Milovana.com

Intention: i imagine knowing other perspectives of my reflection of my sexual behaviors could be helpful (especially others view of "fetish," "stages of life," and even psychosexual explanatory attempts of my perceived sexual deviant behaviors) especially if 'i have not thought of it like that before' of course (especially for example, ?why in the pit to begin with?) to parallel this site's content, i expect uncensored, honest feedback, and my responses to any feedback will be honest too of course. thank you my Xplicit (tho not necessarily correct) peers!

author's note: not trying to adjust my grammar to consider distinctions of objectivity / subjectivity or qualify my validity like I often do (it's all subjective to my view at this space-time)...

My name is Keshav Boddula, but many people know or call me be my nickname, Kiki, and my artist/rap name is Kiki Bo. I was raised mostly in south California (currently in Brea, California, U.S.A.) and has been almost 32 years since I first arrived in our world (I was told my birthday was 03/09/1984 in Madrid, Spain). Including my rap/muzik artwork (selective sample here-->(https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3f7VK ... sp=sharing), I have liked to think and work with ideas especially since about the time I reached puberty almost 20 years ago. In retrospect, my desire to be an author from a young age has been accomplished, although unique in that much of my writing/creating was for* myself rather than a (specific) audience of readers. (*note: this is open to interpretation including, “false”; this is complicated and deep) Even as I write this, the idea of how consciousness manifests (in my thoughts and filtered thoughts: writings/creations) is intriguing – like, why am I writing this at this particular space-time? Sometimes the word “intuition” is used to describe reasons for behavior, but that explanation may not suffice whether accurate to the subject or not.

There are different stages of life like stages of the sun and the moon we view. First is child being taken care of by your contributing/working parents, second is learner, third is contributer/worker, then is marriage or parent reflecting your children's stages of life from then on. This view may appear to be for the more “selfless” parent (although “what goes around comes around” like when the child enters the contributer/worker stage to maybe take care of the parent). Before I get into the next stage of life as contributer/worker, this is the space-time to reflect particularly on my sexual deviant behavior...

...which I think of as “deviant” because it is not intended by Nature. Because we start puberty at around 13 years from our birth, Nature has intended us to have children at this age, and some do, but many do not. At around this age, there was this “intuitive” motivation for my penis to penetrate and orgasm, but the penetration started out “fetished” as it was not intended by Nature and out of place (or not in a vagina with the potential to create children) – through a hole in my underwear on a full moon night. Later, through the internetworks of computer machines, these sexual motivations to orgasm continued, but with different, non-intuitive stimuli and different behaviors to orgasm – all fetished.

Here is an attempt to explain psychosexual aspects of my deviance (without much understanding of what is relevant for others to know about): since I don't have “control” (of my life to be able to properly have sex) anyway, might as well satisfy my sexual desire truthfully (in not having control like having instructions from a mistress) and/or from feeling good (like i imagine a dog must) when pleasing some authority figures (e.g. coaches, teachers, my family members), so this fetished with sexual pleasure (e.g. porno, Yahoo video cam nonsensical sexual chatting behavior like these milovana webteases, etc.) as a coping mechanism... getting out of this “pit” of no control of my life, but while still in the pit, might as well be more comfortable... and ?why in this pit in the first place I believe is too deep and complicated... maybe the lowest energy/comforting, simplest, least accurate explanation is that I am secretly homosexual, and because of the social stigma, taboo, condescending perception of others toward him, he is just “staying in the closet.”

As for the karmik konsequences of these sexually deviant aktions, I hope that people look condescendingly at them and something about me (that I may still have, but hopefully don't, or gradually lose) that did those actions because usually when people look condescendingly at something (wrong), they are not going to do that, which would make me happier (to improve our shared reality as more Nature intended, for example). Of course, I need to remember that (as my dad says) "there are all kinds of people in the world”, including ones that don't share my views of “stages of life” or “fetish”, for example.

