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Although it may be the sexual urge that prompts one into the road of submission, it is only the first step on the road to understanding why you are on it.
Submission is about trust first of all, trusting Another to lead you rather than make your own steps. A hard road made easier by the guidance of that Other. Therefore submission is not so much a passive state as it may seem, rather it is an active work, a constant fight to dissolve the illusions of your own ego as it stripped away.
It is never easy to know ourselves; we tend to need an outside perspective, One who can see us for who we really are in all our flaws and addictions. Having seen that, They may choose to refine, or reshape us as They please. As a submissive, having surrendered that to Them, we face the neverending struggle, the battle NOT to defend our carefully constructed facade against their assaults.
This fight never truly ends but giving yourself up to that other is monstrously intimidating, incredibly invasive and ultimately, supremely rewarding.

lildrip

I have found and expierenced
that submissive is a deceptive term
Often the one who is submitting is very much in control
Safe words, does, don'ts, limits, overall submission time, are some of the examples of control.

Which is the way things should work.
In reality it is as we give of ourselves
that we are truely open to understanding the other and learning a bit more about ourselves.
I liked this, this time. That didn't work well for me.
and so on.

Enjoy sharing yourself truely openly
I know the shakespear quote I had was cliche'
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day thou canst not be false to any one"
but it is true as we know ourselves, we grow.

Interesting question. Personally, i've never seen the allure of locking yourself into a single-sided dynamic with someone, sexually or otherwise. It seems to me that this would eliminate having any sort of prospect for deviation from a pre-determined regimen. Not that I like the term, but to me this seems to be counterproductive to choosing to stay away from a "vanilla" relationship.

For me, the excitement lies in the uncertainty of not having defined roles in the relationship. IMO, whenever you fall into a pattern or routine with someone, you open yourself up to loosing interest, becoming bored, wondering about other things. I understand there's a lot to be said for the comfort and sense of security that comes with that sort of thing. I also value trust a good deal, and part of that is feeling secure and devoid of threatening situations. But if you ask me, it's healthy to shake things up with uncertainty and unexpected acts.

I make it a point to make things so my boyfriend will never be able to pin down what kind of a 'mood' i'll be in. And I like it when I can't predict how he'll react and what he might have on his mind. I may want the challenge of making myself appear to be in the mood to be controlled...then overpowering him mentally. I may just want to be loved...no rough sex, no pinning him down, no teasing (well...there's always a *little* bit of that). Or, I may want to be extremely aggressive and take control of the situation from start to finish. The point is, i'm not his, or anyone's Mistress. There's no safe bet on what sex will entail any given day, and I like to extend that dynamic outside of the bedroom.

I've told my boyfriend to meet me for dinner after work and showed up wearing a wig and clothes that were completely out of character for me. I've left him a note on the counter and left my cell phone off...sitting right next to it, telling him that I was going to be out for the night and i'd see him when I got back *wink wink*. I've rearranged the furniture in my bedroom and made sure I was ready and waiting in bed when he got home (making it a point to let him know I planned on probably moving things back where they were the next day). Sometimes i'll plan a weekend trip or just a night out and not tell him what we're doing. Maybe get him a new shirt to wear, and let him figure it out when we get there.

It amazed me how unbelievably *ahem* horny a guy gets when i've been out all night and he doesn't know where. He knows he can trust me, 100%. But it's the uncertainty and the absence of routine that shakes him up. When I got a wig and met him at dinner, you'd think he'd never had sex with a girl before. We didn't even order our meals before he was trying to shoo me out the door to go home. And I mean really shooing!

I'm not knocking any sort of dom/sub relationship, or those who really want to have a Mistress, submissive, whatever in their lives. I just think that the allure of having a "normal" relationship gets lost because most people fall into routine too easily. I think the whole reason why a dom/sub relationship becomes enticing is because it strays from our everyday routine and fulfills elements that we wouldn't get otherwise. If you ask me, you can accomplish those things and get those feelings (and MANY more) by simply just mixing things up and shattering the element of routine, expectation, and obligation in your relationship.

But, in the end to each their own, and thanks in any case for dealing with my little digressive rant if you got this far. ;)

-L

A lovely "digressive rant" Lindsey. All your posts are a delight.

I love how women can radically change their appearance so easily, be it wearing their hair differently, different colour and even a wigs, although not as common as they used to be. It is an avenue that is not available to guys. My choices seem to be limited to should I wear a hat. LOL

As to what it means to be submissive. Wish I knew. It works for me mostly. Although I do have switch fantasies, but they make me feel guilty. I'm very fond of pony girls for instance.

First of all, english is not my native language, it may get difficult to express what i mean here.. i hope if you read this you will understand it ;)

My experinces are much like all2trues. Submission is a way to give up control of things, and with the control also responsibilty. I think i am much of a dreamer in this way, a dream of just "being", flying somewhere without a body, without any needs and responsibilities. While this is just a dream, submission is a way to express much of that. For me it is not (that) important to be forced to do (or not do do) something, but the lack of responsibilty. I will do (not do) anything another persons asks for - and that other person is responsible for whatever happens then.
This is why a master/mistress deserves that much respect, they are resonsible for anything that happens while being dominant. I agree with all2true, that's also why the submissive is in some way so much in (indirect) control of the situation.

regards,
SomeOne

it doesn't "mean" anything to me. it just is and i just am.

In general view I agree with jp. For me submissive is someone who enjoys accepting my will at given time. I see people like combinations of endless human qualities and I don't like to categorize them. Everyone is unique. So specifying which qualities makes you submissive is really impossible. By being submissive to someone you demonstrate trust in that person and it's being done so based on mutual consensus. Long term D/s relationship is not for me because you only trade one stereotype for another. Being sub or dom doesn't make relationship more interesting. In this I agree with Lindsey, but hey... pinning guy down and handcuffing him is vanilla? :) When you don't like stereotype you have to find creative partner with fantasy and courage to realize your ideas.

I tend to agree with Lindsey, in that it's at least partially about variety for me.
Submission is definately not a lifestyle I could see myself doing on a more permanent basis because....well, to be honest, I'm way too damn stubborn and independent for that. However, I don't mind "submitting" occasionally to someone I trust. So yes, I think it also has a great deal to do with trust. I'm certainly not about to submit to some random woman that I just met. She may be sexy, and I may be horny, but it takes a hell of alot more than the promise of sex to make me want to submit.

I guess for me in a way it's sort of a "pay back" kind of thing. My way of giving something back to her for everything she does for me. On the other hand, it's kind of an exploration. If I give her free reign to try what she wants, I learn more about what she likes. I'm better prepared in the future to make her happy. There's a little "work" in it on her side of course. She's got to make me want to do it for her. Obviously, if I don't care about how she feels or what she wants, then I'm certainly not going to do this with her. Of course, I probably wouldn't be with her if that were the case, but you know what I mean.

Does that make any sense at all? Somewhat hard to put it into words clearly.

I have sort of "pay back" approach too but somewhat different. I always concentrate on feelings and pleasure of my lover - I'm not saying that she has to like the process but goal is that she enjoys the finish. That's only thing that matters to me. And the "pay back" is when she blows my mind as a reward for a good job. I like it this way because I find thinking of myself tiresome and thinking of someone I love so enjoyable. It fills my heart with nice warm feeling.