I hate myself for my sexual preferences

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Demonstarter
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I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by Demonstarter »

Hi everyone,

I am writing this in regards to a serious problem I have, and I believe this is the right community for me to discuss it in.
If anyone wants to share a similar experience or provide an answer to what I wrote, please do so :)


I like feet, female domination, humiliation, cbt, light feminization.

I am completely unable to get off to regular porn.


As anyone who shares similar tastes will know, it is not something you can share with anyone other than your partner.
Sex is a very common topic to discuss though (Although the fact that I'm french may influence my perception of this), and when you've got tastes as specific as mine, that are hard to share without receiving a non-verbal harsh judgement, these conversations become cringy. Sometimes I even lie, as if I was ashamed to be who I am.

Within society, my sexual preferences give me the choice between being judged/stigmatised and being in denial.


I have got a wonderful girlfriend though, who is open to discuss everything and does her best to make me feel comfortable with what I like, and will do things for me when I request it.
But since I'm always the one to request specific things (sometimes), and not her, it makes me feel like I'm a weirdo that needs very adaptable and comprehensive people.
To be fair, I do feel like I am better at perceiving non-verbal indicators of what my sexual partners want than any of the people I have had sex with, which influences this. I also last quite long (I usually take at least 30 minutes to come, foreplay non included.) I usually give at least 2 orgasms before I cum, which increases my feeling of being "complicated" sexually.


Finally, I am now away from my girlfriend for a while (long distance) and I watch porn and do webteases again. The thing is, I feel like now that my girlfriend made me feel a bit less weird about my fetishes, I feel like I have to dive deeper in those to get off.

So for example, now, instead of watching a sissy humiliation clip, I watch some forced bi, and then gay porn. But I have the feeling the gay porn isn't really what is turning me on, it is more the "submissive high" that I get after watching the forced bi clip and the gay porn afterwards. If I'm horny, I don't dive straight into gay porn.
So when I cum to gay porn, I feel really fucked up afterwards because the "submissive high" is finished and I am just confronted with the fact that I go so deep into my fetishes that I jerk off to something that isn't attractive to me.
My sexual preferences have so much influence on me that they make me do things that I don't really like.

So I get a knot in my throat and I kinda hate myself for my sexual preferences.


Feels good to get all this off my chest. Thanks to anyone who read.
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by Noah »

I think the best thing you can do is to stay transparant to your partner and to find a version that fits the both of you. Also stimulate her to share her sexual preferences as well (they do not have to differ from anything vanilla for you to put any effort into it).

Furthermore, I think judging your own fetishes and behavior makes it worse and contributes to your feeling of alienation and the urge to dig deeper. Do not judge yourself for enjoying what you enjoy and feeling insecure about it. In a way I think it is normal to experience the awareness after achieving an orgasm that makes you feel awkward about what you just did. Especially if it is a fetish and you are exploring.

It is good that you post it here because you will notice that it is not as abnormal as you think. I am sure our fetishes differ, but in a way I think we all understand what it is like to try to find the correct balance between the fantasies and turning them to reality. I accept that it won't be the first thing to talk about during dinner.

If you feel like the fetishes start to control your life it could be good to find something that draws all mental attention. Something you can do with passion. Exercising, making music and writing work for me perfectly well. The moment that I feel like I have it under control again I venture deep again ;)

I hope it helps!
Last edited by Noah on Mon Jul 03, 2017 6:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by dbt »

Biggest thing I can say is don't hate yourself for your sexual preferences - there's nothing you can do about the way that you're wired and hating yourself will only make it worse.

Yes, it's too bad that in our society anything but a preference for plain vanilla hetero sex is taboo to some degree or another. But try to remember that there are a metric fuck ton of people out there with one form or another of different sexual preferences.
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by Demonstarter »

Thanks for your answers :)

I guess the best way to not be bothered by the question "Why am I like this" is to understand the question applies to pretty much everyone in some way or another.
Writing this down, putting it online and reading your empathetic answers has helped me a great deal.

Have a nice day everyone ;)
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by CH Hero »

Don't stigmatize yourself; there are far too many people out there that want to jump in that line.

Be happy you have discovered what works for you and have an understanding partner willing to help you indulge :). That is a life-winning combination!

Things only seem weird because there is so much stigma around this basic biological function. As more people start talking about it, everything starts to become "normal" so do not lose faith. You only feel like you are pioneering new ground because others have been afraid/unwilling to talk about it. As evidenced earlier in this thread, you are not alone therefore it is not weird.

I hope this helps how you think about it. Keep doing what makes you feel good. Life is too short to avoid pleasures it contains before our ultimate end sneaks up on us.
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by edgeallday »

Lots of good advice in here. It's easier said than done but it really is best to just accept your sexual kinks and preferences. LOTS of people have tried to repress their sexuality but it's almost impossible and you'll probably just keep thinking about it even more if you try not to act on it. At the end of the day we just like what we like. On that note someone mentioned talking to your girlfriend about what she likes which is great advice too. The best relationships of any kind are the ones with lots of communication, and it's perhaps even more important in kinky relationships.