Yeah, if you're a male that's going to pee in a toilet anyway, might as well be comfortable and sit down, and you remain a male, right. However, it would be more energy-smart (amongst other things), if you cycled the nutrients directly back to organisms (like trees) that could make good use of it, but the way things are set up in this environment I am in (disappointed sigh)... my solution: move to a more conducive environment for me to start the contributing/working stage of life and then have sex as intended...

I actually made an account to reply to this, long time lurker. And I have very little "meaningful" to say, and a very lengthy way to say it, but still, here goes. :)

You seem to write from a sort of an eastern philosophy point of view, I don't exactly recognise it, but I do have some cursory idea of what you're saying..

You seem to wrestle with the idea of masturbation/porn being "wrong" due to being unnatural.. I sort of disagree.

I don't know if "intended by Nature" is an ideal state. In fact, personally I think that Nature doesn't really intend anything, it has no preference about anything. It .. exists. Everything is a part of it. Don't get me wrong, messing with what is natural does not happen without consequence, but our minds are also a creation of nature. A part of Nature, and a defining part of humanity.

Satisfying needs, any needs - in this case sexual needs - in a way that doesn't fill the "purpose" or function of the need is not harmful in itself. If you eat only complete junk, satisfying your hunger unnaturally, you'll miss your nutrients and will feel crappy. That's harmful, in a chemical way, to your body. Nothing else, and entirely up to each person, I eat junk too... the harm is only to the individual. If you satisfy your sexuality without having children, well, you won't have children. That too is only harmful to yourself - the kids that never were, never were a part of Nature or any plan, it is simply impossible to harm them.

Maybe one is harming their mind? Possibly. It's absolutely not due the act itself, but if one has chosen to oppose the idea and indulges in it anyway, then yes, that's pulling the mind in two separate directions.. cognitive dissonance or some such. Either choose to accept the idea, or choose to stop "being hideous" or whatever .. in this particular case, I'd choose to accept the idea.

Masturbation then, what is it? It's a mesh of sensations, caused to oneself .. fun, pleasurable, addictive like junk food, and less harmful. Even healthy, I'd argue, if compared to forced/unwilling abstinence (without ability to find a partner or whatever reasoning). All things in moderation of course.

If one wants to rid oneself of pointless masturbation, I would suggest taking a somewhat of a buddhist route, to think (meditate) on the subject, to examine it (EDIT:) until one can understand that it's a rather meaningless set of emotions and gives no permanent happiness. I'm not a doctor though, that's not medical advice, prostate cancer and so on .. although if the correlation was strong, shouldn't monasteries be ridden with .. oh well ;)

Funnily, I myself have taken a different route; about a year ago, I've started finally learning about my own damn body .. and with some ideas from a book someone linked on this site "The multiorgasmic man" or similar, I've found plenty of interesting thingies going on in me ... curious stuff. It's amazing how blindly one can follow what he's always done until something breaks the cycle... :)

As for moving to a more conducive environment, well, it shouldn't hurt. Hard to say what you're trying to accomplish (your comment could be read as just looking for a better job market or something completely different .. :) ) and with what kind of a environmental change (just another town, a monastery, a forest cabin, what? :) ) .. Entering the working stage of life is still mostly mandatory at some point anyway ;) But it should work well for lowering that "no control"-pit you describe .. not making it disappear entirely, but probably make it quite a bit shallower ... :)

(What a rant for a first post ... )
(EDIT: unless=>until typo)

Interesting that you made an account just to reply to a post made from an account "just to" also...

Thank you for your meaningful(-to-me) perspective of "intended by Nature" :) - interesting/satisfactory.

