For Webtease Authors- Offer to Proofread Webteases

[forbiddendesire]

Hey all! :)
So I have some free time on their hands, and Milovana has given me so many great things I want to do my small part and be part of this great community. So, I'm offering to proofread anyone's webteases before they make them public. If you're unsure how to say things, want a spellcheck or grammatical check, or if English isn't your first language and you want to make sure you say what you mean, then I'm your man. Just post in this thread if you're interested and we can work something out

[zMog]

I would also like to join in ( to help ).

My main interest is the Tease AI program, I see plenty of scripts which contain small errors, I would love to help out people, so the people who like to code can actually spend time on coding, not on grammar checking :)

[addNtoX]

well its hard to refuse this offer=)

this represents 4 small pages for a webtease
its just the raw version..




(After you finished up in the shower you went to the kitchen to fulfil mistress tess her breakfast wishes)


You had to peel all the fruits by hand and it took you a good 15 minutes to complete everything..


Once you were done you head back to the bedroom..

-----------
As you approach the the room again you see mistress tess still lying in bed ..

She was pleasuring herself again..

(you think : what a coincidence..)

your cock was helplessly trying to get hard in your cage

you remain silent at the doorway with the breafast plate in your hand and just watch her

the frustration was growing even more



-------
you couldnt believe your eyes

is she really useing a candle?

mistress tess was moaning wild and passionate so you decided not to interrupt

you put down the plate on the table nearby and turn around.. trying to make your exit as quietly as possible

---
as the noises seem to become more intense now

you turn around 1 more time

mistress tess was about to climax

you think : well thats number 172..somehow you made a habbit out of keeping track of
mistress tess all her oragsms since your lock up


so you decide to take care of the fence now to stay occupied for the rest of the day

-----------



i always get stuck with the small things..

on the first page i wanted to describe with a short sentence how you have to make a fruit salad by yourself

so by hand ...does that mean i peel every single fruit with my bare hands? which would be silly..

or does it also mean that i just take care of all the fruits in whatever way? (thats what i hope it means)


also helplessly or hopelessly?

and breakfast plate? do people use this term?

[Flogger]

Oooh goody!

Correctarama here we come!

After you finished up in the shower you went to the kitchen to fulfil mistress tess her breakfast wishes)

Do you want this in the past tense? It would normally be present simple, you see. I wouldn't really use the 'up' unless you mean a quite specific end is meant to your having to complete a task/number of tasks although if you did it could be ok (in which case it's probably well-written in grammatical terms) and the 'her' is wrong; use an apostrophe after "Tess" (capitalised for a proper noun) rather then use 'her' and it does sound strange to a native reader. I would possibly phrase it "...prepare Tess' breakfast order".

You had to peel all the fruits by hand and it took you a good 15 minutes to complete everything..

Ok, so you do want the past tense. The sentence alludes to a number of tasks as you wouldn't say 'everything' to mean 'each and every fruit' but if you do mean this e.g. 'wash the dishes', 'peel the fruit' , 'empty the bins' then it's technically ok although it does then refer back to something e.g. a set of instructions that you haven't otherwise mentioned so it doesn't really read correctly.

Once you were done you head back to the bedroom.

Nope. You're conflating two tenses here. If you say 'Once you are done' then you can; keep it in the present (simple tense) and as an instruction but 'were' refers to a past action and so can't be an instruction in the present. Otherwise, ok.

I won't bother with the other bits but would suggest you consider consistency of tense use: you seem to move between past and present very often when the actions taking place, while in the past, are being described in the present in a story-like fashion that is recounted in the present and so you should use the present (simple) because in effect you are dragging the story from the past into the present and making it happen at the time that you tell it.

[addNtoX]

thank for this in deepth answer=)
i have to take more attention when it comes to past and present tense for sure=)
most of the time is that you know how to write it the right way but you just dont see it..
i think in german all the time when i read or write.. thats one of the major issues

After you finished up in the shower you went to the kitchen to fulfil mistress tess her breakfast wishes

in my mind the UP stands for showering-brushing your teeth anf whatever else you do in the bathroom
i thought of it as a lazy way to speed things up so to say and combine multiple things

so the correct sentence would be
After you finish your shower you go to the kitchen to fulfil mistress Tess breakfast wishes ?


here is another short example




You pick up all you need from the garage and head outside..


You think : "Her damn color scheme this will take hours..
but atleast the time will pass quickly"


What was it? green, white, green, white, yellow..i cant mess this up


(Hours go by as you suddenly notice some movement on the other side of the fence)


You take a peak

------------

And you were right

Your neighbour cayenne was sunbathing outside just wearing a small bikini--

You think: "What are the odds?"

"The cage was once again a painfull reminder of your limitation to do anything at all"
"It was just impossible too enjoy any pleasure whatsoever"

Thats definetly not what you wanted..

You think : "All because off 1 little mistake.".

