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What method do you do to get your woman to become more dominant?

Ive slowly encouraged her to be more dominate but its hard getting past her wanting to get dominated.

Ive let her choke, pin me down, have her way with me. But yet they always want me to just have my will, which I dont mind but thats not what I want.

How do you train your woman/newly mistress to become more dominant now or ways to slowly train her.

Obligation wrote:What method do you do to get your woman to become more dominant?

Ive slowly encouraged her to be more dominate but its hard getting past her wanting to get dominated.

Ive let her choke, pin me down, have her way with me. But yet they always want me to just have my will, which I dont mind but thats not what I want.

How do you train your woman/newly mistress to become more dominant now or ways to slowly train her.

That's like asking how to train a cat to bark like a dog. You can't make someone dominate you, that defeats the whole object of the dynamic. Someone either wants to domme you or they don't.

I agree with Banquo. Somebody either has dominant traits or they don't. Likewise, if you don't have a submissive bone in your body, there's no sense in pretending to be a submissive.

All you can do is to discuss these things, find out if she has any dominant fantasies which she'd like to explore with you, etc., etc. You can't force things - both parties need to get something out of it.

Totally agree with Banquo and Toby.

I've tried it a few times and it never works and you will ruin your relationship by pushing it too hard (bitter voice of experience).

If you're with someone, and you love them.. love them for who they are, not who you want them to be and explore the D/s side of you elsewhere and with your partner's consent.

If that's a no-go for her, then you need to either curb your own subby side and learn to play vanilla or look for a new partner.

Sorry, but it'll end in heart-break all round without compromise.

I could agree with Banquo to some extent, but there's a BUT. Of course, if we talk about forcefully making a girl to take dominant role - the whole point kinda fades away. But there's the thing like latent fetishes and behaviour. What I'm trying to say is, some girls may have a good dominant side, but they never tried it, are afraid of it, or even didn't think of it at all. Let's face it, for most people sexual culture doesn't go beyound 3-4 positions and oral sex. At most. Some don't have even that STILL. That doesn't mean a girl who does just that can't enjoy being dominatrix - it just means she doesn't do that RIGH NOW.
What the guy asks is not how to force a poor girl into dominating him. But rather how to ease her into that naturally and with the most success rate. There are right and wrong ways to approaching things and you could basically kill all desire to try it if you do that wrong. That's why he asks.

There are people who can't be forged into domination no matter how hard you try. But for the majority it still is possible. You should just remember not to push things too hard.
Also you should consider that most girls are submissive AND emotional by nature. They want to be loved, and they want to depend on someone. It doesn't mean they can't dominate. It just means that most girls would take considerably more time into doing mean things to you, than guys. It also means that they may be freaked out by the possibility of loosing their dependant side, and by loosing you as their support. In my opinion the best way for most ladies is being a switch, if they even have to dominate, or completely vanilla/sub.

Way I'd approach it is first of all talk about it. Women are different with their own quirks and things in their minds. Of course you may be lucky and your women will happen to be interested in dominating you right away. But chances are she won'e
Don't push onto domination side at first. Start with asking her to do things with you without stressing out the domination side. Most girls need time to get accustomed to new things. Tell her you wanna try this or that. Don't go for the big things like chastity, or verbal humiliation - chances are she can't do that properly anyway. Ask her to sit on your face in a vanilla-like manner, like kneeling above you. Or to take control of the vanilla night, so it's not you who toss her around in bed, but she tells you what she wants. Or even ask her to give you POT after your normal sex. Tell her you saw it on the net and it turned you on like hell and you just wanna try it. And above all point out how you enjoyed it. Don't rush it. Make gaps between your "kinky" nights. Make sure she still sees a strong man by her side, and is dependant on you.
General advice is take your time. It may take a year, but you have that year if you love that woman. Leave the most troublesome things like bondage and inferiority fetishes for the far future. Your first aim is to make her understand that being on top in sex and taking control of things is fun, and it bears no stress, and you like it, and she has her orgasms too that way, and so on. Then, after some time the next step won't feel that bad to her.
Tell her things girls like to hear. Of how you can't stop thinking about that night she pushed you down on your bed and rode you like hell. How you always think of her. How you always want her.

If you keep at it, and don't rush, and make shure she gets what she needs it'll work out perfect after some time. As I said though, women are naturally submissive. So remind her that you are still her brutal hairy male from time to time. Don't let her forget how it feels to me taken. Take control from time to time. If you are really submissive, think of that as doing this for HER. Also, I wouldn't ever exclude sensual soft vanilla nights. When you both are equals enjoying each other. Most girls like that too.