My perspective diverges in the understanding of wanting "our shared reality as more Nature intended" - which includes disagreeing with your claim that these bad activities are only harmful to oneself and not the environment... this could be, but a cursory example is the imbalanced energy utilization of junk food production and distribution (e.g. overly-processed foods)

The cognitive dissonance you refer to is correct for me; however, should include my acceptance of the act at the moment, but not in the context of undesirably being in "the pit" (usually after the moment like a hangover from alcohol intoxication or eating one's own semen after orgasm)

I agree masturbation is healthier in such a comparison

spaisin, I'm not sure what you mean by "permanent happiness", but long-lasting happiness could be in the potential child you help make and the (neuro)social-bond/relationship made with your mating partner, right... talking from experience, I speculate you may be unaware of your meaning (like the awareness of a computer lol) - here I refer to, "And I have very little "meaningful" to say" - not to me!:)... and, "...it's a rather meaningless set of emotions..." - ?how could there be or is there a more meaningful set of emotions??

spaisin, I thought it was clear that I'm trying to live more get-what-I-deserve as "Nature-intended", balanced, sustainable (and in an environment that makes it difficult to do this) - yeah, to the extent my stomach's pit still exists (for example), the pit will still be there albeit shallower :)

Heh, we'd probably have an interesting discussion over a drink (of tea, or something ;) ), but sadly there's that little Atlantic thingy in between ... :)

Seems I wrote a book to reply to one paragraph of yours .. enjoy! (And yes, you'll disagree in parts, but I'm fine with that :) )

That "permanent happiness" thing, umm.. that's one of the "early" nuts to crack in buddhism, so at least I'm not the only one having trouble explaining it, plenty of monks have tried and keep trying. But thank god you didn't ask anything difficult ;)
Anyway, the rough idea is that one shouldn't try to find happiness in "external" things. Easiest examples come from a list that's all too common in the average westerner's mind; an endless check list of things that will make one "happy". You need to have a car, a house, couple kids, dogs/cats and enough extra money to have thing x and y and .. none of that list makes any sense of course. Getting a thing X from such a list will probably give a moment of happiness, but that passes quickly and the item becomes.. trivial. Neutral.

Once one inspects, with the above in mind, all the things one would expect happiness from, there eventually won't be anything left that would actually provide "lasting happiness". This allows one to recognise happiness itself as a temporary thing, it comes and goes.

I first went on a tangent about relationships while trying to explain the above; it's not pretty, but I'll post it anyway:

Spoiler: show

In the context of this discussion, for example "finding a mate". Finding a mate might make one happy. It is easy to hope for happiness through that in our world, but, sadly, it isn't certain in any way. Finding a mate might also make one miserable. I've been in a relationship that made two people mostly miserable. It was due to my faulty ideas at the time - I was mostly trying to "become happy" by having a girlfriend. That of course is a crappy reason to date someone, and I'll admit I was a mess back then; but I can say with some experience, having a relationship didn't make either of us very happy.

Of course one might then go into the details of the relationship, and we'd end up with a "no true scotsman" -type of argument: "It wasn't a proper relationship, because .." Yes, and that game would be played until we get to something that translates to "a happy relationship". But any happy "thing" would be .. happy, no? We'd end up defining "happiness" as the means to happiness :)

There can be relationships that are a "source of happiness", however the happiness isn't exactly/innately due to the relationship. The "happy relationship" is more like a meditative focus, something to project happy thoughts towards. "This person loves me" "I feel appreciated by them" "This is right and natural" These kinds of thoughts are the source of happiness in a good relationship, but it's not like those thoughts would be an automatic result of the relationship. Worse still, they'll depend on other circumstances and the partner. Even the best partner will have bad days, they'll might even end up filing for divorce.. so, it is easy to see that relationships aren't a reliable route to happiness.

Wait, did I just choose love as an example to try to clarify happiness? Whyy... I could have chosen "having a car".

Kids are similar to relationships, having one may well be "the happiest moment of one's life", and they will most likely provide plenty of moments of joy as they grow. However, they will also provide plenty of worrying and stress for their feeding, safety, education and so on .. not to mention disabilities and other less ideal circumstances. In reality it's just "having kids" without defining "having kids happily" - you won't really be able to choose which it will be.

