both, I'd much, much prefer (1) to (2). And mark my words...10 short years from now, you will too.

My wife has no interest in fulfilling my sexual fantasies, except on rare and prized occasion. But she calls me at work most days just to tell me she loves me. I would say we have a wonderful, mutually respectful marriage. But we're also very, very busy people. I don't have time (except some lunch breaks!) to fantasize about being at the end of the leash of some hot babe that spent two hours squeezing into a leather bodice.

So, I just don't see how you can claim to be willing to spend the rest of your life with a woman that doesn't respect you enough to keep you informed before vanishing from your life repeatedly. You deserve more. Coming out of a failed marriage, she deserves more, too. My guess is that she's simply at a very different place in her life than you are.

And I guess your needs and values will change a lot during the next several years. Being allowed to serve her in the short term seems a poor reason to declare a readiness to devote your life to her.

And "nomeuno" is absolutely correct: Never get involved in a marriage. Their marriage sounds troubled, but unless you've been there you can't possibly grasp the complexities and depth of their feelings for one another, troubled and angry or not. Let them work this out for themselves before you put yourself forward as her suitor (yes...that expression dates me!). If she's really the right person at the right time, you'll know then.

And thanks for being such a great Milovana community member, Shroom.

You are involved with a woman who has a very complicated life. She is sick and she is going throught a difficult marriage. A woman in her position is probably very confused and needs time to pull her life together. She needs now somebody who really cares about her.
Maybe she was just using you and maybe you just want to use her now, even if you don't realize that.
However from what you wrote i think it is clear that

1) she's not at peace with herself
2) you don't seem to know what you want: first you said that you love her and want to spend the life with her, then you said you just want to be her sub, or at least friend...

Well, these 2 considerations trigger more than one allarm in my mind and since I never resist the temptation to give somebody some wise advices that i would not be able to follow myself, I think you should stay away from that woman for the sake of both. There is plenty more fish in the ocean!
The words of subhubby seems to me very wise, love and respect are very important ingredients even in a very kinky relationship. I'd better stop now before I start talking like grandpa.

I wish you the best , whatever you decide to do.

texturedshroom wrote: The statistical truth is, there are way more submissive men out there than Dominant women. No matter how the industry tries to sell Dominant Women, they're in actuality a rare gem. I've found one so why shouldn't I do everything I can to hold on to her?

You've already done much better than most of those submissive men. You met and wooed a dominant woman at a munch and you referenced "a lot of old lovers" that you have lost touch with already, at your young age. You've got game, kid. Don't worry about the ratio of women to men -- it doesn't seem to affect you.

I think nomeuno's right - you're likely to find somebody better in the future.

subhubby wrote:Consider two different, but thankfully non-mutually exclusive objectives:

1. Find a woman to love that loves you unconditionally and treats you with respect;
2. Find a woman that excites you by catering to your sexual kinks.

I agree with Subhubby here.
My wife knows about my kinks, is okay with this site, but as for now does not often treat me to denial.
(of course I have not been married long)

One of the best secrets is to find someone who is happy with themselves and is dating for fun. Not because they need anything, but because they want to. I have gone through several bad break-ups.
I discovered that until I was happy with myself, I was looking for something to fix me and often dated others who needed something (money, love) but were not happy with themselves.

Do not let bad circumstances fool you.
you already have everything you need,
or a way of getting it.
look for what you want.