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Hi there,

As the most of us here I love being teased and denied. As lots of you I'm having trouble living my fetish in real life.

First of all: I have a lovely, beautiful and fun girl friend. We explore and enjoy Sex a lot. She knows about my preferences and we practice denial every now and then and it's great. She enjoys it more since we started talking about it more and making it more fun for both of us.

However: she enjoys me cumming even more. When we play she often looks at me, gives in and says "I just love it when you cum".

I know that's something I can't change, nor do I want to change her. Same as she can't change the fact that I want to be blue balled and a desperate mess.

Anyway: if any of you have any recommendations on how to make my denial more pleasurable to her. Please feel free to share :)

Show her your orgasm when you've rushed through it to cum in 2 minutes.

Show her your orgasm after being teased and denied for weeks, edged to the point of no return, then finally get release.

In my experience one of those is certainly more powerful, and you might be able to make her see that aspect of it.

Shattered's idea is good for sure. A little more information might also help us give some advice since context can be important!

As a couple are you in a Dom/Sub relationship, or is D/S something you just play with time to time? It might also help to know if you and your girlfriend are naturally subs, switches or dom(me)s.

Other than that, absolutely keep talking to her about both of your preferences. Sounds like she's pretty open to trying new things which is awesome, because sometimes it's surprising what we find we like (my girlfriend thought the idea of ballbusting was a bit strange and counter-intuitive, then she tried it and she might enjoy it a little too much sometimes )

So one idea is to maybe set aside a block of time to try some focused tease and denial. Maybe it's a week, maybe two. Really see how interesting and fun you can make it for both of you. Experiment with it, try any fun ideas either of you have for while you're denied. Maybe she finds some things she really enjoys while trying it out.

Another option is looking at some sort of compromise, fo which orgasm control comes to mind. Sure control can at times include denial, but there are so many other devious ideas and techniques around this site for how she could take complete control of your orgasm, dictating when and how you cum. Depending what you are into these can include anything from ruined orgasms, prostate milking, CEI type activities, post-orgasm torture, forced orgasms or trying to make you cum from CBT/ballbusting. Some creativity can make for a whole lot of variations on these themes too. And of course, if used well ruined orgasms can leave you almost as horny (or worse if you're me) than a straight up denial!

Last thought is adding incidental teasing to your day if you two don't already do this. This can help make you feel constantly horny and desperate to cum without needing as long of outright denial periods to get there. All this means is instead of focusing all the teasing to dedicated play time, is having her get you horny and edge you a few times in the 10 minutes before you walk out the door, while you watch TV or just whenever there's a quick chance and she feels like it.

First of all thanks a lot to both of you for taking the time to answer!

We are actually pretty vanilla, she'd normally prefer passionate, wild sex but the thing is she's much more romantic. I'd say she wants to be turned on before you just start stroking or so, she doesn't want it to be too "crude" if that makes sense? I also doubt she'd be ready for anything like CBT (only very soft) or CEI, I hate the latter but probably could be convinced by her.

Anyway she *is* very open and coming out of her shell recently. We tried some toys, but with regard to T&D I've been trying to sell her the idea for quite some time. We had occasional "sessions" and a ruined orgasm here and there. But only a couple of months ago I was able to explain to her (in writing) what I crave about T&D, how it's about her, more than just getting off. She seems to enjoy that aspect of it much more. An additional "problem" for her seems to be that she finds it less pleasing to have sex when I'm denied since I obviously don't last as long then. The idea of ruined orgasms might help and she seems to like that thought, more as practical reason than to see me "suffer" I'm afraid (I think).

Still the main hurdle is: She just loves to see me get relief, she enjoys the moment I cum, the fulfillment of it. It's not only that I think she finds it a little hard to be cruel, but simply that it gives her pleasure when I get pleasure.

The idea of showing her how much more powerful my orgasm is after denial could definitely help, I'd still love to find a way to make my "suffering" more enjoyable for her if you know what I mean?

brian wrote: Tue Nov 10, 2020 7:27 pm First of all thanks a lot to both of you for taking the time to answer!

We are actually pretty vanilla, she'd normally prefer passionate, wild sex but the thing is she's much more romantic. I'd say she wants to be turned on before you just start stroking or so, she doesn't want it to be too "crude" if that makes sense? I also doubt she'd be ready for anything like CBT (only very soft) or CEI, I hate the latter but probably could be convinced by her.

Anyway she *is* very open and coming out of her shell recently. We tried some toys, but with regard to T&D I've been trying to sell her the idea for quite some time. We had occasional "sessions" and a ruined orgasm here and there. But only a couple of months ago I was able to explain to her (in writing) what I crave about T&D, how it's about her, more than just getting off. She seems to enjoy that aspect of it much more. An additional "problem" for her seems to be that she finds it less pleasing to have sex when I'm denied since I obviously don't last as long then. The idea of ruined orgasms might help and she seems to like that thought, more as practical reason than to see me "suffer" I'm afraid (I think).

Still the main hurdle is: She just loves to see me get relief, she enjoys the moment I cum, the fulfillment of it. It's not only that I think she finds it a little hard to be cruel, but simply that it gives her pleasure when I get pleasure.

The idea of showing her how much more powerful my orgasm is after denial could definitely help, I'd still love to find a way to make my "suffering" more enjoyable for her if you know what I mean?

Suffer now, and the moment of eventual release is that much better. I think that's a good place to start as enjoying actual suffering might be harder to inspire!

Okay! Knowing that you two are pretty vanilla actually helps a lot. I still like Shattered's suggestion, and you can even make it into a fun, kinky sort of game for the two of you to play. Pitch it as: how much fun can we have while I can't cum for a week (or two weeks, pick your time frame and go for it)? This might limit how much actual intercourse you can handle of course, but there should be lots of other ways to make her feel great (even toys if you are both comfortable with it).