Now, I'm not trying to advocate against having relationships and/or kids, just elaborating on the idea of them as a source of happiness - if one wants to enjoy a relationship, one should absolutely have one, or several.

I used the "meaningless set of emotions" in regards to the masturbation bit; I think I should've used "sensations" instead of "emotions", but the difference isn't that huge. Meaningless, in the above sense that it all is just temporary, "this too shall pass". Once you're done, you'll have a tingly buzz for a while and then it has passed and you might even end up regretting it in the next ten minutes. Quite pointless, no? Your follow-up question may be more insightful than you'd like; "how could there be a more meaningful set of emotions??" There couldn't. There ... isn't. All the emotions are, not exactly pointless, but pretty close at least. At least we tend to give them way too much value.

The Buddhists seem to take this idea further; once you realize that happiness is at best temporary and the pursuit of it may/will cause misery/harm in itself, it's best just to let go of the pursuit itself. Now, I think the "pursuit of happiness" is literally a constitutional thing in the US, so this might be quite a leap for some .. not necessarily you, but some :) I myself try to avoid clinging to the pursuit, but I don't mind some misery, so I don't exactly need to lead a monk's life. And I've never been happier than in the moments where I manage not to worry about anything and just enjoy the life happening all around me .. :)

When you speculate about my awareness of my meaning .. you're correct. I'm not aware of any meaning attached to myself - and decidedly so. I've intentionally stripped my world of all "mystery", deities, supernatural forces, purpose/intent and such .. meaning of myself would be a thing in this category. I am what I am, on one hand a bag of mostly water, on the other an incredibly complicated chemical reaction capable of self sustenance and independent thought, and in practical terms an intelligent social animal in a global culture and an environment of abundant wealth. What I do is completely irrelevant on global/universal scale and yet I try my best to be kind to my fellow bags of water .. :)

here --> https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3f7VK ... sp=sharing) the final track (the title of which I could detail in several different wayz! :)) from my "Sweet 16" c.d. i recorded way back about 3 years ago that comes to mind from your post and think you should listen to it... (the instrumental is from a molecular biology animation video I heard in biochem class)

oh! you meant "permanent happiness" like a stereotypical Christian... with the slightly glazed, unblinking eyes... (nod)

i'm unclear what you mean "We'd end up defining "happiness" as the means to happiness" unless you're simply and imprecisely/illogically referring to a feeling of happiness in relation to the time of occurrence (in other words, "at the time" or in retrospect)... and I have a hunch of this mistake from the "cognitive dissonance" thing we discussed previously

"...but it's not like those thoughts would be an automatic result of the relationship." - true... (so...?)

i agree with you that if you have a focused expectation (as reflected in your text here) that having a relationship and/or kids is the way to be happy, then you may be disappointed, so prolly best to balance that focus(ed expectation) more, right?

"Quite pointless, no?" - Pointless of course for the objective that I value of Nature-intended sexual relations, but not for some things, as you mentioned prostate health, destress... and also, perhaps the guilt/regret will motivate you to go out and do something good for our shared environment/reality...

"...but I don't mind some misery" - and without it, ?how would you know happiness, right

"...What I do is completely irrelevant on global/universal scale" - i know what you mean - it's like, "?how is my one vote going to change which candidate will win the election?" and practically, it shouldn't, but i suggest to not even make such a comparison that "they'd" (whether good intentioned or not) lead you to believe you should, and "be the change in the world that you wish to see" as ?Gandhi? said (including seeing/retrospecting yourself sexually interacting with a meaningfully interconnected computer monitor, right?)

good luck/hope for the best spaisin

Re: happiness, yes kind of like a Christian, except .. those glazy-eyed guys may be closer to being truly happy than the normal running-after-things-that-should-make-me-happy type workaholics. The Christian "reasoning" may be questionable, but the end result is pretty much the same, as long as you interpret their "rules" in a right way:
- letting a god worry about the bad things in life so oneself doesn't have to
- is pretty much the same as just realising it's pointless to dwell in miseries of life and that there's always something to be happy about

