Finding a Kinky Partner
Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 3:11 pm
I get asked a lot of questions. I get asked if about cunnilingus and yeast infections. I get asked about the safety of using orange parking cones as insertable sex objects. I get at least one question a week asking for plausible excuses for men to have size 14 Stillettos (or other similar fashion item) in their closet. But the question I get ask most frequently is a variation of this: how do I find a kinky partner?
So you want a romantic/sexual partner who shares your fetishes and explorations? Here are thoughts on getting that in your real life:
1.Kinky partners aren’t something you can order from a catalog. People value being an individual. See a potential partner as more than the sum of their kinks. Just like you wouldn’t want to be judged by the weight of your wallet, don’t judge someone solely on their willingness to do what you want.
2.If you want a partner- you have to be a partner. To share in her kinks and fantasies. Now let’s get clear: this doesn’t necessarily mean her fantasy to wear stockings and have cunnilingus all day. Her fantasies might not even be sexual.
3.Most human beings enter romantic relationships (and stay in these relationships) because of shared needs, goals and desires. Share something already. Communicate.
4.Now that you are ready to communicate- get out there. If you are alone, and you don’t want to be, than get your ass out there.
5.Check out the local Munch scene. If you aren’t certain what’s available, do a google search of “Your State” and “BDSM” and “Munch.”
6.Go online. Some of the better places to look: www.collarme.com | www.fetlife.com. There are a number of fetish specific sites for things like AB, ANR, Shoes/Feet, etc. Get on them. ALT and Bondage are expensive for the better features- but they aren’t bad per se. Also go on boards like Literotica- there are a LOT of kinky people there.
7.Participate. If you are going online, have a positive profile that really shares who you are. You can save the kinks for later if it makes you uncomfortable, but gently hint that you have some prurient interests to explore.
8.No whining on your profile! Be upbeat and positive.
9.No kink of Facebook or Myspace. These online places are great- but they are directed towards teenagers and family. Be appropriate.
10.Don’t grovel. You may want to be submissive- but before you can be on your knees, you have to stand on your feet.
11.Find your worth. In the dating process, you have to know why you have value. Believe in yourself.
12.In opening communications with any potential partner only hint at the kinks. It’s okay to tell someone you like that you have some fun fetishes and fantasies that you can’t wait to share with them. It’s not okay to tell someone that you haven’t connected to yet how much you want them to own your cock or fuck your ass or … Patience young Jedi.
13.Face before penis. That’s the picture rule. Send a nice face pic first… and then later send a cock shot. Ask first about the cock shot.
14.Don’t be creepy or hypersexual until she is ready for it, especially if you haven’t met in person first. It’s great you have a feminine side, but she may not be ready for the fact that you love to pay young women to hand you their panties so you can put them on, and that you have a collection of 200 pairs you have collected this way. It’s wonderful you love long hair- but don’t ask for a lock of hers to masturbate with. If you have to ask whether an action is okay- it probably isn’t.
15.Be nice. No insults. No trolling. Even if the partner of your dreams never replies, please don’t reply back with how much of a stuck-up bitch she is. It’s not just that this isn’t the slightest bit productive, but it also puts you in the wrong place. When you think all women come from the “Land of Stuck-Up Bitches”, happily ever after is a long, long way away.
16.If you are communicating by email or text: grammar and punctuation are sexy. Grown women like men who are grown-ups.
17.Don’t lie, particularly about anything where the lie will be obvious when she sees you. Twenty pounds and a couple inches of height can be delicately fudged. Sending a picture from your twenties after your fortieth birthday isn’t right. Not only is it a lie- but it’s a lie that doesn’t get you what you want. There are many women (myself included) who think older is better.
18.If you are submissive– give your submission as a gift, not something she gets as a matter of course. Your submission to her is something of value, treat it that way.
19.Unless you are poly, do not mention past partners in the first ten communications with a new one. Just don’t. No “I just went through a difficult break-up” or any other kind of whining about your ex. State your status: single/divorced/widower and leave it at that. If you aren’t able to do that, spend some time getting over your -ex before you find someone else.
20.Young woman usually don’t want much older partners unless they are successful. Fact of life. If you are 40+ seeking 18-25 arm candy, be prepared to be an ATM with legs. There is nothing wrong with this: you want her for something she has, she wants you for something you have.
21.NO STALKING. No cyber stalking. It’s one thing to google someone to figure out what they have done. It’s another to know all of their movements all the time.