Bigger picture, you might want to talk with your girlfriend about what you are both into at a more general level. You don't need to be in a D/S situation to play with tease and denial, but the two do often go together. Does she have any desire to take control at all during play time? If she's not at all drawn to dominance, then you might need to get more creative around how to work T&D into your sex lives. If she is curious about being in control, then T&D is a natural tool for her to try out.

The 'crude' and 'cruel' descriptions you used made me think of something too. Too often on the internet/porn I find D/S type content is portrayed as a cruel/crazy/vicious dominant absolutely working over their sub/slave to make them suffer. This is however, not at all the only way to enjoy D/S. Personally I much prefer a more loving and caring style of domination where it's all about trust and willingly giving up control. The best part is, just because the tone is more loving doesn't mean the dominant has to be less demanding. In my case a supportive domme who shows respect to me as the sub can get me to do things and push farther than any sort of 'bitchy' domme style ever could. It's not about the acts, but the tone around them. If I'm not making sense, an example in the spoiler, but if this is obvious to you feel free to skip it:

Spoiler: show

A quick ballbusting example since it's a pretty harsh kink so it makes the point really well:

A bitchy domme might kick me in the balls so I drop to the ground, call me a loser for not being able to take it and then stomp on my useless balls to drive her point home.

A more caring/loving domme who knows it's a turn on for me to let her bust me might kick me in the balls hard enough to make me drop, then lean down to give me a little kiss, whisper she knows I can take more for her and then proceed to stomp on them.

Exact same kinky acts which bust my balls just as hard, but an entirely different feel and motivation to why they're being done.

For me that's one of the keys of D/S interactions, is it works best when both sides are really in it to make their partners feel amazing (not matter what the RP of it might look like). The trick is to realize that certain things can be such a huge turn on or feel amazing to different people. In your case, being teased, denied and able to hold back until your girlfriend finally grants you a huge orgasm might be one of the biggest turns ons. You likely already have, but see if you can explain to her how this might actually make you feel even more amazing than getting to cum all the time. Couple that with some methods to make sure she can get all the pleasure she wants from sex (toys, oral...anything you two need) and it should be an attractive option.

Last thought. If she's just not at all into the idea of control or dominance, turning T&D into some sort of game you can both play at times might be one way to work it into your sex life. Even if she does want to try being in control, sometimes feeling like you have to make all the decisions can be super intimidating! So, you two might look at making up a sort of game (or joining one here on the forums) which can help to dictate when you get to cum, denying you the rest of the time. It can be anything from the super simple (roll a die every time you make her cum, only a certain number lets you cum) to as intricate as you want to make it.

Helequin wrote: Wed Nov 11, 2020 3:07 am The 'crude' and 'cruel' descriptions you used made me think of something too. Too often on the internet/porn I find D/S type content is portrayed as a cruel/crazy/vicious dominant absolutely working over their sub/slave to make them suffer. This is however, not at all the only way to enjoy D/S. Personally I much prefer a more loving and caring style of domination where it's all about trust and willingly giving up control. The best part is, just because the tone is more loving doesn't mean the dominant has to be less demanding. In my case a supportive domme who shows respect to me as the sub can get me to do things and push farther than any sort of 'bitchy' domme style ever could. It's not about the acts, but the tone around them. If I'm not making sense, an example in the spoiler, but if this is obvious to you feel free to skip it:

Spoiler: show

A quick ballbusting example since it's a pretty harsh kink so it makes the point really well:

A bitchy domme might kick me in the balls so I drop to the ground, call me a loser for not being able to take it and then stomp on my useless balls to drive her point home.

A more caring/loving domme who knows it's a turn on for me to let her bust me might kick me in the balls hard enough to make me drop, then lean down to give me a little kiss, whisper she knows I can take more for her and then proceed to stomp on them.

Exact same kinky acts which bust my balls just as hard, but an entirely different feel and motivation to why they're being done.

This is literally the best explanation of how I feel about it as well. The idea of BDSM being portrayed as such a cruel, professional and cold environment is sooo annoying. I often just mention Velvet Veronica and Liana Good to people that got off on the wrong foot with femdom after watching FemdomEmpire or whatever. I think both are an awesome example of how to integrate Femdom or BDSM in general into a friendly and funny relationship. Like no unwanted or real harm whatsoever.

Regarding the OP: Ask her why she enjoys seeing you cum. Does she like the look of it? Does she like your reaction?
Try using her answer to show her that your reaction is even better if you are only rarely allowed to cum. Maybe show her that your reaction while being edged until you can't take it any more is much better than when you cum. Try to find the reason for her enjoyment and then try to find other ways you can make her enjoy it.
I wouldn't try too hard to go the route of: Please do it for me, I prefer it that way. It might not be genuine on her end then which ruins the whole act. Try to make her enjoy it primarily.

that really is a great explanation with regard to "soft femdom", that's how I prefer it, too.

regarding the issue: I believe she once said she loved the expression of great relief. Perhaps I have to try a little to dim that down ha! And show it even more after teasing.

Thanks so much for the advice all, if there's more you'd like to share please let us know. I'll try to keep you posted on any progress.

Quick update all!

My gf has been denying me for a week now, she knows I like it so she's playing along and also enjoying it.

Anyway: I was granted a ruin the other day while she was jerking me off, since then I was teased daily. Today she wants to have sex and me to get her off, in order to last long enough she said she's going to ruin my orgasm with her feet before we have sex. She has the most perfect feet and arches you can imagine, so that's amazing.

So turned on by that thought and even though I'm thinking of ideas to make that as awesome as possible I'll probably just let it come naturally so she enjoys it, too. After that it's time for sex and my tongue.

I might be allowed to cum Wednesday