While your sexual preferences may not be extremely common, they are probably a lot more common than you think. Milovana alone gets many thousands of visitors for a reason, and is just one of MANY kink related sites. These are just things our society won't discuss openly most of the time or ridicule it when they do. It usually only gets talked about when someone gets "caught" or within kink communities.

You yourself will probably have to neglect to tell some people about it to avoid unnecessary hassle/judgement, but that doesn't mean you should feel shame. The problem is the narrow-minded people who have so little empathy they can't fathom anyone having different preferences or lifestyles than themselves, not you. I'll never understand why people are so worried about how other people live their lives. I have a couple relatives who are extremely homophobic and it really makes me wonder if they have some bi-curious thoughts themselves that they are over-compensating for.
Demonstarter wrote: Sun Jul 02, 2017 2:40 pm My sexual preferences have so much influence on me that they make me do things that I don't really like.
That's part of the fun though! It just makes the feelings of submission even deeper. Obviously everyone needs to set their own limits but doing things that aren't directly pleasurable on their own is a big part of subbing/bottoming. That feeling of humiliation/shame especially after orgasm is pretty common though. A lot of the submissive sexual energy suddenly goes away for many guys at that point, and even most "vanilla" guys have probably thought to themselves at one point or another "what the fuck did I just jerk off to?" :lol: In couples BDSM after care can play a huge role in alleviating some of those feelings too. It's a bit harder to after care yourself but you can do some of the same things. Pretty much anything that is physically or emotionally comforting will work.

TLDR: Just be yourself. :-)
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by rebekeplex »

This topic drew my attention. When I started masturbating many years ago, my only source of porn was TV after 23:00 (channel was switched to HustlerTV). It always started with some striptease and masturbating and it usually lasted enough long to get me off. When internet became more common I started exploring and now I feel like I've been through every category that excited me for a fair amount of time.

Now I have problems to get excited even by femdom and gangbang videos (anything "less weird" just doesn't excite me in most cases) and I know there's not much left to go deeper for. I found unwanted sex exciting after that, but when the actors sux at pretending it just doesn't excite me anymore... and the I tried to search for "rape-themed" videos. And guess what - Xhamster gave me following quotation:

"No video found for this query

If you are searching for this category, probably it`s time you consulted with a professional psychologist: http://www.7cups.com
"

I would never think about raping a woman in real life, but videos about someone else doing it are turning me on... Did I cross the line or ?
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by edgeallday »

You can definitely get desensitized to porn and need increasingly "weird" stuff to get off, or even become addicted to it. I don't know if you think your situation is that bad but I know a lot of people have had success with giving up porn and/or masturbating for a bit and when they come back to it the less kinky stuff is hot to them again. That being said you could just really be into kinky stuff in general. It's hard to say for sure how much porn led you down a kinky path or if your kink led you into more and more kinky porn...and it could be a mix of both.

Rape fantasy is actually pretty common, and lots of women have that fantasy too (but of course don't want to REALLY be raped). It's a great roleplay scenario to explore power dynamics and it's very taboo. Being able to ONLY get off to that one specific fetish can indicate an addiction/obsession though, which can be especially bad if you get a partner but then can only get off from a rape scenario. If you believe psychologists they usually say kink is perfectly healthy, and it really only becomes a problem when you get obsessed with one specific thing.

There's a lot of rape scenario BDSM porn out there btw, just perhaps not on free streaming sites. The "rape" tag on empornium brings up THOUSANDS of videos, but sadly I don't have any invites to give out. I'm sure you can find some stuff on public torrents too or be really weird and actually pay for some porn. :lol:

P.S. I'm not a doctor or psychologist at all so take all of this with a grain of salt, but I've read up on this stuff a lot and even briefly had a therapist I talked to about it.
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rebekeplex
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by rebekeplex »

Thanks for sharing your knowledge :-)
You can definitely get desensitized to porn and need increasingly "weird" stuff to get off, or even become addicted to it. I don't know if you think your situation is that bad but I know a lot of people have had success with giving up porn and/or masturbating for a bit and when they come back to it the less kinky stuff is hot to them again.
That sounds reasonable to me and I'm gonna give it a try.

I was always "picky" in terms of finding a good porn (and food), but the more you have seen, the less remains to be found. I think I can say that those "weird" categories have higher percentage of videos that I find exciting. Maybe I'm just running out of good material in general. Fortunately I have few videos that with guaranteed excitement, but I try to not overuse them so their magic doesn't disappear (those are for the situations of highest urge).
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Re: I hate myself for my sexual preferences

Post by AliceInBondageLand »

It isn't any easier to be a woman who is into these fetishes either.

You're not alone.

It is worth it to find each other. My best advice is to meet the others in person, at events, munches, dungeons, etc. It will feel SO MUCH BETTER to be around your fellow kinksters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
... kinks are hotter when they are authentic.
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