Some constructive criticism for you!
It's important to pay attention to using capital letters at the beginning of each sentence.
Also, be careful with present tense versus past tense, if you blend them it doesn't flow as well. Choose which tense you want to use (are you telling the story as though it happened in the past or is it happening NOW) and stick with that tense.
Examples of this that would work better:
"she opens the letter and unfolded the paper"
Try "she opened the letter and unfolded the paper" (paste tense) or "she opens the letter and unfolds the paper" (present tense).
Same with this one, you're blending the tenses again:
Emily noticed the package in Sarinas' hands, "what's that?" Emily asks pointing at the box, Sarina then hands the package to Emily
It's also very short for a chapter/part, although it is nice to give a general description to set the scene/stage, then proceed to more detail in another chapter. And I tend to be very long-winded with my writing, so who am I to judge.
Anyway, you asked for some feedback, I encourage your writing and don't mean to openly put it down but it would be good to pay more attention to those two basic rules.
Kitty
The New School pt1 (prologue)
- KittyZateez
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