I posted this in another forum but I just thought I would post it in a few forums to get more input.
Just for some background info to give you people a better picture. My girlfriend and I are both 20, have been dating for about 3 years now and are both attending the same university. This is the only long-term relationship either one of us have been in.
My abusive father (not sexual, more of the emotional/verbal type) kicked me out at New Years. So I've been couch surfing with friends in the short-term. My girlfriends mother and stepfather when they learned of my situation sat my girlfriend and I down the other day. They offered to let me live together with their daughter in their basement. I was taken aback by their offer, as was my GF. We decided it would be best to take a bit of time to discuss is and think it through before going ahead.
My girlfriend and I after some discussion would like to take them up on the offer. However I do have a few concerns. This being such a generous offer I really don't want to become a burden to their household. I was thinking of exploring the idea of working more hours on campus to pay them back but I'm concerned that it could affect my grades if I do. My girlfriend said that they like me so it would be fine if I just help around the house and contribute what I can from what I'm already earning. That sounds good and all but I'm unsure. Maybe I'm just over-thinking the situation.
The next concern would be how this living situation could change our relationship for better or worse. Since I've heard that quite often moving in together can often affect the relationship for the worse if both parties aren't ready. I would like to think that we are but how can you really tell?
The 3rd concern if you can call it that are her parents. They're very open with what they have to say. For example they sat us down early on in our relationship to have a nitty gritty type of sex talk. They continue to be very open talking about their sex life when we're around at times and have commented on techniques we should try on each other for example. It's not too bad usually but I thought it might get a lot worse if I moved in. So I guess it's not really an issue but something to get used to I suppose.
What do you think I should do? If I move in is it really OK for me to just help around when I can and contribute some money when I can or should I try working more? How can we tell that moving in is the right decision? Am I just over-thinking all this?
Feel free to ask me anything that would help you give an informed response.
Thank you for your time and advice
Living with my girlfriend and her parents
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HybridEssence
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Living with my girlfriend and her parents
Last edited by HybridEssence on Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
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HybridEssence
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Re: Living with my girlfriend and her parents
Some details that I forgot to add
My GF's parents don't want me to pay a cent but I feel bad about it so I want to work more to pay them a proper rent. I think I will work more to pay them properly just so I don't feel like I'm being a freeloader.
If I accept I would be staying in the same room as my GF. The reason being is that my GF's sister and her stepfathers kids occupy all of the bedrooms on the 2nd and 3rd floors. My girlfriends room is the only bedroom in the basement.
I forgot to mention that we've decided to get married after graduation if we're still happy with each other. That's a big reason for my concerns since I really don't want to jeopardize our relationship.
We were having sex on the weekends. So if I do move in do you think it would be best to continue doing that and not allow sex to get in the way on the weekdays so it doesn't become something that could interfere with our studies and other activities?
To be honest I think moving in would be the best answer however as I mentioned the issue with my studies and feeling like a freeloader come into play. Since it's still early on in the semester I can drop a course for a lighter course load but I need to decide by the end of then week otherwise I'm stuck with it. I didn't mention that until now since I thought I was past the cutoff but that seems not to be the case. To not delay graduation I could take classes in the summer as well.
In Vancouver housing prices have more then doubled in the past decade so rent in many places range from $1500-$2000/mth in places that are a reasonable commute time to school and work that aren't a hole in the wall. So it's really unaffordable unless you're working full time. So I was thinking of trying to pay them around a $1000 a month plus helping out with whatever I can. Sadly student housing is limited and most students either live with family or are international students from wealthy families. Sigh why do I live in the most expensive city to live in North America.
Thank you again for your response.
My GF's parents don't want me to pay a cent but I feel bad about it so I want to work more to pay them a proper rent. I think I will work more to pay them properly just so I don't feel like I'm being a freeloader.
If I accept I would be staying in the same room as my GF. The reason being is that my GF's sister and her stepfathers kids occupy all of the bedrooms on the 2nd and 3rd floors. My girlfriends room is the only bedroom in the basement.
I forgot to mention that we've decided to get married after graduation if we're still happy with each other. That's a big reason for my concerns since I really don't want to jeopardize our relationship.
We were having sex on the weekends. So if I do move in do you think it would be best to continue doing that and not allow sex to get in the way on the weekdays so it doesn't become something that could interfere with our studies and other activities?
To be honest I think moving in would be the best answer however as I mentioned the issue with my studies and feeling like a freeloader come into play. Since it's still early on in the semester I can drop a course for a lighter course load but I need to decide by the end of then week otherwise I'm stuck with it. I didn't mention that until now since I thought I was past the cutoff but that seems not to be the case. To not delay graduation I could take classes in the summer as well.
