Milovana.com

Hey all!, I posted my first web-tease about an hour ago, and i'm just looking to see what people thought about it.

I know that it's short, but its a short intro to a much bigger story.

There are definitely elements that i know i need to improve upon. But what did you all think about it?, all comments and suggestions are welcome!

-LittleLydia

Thanks for posting this. The humiliation is nice. Looking forward to part 2.

A little short as you said, but I am certainly interested to see the story continue.

My only advice would be to break up the longer sets of stroking with a few more pictures if you can. Instead of 200 strokes to 1 picture, a few blocks of 50 strokes to pictures in slightly different poses, I find it adds to the anticipation of 'will she move her legs and give me a glimpse' or whatever applies in the situation. Also helps with the 'flow' of the story i guess you could say.

But keep up the good work, its a very promising first tease.

I don't understand the attraction of giving the main character a name. You could just as easily write around calling him by his name, instead referring to the player as "you". This would probably mean getting rid of the pics on pages 1 and 2 as well, but they serve little to no purpose already. This would, at least for me, make the story a lot more immersive.

I'll take your notes under consideration. I wrote this as an erotic story a few weeks ago, and i'm converting it into a tease. So the main character is a guy called Michael. But i might change it for the sake of immersion :)

Thanks for the suggestions.

Part 2 should be up on Sunday, or at the latest Monday. Busy, busy life and all that!

Lydia x

Slight delay on this tease. Few more days :)