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Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:28 pm
by Denied4Life1979
Hope people like it..
its my first ever webtease, it was a lot of fun writing it.
Re: Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:56 pm
by LNS
I thought it was quite good.
You could easily add to what your have or create the continuation.
Nicely done for your first tease.
LNS
Re: Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:59 pm
by Denied4Life1979
i wanted to post it as it was, to see if i was going along the right lines. (considering it has 4 different ending, or was that 5.. and lots of different things that can happen, so it was starting to look a bit complicated from a writing perspective.
i will probably expand on it, and then write a couple of extra ones as continuations, if people like it enough.
thanks for the feedback.
Re: Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:35 pm
by hhhobo
The only thing I would change would be to make the boyfriend think he has a chance to get back into his girl's good graces, if he follows all the directions. Other than that it was great as a punishment tease.
Re: Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:03 pm
by nomeuno
11 minutes of timers in the first 2 frames lost me.
Re: Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:09 pm
by Denied4Life1979
nomeuno wrote:11 minutes of timers in the first 2 frames lost me.
there is a good reason for the first 7 minute timer - it was supposed to be a 4-5 minute timer - but i needed you to go get certain things - so once you have got everything lets say it takes you 4 minutes to get the things you need - you then only have 3 - maximum of 5 minutes left.
which makes sense if you continue deeper into it considering the first timer is part of a challenge for later on..
but timers aren't for everyone..
and there are some longer timers as well, i don't hide the timers as i don't see the need to.. the timers are a challenge.
Thanks for the feedback, if i write another one, i will take that into consideration
Re: Girlfriend Takes Control
Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:15 pm
by Denied4Life1979
i was sure it was working properly before i submitted it, and yet when i went to read it through no matter what option i chose it finished.. half way through..
for some reason one of the page numbers was the same twice, so instead of choosing the continuation option it just ended the scene with a "you can't cum comment" the idea behind the scene is that according to how you perform you might get to cum..
so i modified it and resubmitted it.. sorry about that.