In Vancouver housing prices have more then doubled in the past decade so rent in many places range from $1500-$2000/mth in places that are a reasonable commute time to school and work that aren't a hole in the wall. So it's really unaffordable unless you're working full time. So I was thinking of trying to pay them around a $1000 a month plus helping out with whatever I can. Sadly student housing is limited and most students either live with family or are international students from wealthy families. Sigh why do I live in the most expensive city to live in North America.
Thank you again for your response.
Re: Living with my girlfriend and her parents
Large post incoming!
Some advice:
With regards to the strain on your relationship that will come from living together, it is true that in general living under the same roof can make a relationship more challenging, but this isn't neccessarily a bad thing, after all if the two of you are thinking of getting married in a few years you will presumably live together then, and would you rather struggle to overcome the difficulties of living together before or after making that kind of commitment?
Living together shouldn't be viewed as something that will tear apart your relationship, all it means is that the two of you have to address new issues that won't have come up yet, like effectively handling each other's space and managing your time together, and your time spent doing other things, even better, as you will see a lot more of each other.
I moved in with my girlfriend a year and a half ago, and we sometimes argue more than we did before as it's harder to resolve tensions by simply geting up and leaving, and we have less personal space as our home is fairly small. However, there are many benefits as well, such as seeing more of each other and not having to navigate who comes over to who's house, and so on. It's an important step in any relationship, and while I think it shouldn't be taken lightly, after three years and whith thoughts of getting even more serious, it's a step you'll have to take sooner or later. If at this point the two of you can't handle living with each other, it may indicate a more fundamental incompatability that hasn't come up yet.
Secondly, there is great merit in learning to accept charity. Appreciating the offer that her parents are extending to you is good, and showing your gratitude is appropriate, but ultimately you need to be able to accept offers of charity at face value. If they want to let you stay in their house with their daughter without paying rent, then it can be gracious of you to accept that offer without needing to find a way to repay them. If you feel dropping courses and working to repay them is the correct course of action of course you can, but consider that if they are truly trying to help you they may not want you to endanger your grades or your graduation to pay them money they didn't ask for. After all, how much will you actually be costing them? If they have a house with three dependants already (and knowing exactly what property values are like in Vancouver, I'm assuming they are not exactly hard-up), adding one more is not going to significantly affect their utilities bills, they aren't losing rent on a room they wouldn't otherwise be renting, are they feeding you as well? If they are, you can of course take turns buying some groceries for them, take a turn in the kitchen, help out with household chores, etc. but while they may be saving you well over $1,000 a month, they may not be costing themselves anywhere near that amount.
Ultimately, ask yourself if you feel working a job to pay them back would be what they would want, or if it is what you want so you don't need to feel guilty. In fact, you can ask them! If they agree that would be fair, go for it. If they assure you that you don't have to, then you don't have to, and I encourage you to practice grace in the form of accepting what you are given without attempting to repay it. It can be considered both good manners and good grace to humbly accept a gift of charity.
As far as your other concerns go, I wouldn't worry too much about scheduling sex until it proves to be an issue. If both of you are boinking like rabbits and getting no work done, I imagine you'll have the self-awareness to scale it back and restrict yourselves, but if you can easily have sex during the week when you both have time for it, then there's no need to burden yourselves with an unneccessary restriction.
And about her parents, so long as they aren't making you too uncomfortable (every girl's parents get to make her boyfriend a little uncomfortable), I wouldn't worry about it. It seems like they have taken quite the liking to you, so you can consider yourself fortunate there.
If there is any aspect of the arrangement that turns out to make you uncomfortable, talk with them about it! In my work as a councillor, I always emphasize that the most important aspect of any relationship, be it sexual, romantic, friendly or otherwise, is clear communication. Communicating your needs and desires to your girlfriend will help to ease any tensions that arise from suddenly being in each other's space more, and communicating your needs and desires with her parents should help to avoid any lingering discomfort and any feelings you have of being a burden.
Particularly if you elect to take them up on their offer, sit down and have a good conversation about what exactly is expected of you, and what is extended to you, and what is not. If you want to pay them some money from your monthly wages, that is generous of you, but be clear with them as to whether or not they expect rent (so there need be no confusion later on if money gets tight and you have to stop giving them money). Be clear on any behaviours they expect you to follow or avoid, etc. They may well have rules to be followed in their house that they don't actually think about enough to bring up to you without prompting, so a thourough chat at the outset will hopefully avoid any misunderstandings down the road.
If there's any other advice I can offer, or any questions you have, please feel free to ask me here or send me a pm, my inbox is always open.