22.Wait until you meet before commitment. No matter how great that 4 hour phone conversation is- until you have had one in public- make no promises.
23.Don’t give up. So you didn’t find someone the first day, keep at it.
This actually came from my blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com
Cheers!
Alison
So you want a romantic/sexual partner who shares your fetishes and explorations? Here are thoughts on getting that in your real life:
1.Kinky partners aren’t something you can order from a catalog. People value being an individual. See a potential partner as more than the sum of their kinks. Just like you wouldn’t want to be judged by the weight of your wallet, don’t judge someone solely on their willingness to do what you want.
2.If you want a partner- you have to be a partner. To share in her kinks and fantasies. Now let’s get clear: this doesn’t necessarily mean her fantasy to wear stockings and have cunnilingus all day. Her fantasies might not even be sexual.
3.Most human beings enter romantic relationships (and stay in these relationships) because of shared needs, goals and desires. Share something already. Communicate.
4.Now that you are ready to communicate- get out there. If you are alone, and you don’t want to be, than get your ass out there.
5.Check out the local Munch scene. If you aren’t certain what’s available, do a google search of “Your State” and “BDSM” and “Munch.”
6.Go online. Some of the better places to look: www.collarme.com | www.fetlife.com. There are a number of fetish specific sites for things like AB, ANR, Shoes/Feet, etc. Get on them. ALT and Bondage are expensive for the better features- but they aren’t bad per se. Also go on boards like Literotica- there are a LOT of kinky people there.
7.Participate. If you are going online, have a positive profile that really shares who you are. You can save the kinks for later if it makes you uncomfortable, but gently hint that you have some prurient interests to explore.
8.No whining on your profile! Be upbeat and positive.
9.No kink of Facebook or Myspace. These online places are great- but they are directed towards teenagers and family. Be appropriate.
10.Don’t grovel. You may want to be submissive- but before you can be on your knees, you have to stand on your feet.
11.Find your worth. In the dating process, you have to know why you have value. Believe in yourself.
12.In opening communications with any potential partner only hint at the kinks. It’s okay to tell someone you like that you have some fun fetishes and fantasies that you can’t wait to share with them. It’s not okay to tell someone that you haven’t connected to yet how much you want them to own your cock or fuck your ass or … Patience young Jedi.
13.Face before penis. That’s the picture rule. Send a nice face pic first… and then later send a cock shot. Ask first about the cock shot.
14.Don’t be creepy or hypersexual until she is ready for it, especially if you haven’t met in person first. It’s great you have a feminine side, but she may not be ready for the fact that you love to pay young women to hand you their panties so you can put them on, and that you have a collection of 200 pairs you have collected this way. It’s wonderful you love long hair- but don’t ask for a lock of hers to masturbate with. If you have to ask whether an action is okay- it probably isn’t.
15.Be nice. No insults. No trolling. Even if the partner of your dreams never replies, please don’t reply back with how much of a stuck-up bitch she is. It’s not just that this isn’t the slightest bit productive, but it also puts you in the wrong place. When you think all women come from the “Land of Stuck-Up Bitches”, happily ever after is a long, long way away.
16.If you are communicating by email or text: grammar and punctuation are sexy. Grown women like men who are grown-ups.
17.Don’t lie, particularly about anything where the lie will be obvious when she sees you. Twenty pounds and a couple inches of height can be delicately fudged. Sending a picture from your twenties after your fortieth birthday isn’t right. Not only is it a lie- but it’s a lie that doesn’t get you what you want. There are many women (myself included) who think older is better.
18.If you are submissive– give your submission as a gift, not something she gets as a matter of course. Your submission to her is something of value, treat it that way.
19.Unless you are poly, do not mention past partners in the first ten communications with a new one. Just don’t. No “I just went through a difficult break-up” or any other kind of whining about your ex. State your status: single/divorced/widower and leave it at that. If you aren’t able to do that, spend some time getting over your -ex before you find someone else.
20.Young woman usually don’t want much older partners unless they are successful. Fact of life. If you are 40+ seeking 18-25 arm candy, be prepared to be an ATM with legs. There is nothing wrong with this: you want her for something she has, she wants you for something you have.
21.NO STALKING. No cyber stalking. It’s one thing to google someone to figure out what they have done. It’s another to know all of their movements all the time.
22.Wait until you meet before commitment. No matter how great that 4 hour phone conversation is- until you have had one in public- make no promises.
23.Don’t give up. So you didn’t find someone the first day, keep at it.
This actually came from my blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com
Cheers!
Alison