(You felt like a pervert while watching her
but somehow you couldnt take your eyes of her)

-------


but atleast the time will pass quickly
or go by quickly?

and also

is sunbathing not was sunbathing..

[forbiddendesire]

My fixed and edited version:

You pick up all you need from the garage and head outside..


You think : "Her damn colour scheme! This will take hours..
but atleast the time will pass quickly"


What was it? Green, white, green, white, yellow..I can't mess this up


(Hours go by as you suddenly notice some movement on the other side of the fence)


You take a peek

------------

And you were right..

Your neighbour Cayenne is sunbathing outside wearing only a small bikini--

You think: "What are the odds?"

The cage was once again a painful reminder of the limitation of your ability to do anything at all
It was just impossible to enjoy any pleasure whatsoever

That's definitely not what you wanted..

You think : "All because off 1 little mistake."

(You felt like a pervert for watching her
but somehow you couldn't take your eyes off her)

I've just fixed some spelling issues and minor grammatical changes. I don't want to change too much because I want your work to stay yours, and most of the time the way you say things is correct when speaking informally. You can also use "finish up in the bathroom". Instead of "fulfill Mistress Tess' breakfast wishes", you can say "prepare Mistress Tess' breakfast order", as Flogger suggested.

By the way, I'm a huge fan of the Total Obedience series, I'm so glad you're making more! I'm on the 3rd installment, I have yet to complete. Keep it up!

[addNtoX]

thanks for the hints=)
glad you like the series...im almost finished with the 4th one...
just have to come up with an appropriated ending now since i made the story more complicated=\




(Meanwhile you had a steady flow of spit running down your whole body)

(Your knees also were starting to take its toll due to the hard floor)

(You decide to just simply emndure it since mistress tess wasnt in a very good mood or whatever was going on)


Mistress tess says :

"Stop looking at me and stroke your pathetic cock again 3 strokes per seconds"
(You do as your told)

"Stroke faster 4 strokes per second slave now"
(Even tho your edge was pretty omnispresent again you just stroke and endure)

"Could you please stroke even faster 5 strokes per second?"
(You speed up again hoping that mistress tess will collect herself)

"Switch your hands and edge yourself 3 times with a two seconds break between each edge"
"I dare you to mess this up"

(You do as youre told without hesitation.. not wanting to disobey her orders at this point)

"Stop now hands behind your back"
"I still dont want you to look at me slave"

(You remain in your position while looking at the floor.. still wondering what the hell was going on)



(Your knees also were starting to take its toll due to the hard floor)
Does this sentence make any sense im not sure about that one

[forbiddendesire]

Here's my fix:

(Meanwhile you have a steady stream of spit running down your whole body)

(The hard floor is also starting to take it's toll on your knees)

(You decide to just endure it since Mistress Tess isn't in a very good mood, or whatever is going on)


Mistress Tess says :

"Stop looking at me and stroke your pathetic cock again. 3 strokes per second"
(You do as you're told)

"Stroke faster! 4 strokes per second now, slave"
(Even though your edge is pretty much omnipresent you continue to just stroke and endure)

"Could you please stroke even faster? 5 strokes per second?"
(You speed up again hoping that Mistress Tess will collect herself)

"Switch your hands and edge yourself 3 times with a two second break between each edge"
"I dare you to mess this up"

(You do as you're told without hesitation.. not wanting to disobey her orders at this point)

"Now stop. Hands behind your back"
"I still don't want you to look at me slave"

(You remain in your position while looking at the floor.. still wondering what the hell was going on)


You still need to be careful, you're mixing past and present tense. Also, I've fixed the hard floor-knees line, so you can read it.

[addNtoX]

thanks once more=)
i think i found another reason why i mess up the past and resent stuff..
i noticed that i tell the story from different point of views..
most of the time from the perspective of the main character
but i seem to switch into storyteller mode from time to time..which isnt intended..

another example...


(You couldnt stop staring at mistress tess ass...your cock was growing with every heartbeat)

"Oh i assume you like what you see slave"
(You nod your head)

"Well no touching without my explicit permission"
"And i dont have to mention that you won be cumming without my blessing.."
"But yeah same old right slave"
(You nod your head again)

(You think : there it was again..something isnt right)

"I hope youre up for whats coming slave"
"If you do really well maybe you get to cum?"
"You never know right slave?"

(You try to plead with her)

----------

"Alright start caressing your body slave"
"Let your hands glide along your inner thighs, neck and shoulders"
"Signal to your whole body what is about to happen"

(At this point you were getting worried..
your confidence in your stamina wasnt very high after 2 month of nothing)

"Continue doing that slave"
"Dont touch your cock or balls"

"Just look at me and soak it all in"

"Very good"

"How does it feel?"
"Oh yeah right the gag..."


"I know how much you like to talk and express yourself"

"Not this time slave"


"I think i got to know you pretty well in the last what 4? years?
"So long.."