Some advice:
With regards to the strain on your relationship that will come from living together, it is true that in general living under the same roof can make a relationship more challenging, but this isn't neccessarily a bad thing, after all if the two of you are thinking of getting married in a few years you will presumably live together then, and would you rather struggle to overcome the difficulties of living together before or after making that kind of commitment?
Living together shouldn't be viewed as something that will tear apart your relationship, all it means is that the two of you have to address new issues that won't have come up yet, like effectively handling each other's space and managing your time together, and your time spent doing other things, even better, as you will see a lot more of each other.
I moved in with my girlfriend a year and a half ago, and we sometimes argue more than we did before as it's harder to resolve tensions by simply geting up and leaving, and we have less personal space as our home is fairly small. However, there are many benefits as well, such as seeing more of each other and not having to navigate who comes over to who's house, and so on. It's an important step in any relationship, and while I think it shouldn't be taken lightly, after three years and whith thoughts of getting even more serious, it's a step you'll have to take sooner or later. If at this point the two of you can't handle living with each other, it may indicate a more fundamental incompatability that hasn't come up yet.
Secondly, there is great merit in learning to accept charity. Appreciating the offer that her parents are extending to you is good, and showing your gratitude is appropriate, but ultimately you need to be able to accept offers of charity at face value. If they want to let you stay in their house with their daughter without paying rent, then it can be gracious of you to accept that offer without needing to find a way to repay them. If you feel dropping courses and working to repay them is the correct course of action of course you can, but consider that if they are truly trying to help you they may not want you to endanger your grades or your graduation to pay them money they didn't ask for. After all, how much will you actually be costing them? If they have a house with three dependants already (and knowing exactly what property values are like in Vancouver, I'm assuming they are not exactly hard-up), adding one more is not going to significantly affect their utilities bills, they aren't losing rent on a room they wouldn't otherwise be renting, are they feeding you as well? If they are, you can of course take turns buying some groceries for them, take a turn in the kitchen, help out with household chores, etc. but while they may be saving you well over $1,000 a month, they may not be costing themselves anywhere near that amount.
Ultimately, ask yourself if you feel working a job to pay them back would be what they would want, or if it is what you want so you don't need to feel guilty. In fact, you can ask them! If they agree that would be fair, go for it. If they assure you that you don't have to, then you don't have to, and I encourage you to practice grace in the form of accepting what you are given without attempting to repay it. It can be considered both good manners and good grace to humbly accept a gift of charity.
As far as your other concerns go, I wouldn't worry too much about scheduling sex until it proves to be an issue. If both of you are boinking like rabbits and getting no work done, I imagine you'll have the self-awareness to scale it back and restrict yourselves, but if you can easily have sex during the week when you both have time for it, then there's no need to burden yourselves with an unneccessary restriction.
And about her parents, so long as they aren't making you too uncomfortable (every girl's parents get to make her boyfriend a little uncomfortable), I wouldn't worry about it. It seems like they have taken quite the liking to you, so you can consider yourself fortunate there.
If there is any aspect of the arrangement that turns out to make you uncomfortable, talk with them about it! In my work as a councillor, I always emphasize that the most important aspect of any relationship, be it sexual, romantic, friendly or otherwise, is clear communication. Communicating your needs and desires to your girlfriend will help to ease any tensions that arise from suddenly being in each other's space more, and communicating your needs and desires with her parents should help to avoid any lingering discomfort and any feelings you have of being a burden.
Particularly if you elect to take them up on their offer, sit down and have a good conversation about what exactly is expected of you, and what is extended to you, and what is not. If you want to pay them some money from your monthly wages, that is generous of you, but be clear with them as to whether or not they expect rent (so there need be no confusion later on if money gets tight and you have to stop giving them money). Be clear on any behaviours they expect you to follow or avoid, etc. They may well have rules to be followed in their house that they don't actually think about enough to bring up to you without prompting, so a thourough chat at the outset will hopefully avoid any misunderstandings down the road.
If there's any other advice I can offer, or any questions you have, please feel free to ask me here or send me a pm, my inbox is always open.
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NSK101
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Re: Living with my girlfriend and her parents
I think it is all good advice above, I will also add if you plan to get married moving in together is no bad thing first to make sure you can! Unlikely but you might find stuff she does drives you bonkers.
And congratulations on getting married.
And congratulations on getting married.
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14REICH88
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Re: Living with my girlfriend and her parents
You should have a threesome wit her and her mom. And lick honey out of her anus.
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HybridEssence
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Re: Living with my girlfriend and her parents
Thank you for you detailed response anyakuro. I ended up moving in this past weekend after some long discussions addressing any concerns we had. I left you a more detailed reply in your inbox.
Thank you again
Thank you again