What Nez said...

Obviously you can't and shouldn't try to make someone that is inherently submissive into a domme - that fails on its own merits.

But you CAN introduce someone to sides they have but didn't know about or realize. I dare say most people are a LOT more inclined to what's broadly considered sexual fetishes if they but only were encouraged to try and didn't have the baggage of society's stigma and prejudice.

It pains me to think about all the people who live limited sexual lives oblivious to how much they're missing out on. Not because it's wrong to live vanilla sex, be content with "just" that, and not really liking anything else. The problem is they are often ignorant and limited by prejudice from trying. Most of them WOULD liked one or more fetishes (I even hate that work because most fetishes should be considered completely normal sex) - if they only were introduced to them - and therefore lead lives being content, but having a much lesser sexual experience than they could have had.

Obviously you can't and shouldn't try to make someone that is inherently submissive into a domme - that fails on its own merits.

I would argue that. Depends on a person, but submission and dominance often come together. Most good dominants enjoy being submissive, and they can dom great EXACTLY because they know how good it may be to be dominated, and they know what they need to do. It also brings enjoyment to MOST people - giving their partners something good and fulfilling their desires. So a person who likes to submit can be a great dom, but needs more time to get in there and feel it through. Most of that time is needed to realize that you don't miss anything by doing that.

Have you discussed this with her at all? Do you know if she has any interest in it? This has to be something that there is mutual interest in doing if it is going to succeed. Talk with her. Get her outlook on the situation, express areas you would like to explore and ask if there are others that she would like to explore.

you can't imagine how many people don't know what their interests are, hide their interests, or think they are not interested on basis of some prejudice.
You can't know what you are interested in until you try. Also interests can develop over time. That's why looking too much on the results of a talk is not recommended. If she says she's not interested that doesn't mean she will not be.

A conversation may not resolve the situation but it can lead to moving toward a resolution. Maybe someone would think about things they wouldn't have before. If nothing else it can determine if there is any interest in even trying.

Hm, I think if you are truly submissive you should accept your partner's desires. Any other way would contradict the concept of submissiveness a bit, wouldn't it?

For me, a truly dominant person has to be in a way very submissive as well.

Okay - this may also be a way to make the dominant role more appeiling to your girlfriend.

I think the problem is really that girls are usually educated to be obedient, nice, friendly etc. For men it's the opposite. I think being the "passive" part has many advantages and this is the reason why girls don't want to give it up - at least in their private life (it's surely different in the public sphere). Maybe this is also the reason why we submissive men want to be submissive. As a submissive you have "just" to obey, as a dominant you have to take the responsibility, have to care for your sub, have to make decisions all the time. I think that can be a pain in the ass.
Of course this is also a stereotype and exactly how d/s-relationsships shouldn't work (of course also the sub has to take responsibility, take care for him/herself, has to make his own decisions etc.). Maybe you should explain this to your partner? That it's not about transforming her into your "mommy" which is responsible for everything? Maybe she fears that?

But again: I think you should accept her wishes. Maybe you can make her more selfconfident by concretly showing her that you respect her, that she doesn't have to be nice, obedient, friendly etc. in your presence etc. But that's probably all.

But I think this is also a general problem far beyond any D/s-stuff. It really annoys me sometimes that even my female friends are sometime so shy when it comes to expressing their wishes. They always want me to make suggestions, invite them to do something, make plans, say, where we are going etc. Sometimes it's nice of course, but sometimes a real pain in the ass. I want no friend that refuses to be an active part in the relationship, be it male or female. And the problem is moreover that in the end they still take charge of everything by refusing my suggestions, being (or even: pretending to be) offended etc.
Puh, I think this whole field is really messed up in our current society. It will take maybe 2 or 3 generations until this all stuff will be solved somehow.

So my mantra is again:
I'm a submissive. I want to be nice towards the girls (within certain limits of course), I want to respect their wishes and show them this respect as often as I can.
Of course this is hard sometimes. Especially because sometimes I want to be treated as a male who is in charge. (This is the other problem: I think for men it's also hard to be really submissive. This treat shows it somehow: you want your partner to fit your desires. Why shouldn't it be the other way round?)

Banquo wrote:

Obligation wrote:What method do you do to get your woman to become more dominant?

Ive slowly encouraged her to be more dominate but its hard getting past her wanting to get dominated.

Ive let her choke, pin me down, have her way with me. But yet they always want me to just have my will, which I dont mind but thats not what I want.

How do you train your woman/newly mistress to become more dominant now or ways to slowly train her.