I think you'll effectively sum up that entire post of mine by applying that logic of "balance" to the things I spoke about - one can't expect much from anything, except what one brings into it. That Gandhi quote is one of my favorites for a few years now ... :)

And when I say you can be happy about _something_ in every situation, I mean it. At the moment I'm being happy about the pain caused by my infected heels. Not because the pain would be pleasant, but that it is there; a reminder system to allow me to heal properly without putting any extra load on my feet, it is a good thing, even if it is unpleasant. It takes a bit of practise to remember to be happy about such things, though :)

j-z <i got you> <you only get half a bar...> m.o. <we don't give a...> / flip the Political Correktness of your xpectative unnesissarily-insightful, tho purrsEvd aSuch expektations, and... k b (10me) <chans iz u alive in ya life that's a Mirror>...

from the dark pit, the memory light and future light wazseen during this previous Ramnavami (end of May) and soon after arriving at my first transitional attempt from student to contributor stage of life at the White Rose Catholic Worker in NE MO (June), respectively - this for the record, i guess.

Now a clearer understanding of "aspects of my deviance":

"since I don't have “control” (of my life to be able to properly have sex)"

?why in this pit in the first place I believe is too deep and complicated...

i believe this is bound to consequences of my correct or incorrect actions (i.e. "karmas") / the conditions i find myself in regarding the delivery of (extremely) excessively embodied energy [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embodied_energy] (e.g. heated or cooled/fridged foods & water that had a very high energy cost to reach me, heated or cooled buildings, etc.) / see the patterns unfolding toward a clearer, completer perspective (e.g. "ayurveda"), and it's not the unnecessarily complex-sophisticatedness of the perspective, it's simply the wholisticness, or completeness, of the perspective.

maybe the lowest energy/comforting, simplest, least accurate...

like the conditions i find myself in

...and given the timings/"stars' alignments", different awarenesses, and the evolution of this wwweb (and corresponding "survival of the fittest" information to help us live how we should), for me and many others in my (and older) generations*, the younger generations (like the "millennials", etc.), especially the ones that are more mature, ought not to (or i hope,given THIS kind of better awareness) take the easier way out by thinking, "well these (adharmic/bad behaviors) is what the elders did and they're ok, so i'll be ok too"

*sounds like an excuse, i know, but it'll come back to me like karma.

kikiboddula wrote: Wed Sep 23, 2015 12:34 am Here is an attempt to explain psychosexual aspects of my deviance (without much understanding of what is relevant for others to know about): since I don't have “control” (of my life to be able to properly have sex) anyway, might as well satisfy my sexual desire truthfully (in not having control like having instructions from a mistress) and/or from feeling good (like i imagine a dog must) when pleasing some authority figures (e.g. coaches, teachers, my family members), so this fetished with sexual pleasure (e.g. porno, Yahoo video cam nonsensical sexual chatting behavior like these milovana webteases, etc.) as a coping mechanism... getting out of this “pit” of no control of my life, but while still in the pit, might as well be more comfortable...

and to elaborate on this explanatory attempt, i believe such deviant behaviors were more desirable since they came with very low mental energy drainage (like drugs, television, etc.) to balance my huge mental work loads (academic, kreative / artistic, etc.)

yt video at 26 minuteshttps://youtu.be/5dZ_lvDgevk could be II with this reflection

regarding deception, this story from today's sadhguru clip https://youtu.be/KEk7IEULaP8?t=2701, and in relation to the overly-human-built environment / a deep hormonal imbalance, and my natural, "bad"/taboo desires to feel alive and better with my sexua(lly deviant) behaviors

"intelligence was hijacked by hormones" - Sadhguru (sigh)

and regarding control, my blog from today http://kboddula.blogspot.com/2020/05/ho ... -have.html is a good addition