"Anyway.."


"You are just here to endure my every whish"

"I hope you are ready slave"

(You arousal was getting higher and higher and the first drops of
precum were fighting their way out of the tip of your cock)

(You also didnt realize again that mistress tess was trying to say something to you)






(At this point you were getting worried..
your confidence in your stamina wasnt very high after 2 month of nothing)

so this also wrong? since i go into narrator mode again?

[forbiddendesire]

Edited:

(You couldn't stop staring at Mistress Tess' ass...your cock grows with every heartbeat)

"I assume you like what you see slave"
(You nod your head)

"Well no touching without my explicit permission"
"And i don't have to mention that you won't be cumming without my blessing.."
"But yeah same old, right slave?"
(You nod your head again)

(You think : there it was again..something isn't right)

"I hope you're ready for what's coming slave"
"If you do really well maybe you get to cum?"
"You never know right slave?"

(You try to plead with her)

----------

"Alright start caressing your body slave"
"Let your hands glide along your inner thighs, neck and shoulders"
"Signal to your whole body what is about to happen"

(At this point you're getting worried..
your confidence in your stamina isn't very high after 2 months of nothing)

"Continue doing that slave"
"Don't touch your cock or balls"

"Just look at me and drink it all in"

"Very good"

"How does it feel?"
"Oh yeah right the gag..."


"I know how much you like to talk and express yourself"

"Not this time slave"


"I think i got to know you pretty well in the last- what? 4? years?
"So long.."

"Anyway.."


"You are just here to endure my every wish"

"I hope you are ready slave"

(Your arousal is getting higher and higher and the first drops of
precum fight their way out of the tip of your cock)

(You also don't realise, once again, that Mistress Tess is trying to say something to you)




Yes, even in narrator mode, you need to keep it in the present, because other times when you're narrating, you're speaking in present tense.

[addNtoX]

i could use a little help again =\
esp the last part with the tail stuff..is it correct?




(You see a beautiful blonde women)

You say :

Hi im sorry for making you wait..
You must be Alex?

She says :

"Hmm"
"And you are tess her famous slaveboy.."

"Famous?"

"Well tess told me so much about you.."
"Sorry but.. i cant resist.."
"Would you please kneel infront of me?"

"Here outside?"

"Please?"
(You start kneeling)

She smiles and says:

"its actually working"
"Would you bark for me?"

(You give her a bewildered look)

"Go ahead.. "
"Bark like a good little puppy dog"
(You start to bark)

"Thats so cute slaveboy"
"Could you also wag yout tail for me?"

"I dont have a tail alex"
(You think : Now i know what tess meant)

"Of course you have a tail"
(She points at your cock)

(You pull out your cock and shake it back and forth)

She says:

"Whats the matter?"
"it doesnt look very happy to see me?"

"Should i give it a little incentive?"

...

[forbiddendesire]

Edited:

(You see a beautiful blonde woman)

You say :

"Hi I'm sorry for making you wait..
You must be Alex?"

She says :

"Hmm"
"And you are Tess's famous slaveboy.."

"Famous?"

"Well Tess told me so much about you.."
"Sorry but.. i cant resist.."
"Would you please kneel in front of me?"

"Here? outside?"

"Please?"
(You start kneeling)

She smiles and says:

"its actually working"
"Would you bark for me?"

(You give her a bewildered look)

"Go ahead.. "
"Bark like a good little puppy dog"
(You start to bark)

"That's so cute slaveboy"
"Could you also wag your tail for me?"

"I don't have a tail Alex"
(You think : Now i know what Tess meant)

"Of course you have a tail"
(She points at your cock)

(You pull out your cock and shake it back and forth)

She says:

"Whats the matter?"
"it doesn't look very happy to see me"

"Should i give it a little incentive?"

Not much to edit in this one, great job! The tail stuff is perfectly fine :)

[addNtoX]

thanks again=)

i have one more question..

whats the term when you get arrested by the police because you masturbated in public?

[forbiddendesire]

I'm not too sure abut that, but I guess you would be arrested for public indecency for doing that

[addNtoX]

Thanks you^
Another question..
Can you refer to clothespins as pins?
so that you dont have to use that word all the time?



So i assume you still dont wanna fuck?
(you lower your head..this isnt fair)

Well in that case..
Take all 8 clothepins and stick them on your balls.
But dont stop jerking..
In fact i want you to speed up to 2 strokes per second
while you do that..

yes mistress, thank you mistress

do you like that slaveboy?

i dont know mistress, but please may i edge?

No just keep going for a little longer
Stroke with your other hand now please

yes mistress
(You start to moan heavily and you feel precum sliding down your shaft)

Alex says:

Uhh is it that bad edgeboy?

Yes mistress, this is too much ..please

Soon slaveboy
I want to let the clothepins set in a little first
Trust me this will be fun

(You give her a concerned look and try your best to stay away from the edge)