That's like asking how to train a cat to bark like a dog. You can't make someone dominate you, that defeats the whole object of the dynamic. Someone either wants to domme you or they don't.

You know I've taught my dog to meow... Now is she a cat? No.... But that doesn't mean it's not entertaining and fun

oh my word! Too fucking funny!

Feminine power is innate. You can't train a woman to be dominant. You can train her to perform for you but it's no where near the same. A submissive woman can enter into a space to learn to enjoy "using and controlling" you but most men are clueless on how to do this. It has to be HER idea and you can ONLY plant the seed by engaging in some type of unselfish exchange. This is hard for a hard dick to do. Something in her has to go off where she sees what's in it for her. If that doesn't happen then you won't get far, You might get her to try it once or twice or she'll "get it over with" just so you'll stop bugging her.

I wish I had more time to address this because it has come up a lot lately with my phone clients. THis year I have had more younger guys calling looking for advice then I have ever had. I'll try t come back but I am in the midst of projects and trying to get some remodeling done before it gets too damn cold.

I am soooooo not ready for winter.

I'm new to this site. I didn't find it on my own. I was "referred" to it by my boyfriend of one year. He's really into tease and denial and I'm really trying hard to be open about it but it's difficult. He kind of just trust the information on me. We weren't together for a year before he told me. I can't recall how long it had been but ever since he told me our sex life has really been centered on it. At first, He would do things like ask me (via text while I was at work and such) how he should masturbate. The first time I just participated because I didn't want to rain on his parade but then he started to ask me the same question every day. I ended up just giving him a schedule of what to do on the different days of the week. So that I was freed of him asking me everyday. I honestly could care less about how he orgasms when I'm not around (unless he cheats of course) and I feel really bad because I feel like he needs me to pay constant attention to his boners even when I'm not with him. The schedule lasted until he got tired of it and he started asking me to change it until I did. Which, I felt, defeats the whole purpose of me being "in charge".

Furthermore, when we first started being intimate, in order to "ease" me into it he requested that we have, what we call jalapeno sex, once a month and I was to initiate it. I never got the chance to initiate it because he would always ask for it. He would then complain that I never initiated it. When I told him that I hadn't because he always asked first, he said that he asks because he's afraid I'll never initiate it. So I came to the conclusion that he wants it more often than once a month. So now it's our default sex but it's still up to me to initiate both vanilla and jalapeno sex. I understand that my initiating jalapeno sex is part of the experience for him but do I really have to initiate vanilla sex too? He also requested that I do research....on my own. He wanted to buy me books to read, so on and so forth. When I told him that I think it would be better if he just told me what he wants or showed me (like sitting with me) what he wants but instead he referred me here.

Our sex "schedule" has changed multiple times and as of right now jalapeno sex is now our default sex. Since I'm not a mind reader and have no way of knowing when he wants to be dominated it was decided that to ensure he's getting it as much as he wants, we should do it most of the time. I'm sad about this. I get no enjoyment out of it at all. The only "enjoyment" I get is seeing him squirm (it amuses me) and just the fact that he likes what I do and says he's happy. I'm not happy though. Since jalapeno sex is now our default sex, that means my sexual needs are not being met. His solution is for me to ride him or sit on his face when he's tied up but I'm not turned on by that at all. I like to be held and feel close to my partner and to me him being tied up is cold and impersonal and he can't cum unless he's being given a handjob anyway. I don't know what I do. Most of the time I feel like he doesn't enjoy vanilla sex and it really hurts. I love him so much which is why I do it for him but most of the time I'm left feeling unhappy, undesired, and unfulfilled. He says he enjoys vanilla sex but I guess I wish that he could be happy having jalapeno sex sometimes instead of most of the time. I feel that if I never initiate vanilla sex that we won't ever have it. I'd imagine that knowing that he's going to be tied up has taken away some of the excitement for him as well.

Does anyone have any advice for me. I don't want to stop doing it for him because I love him and I want him to be happy. But I don't know how to be happy while I'm doing it. I tend to incorporate a blindfold into it so he can't see my facial expressions. I'm not making grossed out faces or anything but I don't want to ruin his experience by him being able to see that there is no joy on my face.

Sounds like either he is completely selfish or is trying to push you into being more dominant.
Call his bluff, make it about your pleasure, don't allow him to cum unless he has he has done what you want at least three times.
Lock him in a cage and tell him he is not coming out until he has done three romantic things on separate days that meet your standards.
Take advantage of the situation make t&d a reward for positive behaviour rather than his selfish needs.
He will either love it or decided he doesn't like it as much as he thought and be more open to what you want.